I think my son is ill and I don't know what to do

Can anyone help me - I am at my wits end with worry. I think my son is ill and I don't know how to help him. He is 27 years old, lives at home with his parents, spends every night playing computer games, is full of anger towards the world and has talked about killing himself. He once went to the Doctor to get medication but he wont go there anymore because he says it made him feel nothing.

Benno,

My instinctive reaction is to tell you that your son is exactly like I was a few years ago (I'm actually 27 now though), but I cannot obviously be too accurate in this statement because i'm only going on the snippets of info you have written here. Nevertheless, if you're son is indeed like I was, then I can assure you that emailing him will be more fruitful for you to get info out of him. Talking on the computer to others might just be as easy to him as talking to people in person is to you. You have both developed communication skills differently, but if you want to get through to him right now, then you'll have to use his way of talking - i.e. email/technology.

What medication was he given?; and is he still taking it? He might be feeling quite hopeles in life right now and requires a big kick-start. Again, if he is indeed like I was, then talking about emotions is a very difficult thing for him too.

Kevin

well your right about communicating we are better at messaging than speaking but i still see him take things that are said literaly when they are first said - and miss reading emotions or situations - and finding it very hard to cope in social situations - and now starting to withdraw into the virtual world more and more and I worry that he has undiagnosed asbergers syndrome

I have undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome (my therapist and doctor agreed unofficially that I have it). For your son to become more skilled at communicating in person, there is no other way except for him to have repeated exposure to social situations. I'm 27, but it has taken years of constant effort to try to become better at talking. In the past, I wrote down on pieces of paper things that I should say in conversation (and then tried to say them in person when I had the chance). At this point in my life, I can now hold a conversation without any notes or help.

Perhaps making your son aware of Asperger's will help him? Learning about it helped me to learn more about myself.

Here's some info

I was like this too when I was with my parents. Regardless if there is any mental issue involved, it's important that he starts spending more time away from the computer. It's a psychological habit that he's became accustomed to. It's incredibly hard to talk someone out of this -- or any psychological habit, they have to recognize and do it themselves.

This means E-mail is not the best way to go

If possible, text messages are the absolute best way to communicate. If you haven't text him before, let him know through a text message that you can text now and if anything's needed yada yada. Let him know when you go out to dinners if he wants to come via text - or that you want him to come with you shopping etc.
Because of the online games he'll reject occasionally/often - but the other goal is to let him know he's wanted elsewhere with family. Patience is important because you're really accomplishing a goal just by asking, just try not to overwhelm him.

Many times while playing a game there is a time frame involved. Sort of like a soccer game. Some anger can derive from this if he's interrupted. It's because linear focus is involved - much like a phone conversation. So if he's needed let him know whenever he's finished with that part of the game to come. Or if you want to talk, be sure he isn't in the middle of something.
This does two things:
1) he'll have a genuine incentive to get off the game
2) lets him know that you care about his time

Remember, all you want is less time away from the game and incentives to get off of it.

The first step is helping him break the psychological addiction, the second step would be giving him time to open up and express himself. After that you can address any mental issue if present. Keeping an open mind, and having extreme patience is what will help this issue. Remember, months of patience and problem solving will make up for the years of him leading a healthy life afterwards.

Giving him choices will also assist him, like having his choice of where to eat. Getting his opinion on matters, and general communication will be the start of his recovery. As earlier, just the mere fact you asked is just as important if he does or not. Letting him know he's wanted elsewhere in a compassionate way will help him emotionally too.

You don't want to support his habit, but it's wise to collect data about what he does on the computer (through him and when appropriate) -- because obviously you're curious, so that later on he knows you're somewhat knowledgeable of his situation. This will make it easier for you to have talks with him later on.

As I said earlier, just letting him know he's wanted accomplishes a goal. If he doesn't comply now, he will eventually with time. When he begins to display emotional distray after he starts opening up -- it'll be much easier to talk to him about what's bothering him. But for right now he doesn't want to burden anyone with himself and feels nobody understands his situation.

As for his suicidal tendencies, this is just his way of reaching out an invisible hand for help. There's always hope. And don't take him to a therapist until he's ready. There's more issues that need to be worked out first. Telling him he needs to see a therapist now would be taking steps backwards for his relationship with his family.

I'm not a professional but if I were to assume a mental disorder I would assume Bipolar because of his misinterpretation of emotional situations. But someone who is in emotional distray can also show symptoms like this (taking things personal, and misreading what's intended), so not a good idea to solidify that answer - just some food for thought as I was diagnosed with Bipolar this year and have felt that way too.


Oh, and one other thing. Because he's having emotional problems it would be best if you were mostly involved and not everyone spontaneously.

Emotional people have an easier time opening up to open minded people and on a one-on-one basis.

hopefully this helps you find a path for your son's recovery, as I said - I'm no professional but I do have understanding on this type of situation and know how hard it can be on a parent.

Good luck to yourself and the well being of your family