Anger Management, or something else?

I am new to the board and have been looking around, as well as reading up different information on the internet, and well I'm still just very confused. I'm not sure if I have a problem with anger management, if I am just depressed (and need depression meds) or if I am bipolar?

I have always had a pretty short temper and been very stubborn. And I'm also selfish and pigheaded. When talking to someone and expressing my opinion, I can become agitated and restless if they don't agree with it or argue with them; however, I think that is somewhat normal for many people. I have taken medications for depression in the past (Zoloft, Paxil, Lexapro) and they did help with mellowing me out (according to family and friends); however, I am not on them any longer (The sexual side effects caused problems with my girlfriend and I so I decided to stop. The decreased sex drive never seemed to go away and she always felt as though I just wasn't attracted to her. Anyhow, I have noticed that lately whenever I am talking to her and I feel as though either she isn't listening, or she isn't doing what I think she should, or whatever the case really I become extremely angry. And, it is as though it is something that can just creep up on me out of nowhere and hit like a brick wall. We will be in a discussion, calmly talking and then she will say something that agitates me and I will just blow up. Screaming and hollering, not listening to anything she has to say, just going on and on and on. Sometimes it feels as though it isn't even me, as though I am looking at someone else and wondering "Why are you doing this?", because at the time, I don't even care that I am hurting her. It happens whenever she is upset, sad, sick, any time. It's as though I just can't control getting so angry. I get loud enough that when I am upstairs and all doors and windows are closed you can still hear me halfway in the back yard. The sad part about it though, is that as soon as I get off the phone (This is usually where it happens), I am still very mad, but typically I start thinking about everything that was said and how I acted and I immediately become extremely sad and want to cry. I realize how rude, mean, hateful, everything that I was, to her and realize that what I was going on about wasn't even worth all of that.

With that being said, I guess I am just searching for some type of answers? I know that I need to talk to a therapist because I bottle a lot up inside and have a hard time admitting to things (For example, when I get mad about something and blow up, I always have to have a reason to justify it, rather than just admitting that I was wrong. Even if it was something that I was angry at my girlfriend about, I was wrong for blowing up THAT badly and not just telling her my concerns and issue with it and letting it be that).

So do I need anger management, am I bipolar, am I just depressed, what is going on? (I do know that I have depression going on as it runs in the family and I also know that I am depressed. I have been out of work for a year now and things are really starting to build up as the economy is horrible and jobs are scarce. I feel like a complete loser. I find myself crying just about every day and night thinking about how horrible things have become. And, although I would never actually do it, I have thought about the idea of suicide. My beliefs and the fact that I could never do that to my family and friends weigh too heavily to actually do something like that though. It's more along the lines of "At least my pain would stop and maybe others would be better off without my issues", but they go away fairly quickly, so I'm not really worried about that.

That's about all!! Sorry for the novel.

Hey, JustConfused! I think you might need therapy and to learn how to deal with issues in a healthy way. You could try some medication for depression or anger too, if the doctor says so. Do you get depressed for a while and then agitated and nervous? It's best to talk to a professional about it, but it can help to analize your own situation, to get yourself thinking. I'm glad you found this place.
Do you think you could just walk away or take some time off to calm down when you feel like you might blow up again? Then you can look for your girlfriend and apologise and explain that you didn't want to start yelling and then just try to talk through the problem. Make sure you let her know that her feelings are important to you after a fight like this.
Try to get help and think about the future, this won't last for ever.

PS: Sorry about the late reply.

Regardless if there's any underlying cause, I think it's best to solve the reasons as to why you blow up in the first place. From living with a father who showed similar attitude towards things and by reflecting back on his situations I have found that a lot of it has to do with something personal. As a man, the hardest thing to do is open up. When I chose to leave my family, my dad was furious. He would talk to me calmly and then blow up. Was violent, screaming -- saying I was worthless and I'm exactly the kid he didn't want me to be. He had everyone in my family pack my belongings and wouldn't let me do it. He was completely irrational. He lost control.

He's a controlling guy, as I am -- but how can a controlling guy lose control of himself?

