Bursts of anger make me (want to be) violent. This is new...

This is very new to me. I've been frustrated before, been angry and on occasion have even shouted. But I've never thrown anything at someone, broken anything of value, hurt someone physically, nor used hateful language (excluding when I was real young a couple times that I recall I shouted at my parents when deprived of something insignificant).

But lately it's gotten worse. I want to physically maim people who piss me off (feeling like clawing their eyes out, for instance). Most often, however, when it gets bad I've hit myself (like a slap to the thigh with my hand or an object) or scratched myself, never hard enough to leave marks for long tho. If I'm on the phone with someone who pisses me off by not stopping talking or something (usually my mother) I slam the phone on me or a desk or something. When driving in the car with someone else in it who says something to piss me off, I want to run the car into a wall or something equally deadly.

I know that my anger originates with my mother who is overly obliging and intrusive (being that she never had a job after I was born and was always up in everyone's business and has no friends of her own nor does she have many hobbies).

The general basis of my frustration lies with people telling me what to do and/or how to do it. I'm fairly certain my plummet to the bottom came from working for 18 months as a secretary where I was 1) faced with multiple morons every day and 2) degraded either to my face or in a kind of "sideways talk" by the other secretary (eg she would say to someone else in front of her, in earshot of me, basically insinutating that I can't handle even the simplest of jobs -- which isn't true, I just hated the job... also complaining whenever I made a silly mistake and ultimately denying she EVER made such a mistake despite me finding many, many mistakes that she and others made multiple times.... but that's another story.... ) After about a year I wanted to quite literally walk over and break her neck, but I never even said anything to her. I'd just stop talking to her and pretend she didn't exist, then I'd get the old "What's wrong?". sigh.

So basically I never really act on frustrations, never scream or shout or punch or throw.... (tho when I was younger I used to snap pencils....).

My main concern? now I'm getting angry at my live-in boyfriend. Not that he orders me around or anything, but even the slightest suggestion on how to do the stupidest little insignificant thing will piss me off, even tho I know it shouldn't because most of the time he's right (as is my mom when she suggests something, but it still pisses me off).

This goes along with confrontations. Opposing opinions is not what gets me going, but more like people being argumentative or just simply wanting to have a friendly debate. I CAN'T HANDLE IT. I never could. I remember in 6th grade a really rude girl saying something mean and then asking why I couldn't fight back with words. I never could and still can't. It's always been hard for me to put certain feelings into words, which is odd because I'm not exactly a bad writer, and I feel *everything*. I hate that this is said to be a sign of base intelligence (reacting in anger and not with words). Or maybe part of my dyslexia rather than lack of intelligence. I don't know, I'm not exactly a professional.

It's growing beyond this tho... Computer doesn't do what I want, want to literally smash it with something. Can't understand something in a text book, want to rip it apart.

I don't really have much of an anger outlet except the gym. I don't go as often as I should but it does help to listen to angry music and walk it off.

I'm beginning to think I should talk to a professional and figure out why I have these violent urges. However I have no money for that (for now, anyway).

I'm under the impression I just have some sort of general anxiety issue that hasn't been treated or outletted, so it's just exploding as anger.... I am on birth control but these feelings are far from secluded to one week a month. I also just started taking Ginseng and Ginkgo because I wanted to see if it helped the bit of ADD I feel I have.

arite, ramble over.

am I right that I should see a professional about this, if nothing else, just to talk it out?

orsomething wrote:I'm beginning to think I should talk to a professional and figure out why I have these violent urges. However I have no money for that (for now, anyway).

I am thinking so too. Anger is a strange thing that can tear us apart or benefit us. At the moment, it's obviously tearing you apart but you can learn over time how to use it to your advantage. Your job situation didn't help in any way, nor does your mother. Cincidentally, work and my mother were two big sources of my anger too. I gradually migrated to threatening people and was openly/outwardly angry in public areas. That was a long time aago though.

You've mentioned a few times that being told to do things is another source. Of course, you don't have to do anything that anyone tells you (including me), but there are more productive ways of dealing with situations like that. I just laugh them off now, and walk away if someone tries to boss me around.

Take care,
Kevin