Angry too much!

Bipolar1983 wrote:Hi KK,

How's it going? Are things getting any better? It's been a while since I last wrote you. I hope all is well. Talk to you soon.

AJ

Hi AJ,

Thanks for asking. I posted in another section about how I blew up with my dad. He was being so evil and lied to my sister on the phone about me, which scares me because my sister has done a LOT of mean things to me since my illness began. She and her husband might just come try to take me to a shelter or something for all I know! So I yelled about how he refused to let me take care of him right and he got worse. He said, "I don't want you to take care of me, I should have never let you." He told my sister that he could not support me in the lifestyle I am accustomed to??? What a joke, I have not had money to buy any clothes this year, get a haircut or even go to the dentist. Nothing. He made it sound as if I was demanding huge amounts of money for anything and everything. Also told her I was in lockdown in my room in a "mood". I think he is the crazy one.

I yelled and reminded him that I have no income and no where to go, so what am I supposed to do? To which he replied, "who decided I had to be the one responsible for you?" He has said that about 100 times since all this began. He really made me feel pushed into a corner and desperate but I got through it. I did tell him that I would just have to do something desperate and I will make sure to write a nice long letter letting people know how he has treated me since my illness. I know it was emotional black mail, but I was desperate! That shut him up at least and we did not speak for days. I refuse to touch his leg or have anything to do with it. I did call my therapist that day, and she even said, "well, just let his leg rot off if that is how he is going to be" and I agreed.

There is so much bitterness and hatred between the two of us that if my mom were not here, I don't know what I would do. No way would I stay here, no matter what.

I started to write you a message, but I feel like the situation is impossible and there is nothing anyone can do. I get tired of griping about things to people on here. It is the SSDD if you get my meaning.

Things are a little better now, I did stay in my room and slept a couple of days. The whole thing made me physically and mentally very sick. I thought seriously about going to the hospital, anything to get away. I am hoping they go on this weekend family reunion at the end of the month, and I can get a few days break.

Sorry you asked?

I hope things are better for you!

Hi KK,

I'm sorry to hear that things continue to remain so bad. It definitely sounds like you need a break, and I'm sorry that your dad is treating you the way he does. You don't deserve that. Just keep your distance from him. I hope you get some time away from him, or they go away at the end of the month. Some time minus your dad will probably do you a lot of good. Keep on doing what you're doing, stay strong. I'm hurting right along side of you. Not the same situation as you, but we're both hurting.

Let's stay in touch.
AJ

AJ,

I am so sorry that you are hurting also. No one deserves this! Maybe if you could share it at least you would be venting and getting it out. That is why I do it on here whether anyone listens or not. I am a good listener and can be objective when it comes to others.

So what is going on in your situation? It might help you and me, seeing that we are not alone in this.

KK

KK wrote:AJ,

I am so sorry that you are hurting also. No one deserves this! Maybe if you could share it at least you would be venting and getting it out. That is why I do it on here whether anyone listens or not. I am a good listener and can be objective when it comes to others.

So what is going on in your situation? It might help you and me, seeing that we are not alone in this.

KK

Hi KK,

I'm sorry we're going through it, too. It sucks. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but last night I was crying in my living room and thought "God must think I'm pretty strong, or at least strong enough to handle this burden that I've been carrying for so long now." It made me feel a little less weak, which is a good thing.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, Schizoaffective disorder, and Generalized Anxiety disorder about 9 years ago. Since then, I have seen psychiatrists and psychologists who think I might also have mild cases of OCD and PTSD.

I think my the majority of my issues/problems stem from being made fun of, teased and picked on, and physically abused all throughout 1st - 12th grade. All of the different abuse caused me to lose all self-confidence, and I still don't think highly of myself or love myself, even to this day. For the past 3 months my moods have been fluctuating dramatically, and I have been extremely irritable and confrontational, which is not how I normally am at all. I've been thinking a lot about suicide, and mutilated my arm 3 weeks ago. There's a lot of pain going on right now and I feel defeated and broken. It's a sad, crappy place I'm in right now, but I have to try to remain positive and hopeful that things will get better.

Hopefully my new meds will start to do a better job soon; and if not, I'll just have to get put on something different. I think I need something stronger for my mood swings.

What about you? Tell me somethings about yourself. I love this site - it's such a wonderful outlet and helps me cope better with everything that's going on. I just love it, love it, love it.

Hope to talk to you soon. God bless you.
AJ

Hi AJ,

I am glad this site works well for you. Your situation sounds eerily similar to mine. I did not have any physical abuse really, but severe emotional abuse from the mouth of my dad. I am having to go off the Cymbalta now because there is no way I can afford $170 or more a month for it. Therefore my thought processes are pretty bad. He is so miserable I sometimes wish he would just pass on, I have had many thoughts of poisoning him. I know I would never do it, but I do think about it a lot.

My son is going through a hellacious time because of an ex-girlfriend. He had to leave town to get away from her. All I know is that if she does something that causes him to drink, which is deadly for him, and he dies which he almost did 2 years ago...she will be one dead slut! She is a stripper, sleeps with any guy that will have her and she is one of those white women that date all these black guys that have been awful in front of my grandchildren. They beat her and call her every name in the book and who knows what else.

She puts herself in these situations and now drinks all the time and takes lots of Xanax. She has a child that is not quite 2 years old! What a mess. Those children need to be taken from her but DSS does nothing. I almost bought a phone today to send her death threats. She needs shaking up, but I decided I better let things cool off or she might know it is me. I know this might not help, but I do wish her dead right now. Her children would be so much better off.

I almost bought liquor today, I just want to get some peace. Yeah, the mental health care system is broken. I have tried to be the perfect patient and I have gotten treated like dirt. I cannot get the help or the meds I need. I don't know where to turn really. I am just going to try my best and see what happens.

I don't fear going out in the public, I just hate having no one to talk to and I can tell when people are rejecting me because they dealt with me in the past. It happens to me more and more lately.

Oh well, I think I have done enough damage here for one day.

Believe it or not, I try also to stay upbeat. It is just really near impossible right now.

KK