His colleagues would tell me he'd call them, crying his eyes out about me. He's got a big heart and big hearts bleed the most. I respect my Dad, and wouldn't have wanted to grow up any other way, but I do wish he could have found a way to control his anger more.

As a human we have choices, and we can choose to display anger at something when necessary. It makes sense right? We have a controlling nature, so we should be able to control our own selves?

Personal questions do not have one answer, they're many answers.

There is a formula for anger if you like to work out things in a logical way:
frustration leads to anger, anger leads to compulsiveness, compulsiveness leads to loss of control.

The best way to handle a problem is to deal with what causes it. In this case it's frustration.

Find out what causes the frustration in the first place. Don't make excuses (rationalizations) - find a legitimate reason. When someone says something that irritates you, think about why it truly irritates you.

Here's a few examples:
I don't like the idea of gang members shooting each other on the streets and hitting an innocent person.
Nobody thinks of that statement and gets immediately angry for no reason -- they think about something, the shooting, the carelessness of the people conducting the event, the innocent person's death, etc. But there is a reason.

Why do you get mad at someone that cuts you off?
They could have caused an accident. They're careless and could harm someone else later. There is a reason.

In your case, there is instinctive anger that instantly gets converted into compulsiveness. But what is the legitimate reason? Why do you get agitated in the first place? Is there a better way to open up to yourself, or someone else about why you got irritated?
(before loss of control)

No answer in the world has ever been found without asking a question. And no question has ever been solved without understanding it's components.

hope this helps

Sorry for the late reply all, things have been extremely hectic around here. I've been out of work for a year and just finally was able to land a job thankfully.

As far as what you all said, it all makes sense. Especially about asking the questions, what is it that is truly agitating me? Sometimes I'm afraid that I don't know how to truthfully answer that. I worry that I make up excuses or beat around the bush, even with myself. I know that a lot of my frustration in the relationship comes from the children. My girlfriend has 3 children (two boys, 7 and 9 and a 14yr old daughter) and there are so many times that I feel that I have absolutely no say over anything when it comes to them. I realize that they aren't my kids and I really shouldn't; however, I do feel that as someone looking in I'm able to see certain things that she doesn't, because she is their mom. Babying them, allowing them to run all over her and take advantage, etc.. All of this really does bother me. The boys are boys most of the time, but they are so used to getting away with whatever they want, with basically the only discipline being mom yelling at them a little; however, they don't have any true punishment. I wasn't raised like that and I wasn't raised to allow kids to do a lot of the things they do, yet any time I say anything to her, we get into a fight. Her reasoning is "you just get mad because I don't do exactly what you say or what you think should happen", but it isn't really about that. It's about seeing there is a problem and seeing there really is no solution being delivered.

Then there are other relationship issues that I won't get into (Just don't want to get on a soap box or anything. LOL). But like you said, being a guy (which is the case for most guys), I don't show emotions or open up very well, I end up just getting mad. I really do want to learn how to stop myself when I feel the frustration and anger coming on and learn how to get through it without a fight or arguing and blowing up. I do feel that it is something that needs to be worked on with both of us however, because as I'm sure everyone knows, most women are good at drawing the bad side out. LOL.

Oh and about being asked if I find myself getting depressed for a while and then becoming severely agitated and nervous, no I've never come across that. I honestly don't think I'm bipolar, I think I just need to learn how to control my anger and temper. That and learn how to talk things out.

Have you thought about writing things down first, to get your thoughts sorted out? Maybe it would help you with opening up, if you know exactly what it is that you'd like to say. Does she make you feel like you can't open up to her, like you're "stuck" emotionally, when you're arguing?

When we argue I feel more like she just doesn't get what I'm saying, or more so that she feels like I have no valid reason to feel the way I do. I know that I'm not always right and sometimes I get mad at stupid things, but there are things that do really bother me that no matter what I say about them, or how often I blow up she just doesn't get it. Everyone (family and friends) keeps asking me why I keep going back (When we break up, etc.) and why I keep calling her and all I can really explain is that it's like a part of me feels like I won't be happy until I know she understands.

Then maybe writing her a letter would help. Just put everything in there and you'll know you did your best.