new here...boyfriend has me convinced that I am ...

Hi all,

I just registered after doing some online searching on the effects of someone's uncalled for anger, blames, and accusations.

I've been with my (now ex) fiance for 2 years. His first wife of 23 years left him as soon as their son graduated and left home. She told him it was because of "his anger". She was pretty quiet, didn't rock the boat with him for years...and he finds out at the end that she had been taking her feelings to another man, who she eventually left him for. He went into counseling, and after about 10 sessions, his counselor told him he was "all set and didn't need to go anymore". (that's what he told me anyway).

Well, for the last 9 months, he has been getting worse and worse with anger, and everytime I disagree with him on anything, he pouts. He tries to start fights, it seems, and whenever I defend myself against his accusataions, he says stuff like, "There, see, I just CAN'T EVER make you happy!" or "see, ALL YOU DO IS NITPICK at me CONSTANTLY". He is not used to any woman who shares her feelings with him, and now I can see why...he blows up! Oh, he also said that his ex told him that he was "too black and white, no in between". I see that.

I could write instance after instance of how he takes everything to the extreme. He has broken up with me about a dozen times since last spring, only I run to him and beg him back, promising I'll do whatever he wants. Oh, and my mom died of cancer 10 months ago, and I hadn't yet gotten over the death of my sister only a year and a half before that! He has never lightened up on me at all considering all the grief I'm going thru.

Well, last night I told myself THAT IS IT! It all started with something small but same story. I stood my ground for once and said that I'd like an apology for him being rude to me. He said "no and as a matter of fact, I CAN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY...we are done!!"

I've fought hard and have NOT called or texted him all day...he lives two hours away too. He has not called texted either. he is used to me coming to him and trying to fix it all myself.

If anyone wants to know the details of the ridiculous phone call last night, I will surely tell them. I just wanted to be sure someone read it, as it's my first time here.

I'm at my wits end. Oh, and my self esteem, what's left of it, is in tatters. That is my OWN fault I feel. The heart ache hurts so bad. I'm rambling, but I'm teetering...he almost has convinced me that I am the problem.
Help!
sunny

Hi Sunny,

What is very sad about this is that there is no winner anywhere. You have been left in a bad state and - even though he might appear to be okay - I'm sure that he's hurting inside. plus, we all know that he'll just move onto another relationship and that will also self-destruct too. He should have gone to a doctor and sorted his problems out in his first relationship. His problem is treatable and people can very much recover from it.

Let's ignore him though and focus on you! You're welcome to talk about that phone call which you had. i doubt that it's as ridficulous as you claim it is/was, and I really think that talking about it will help you. Ultimately, the whole 'non-contact' thing is best. When I broke up with oe of my exes, the break-up lasted around a year, and I just felt stupid in the end because all I needed to do was delete her numbers and adress, and get myself a new number too. I 'eliminated' her from my mind and regarded her as something completely irrelevant.

Kevin

You are not the problem my dear, and never let him or anyone else tell you otherwise. You're simply the victim of emotional abuse.

I'm very glad that you stood your ground this time. My mother never did this, and if she had, I would never have any of the problems I have today due to my dad. She allowed my father to beat us down to the point where we didn't have even a shred of self-esteem left. I'm so thankful that you won't allow this to happen.
I know you're probably fighting the urge to go running back to him, but you just have to stay strong. You don't owe him a single apology. You haven't done nothing wrong.
If you feel the thought edging it's way back in your head that "Oh, I'll just give him one more chance", please remember that things will only get harder the longer you stay in an abusive relationship like this. Abusive partners don’t get better. The abuse only continues to escalate over time. If you don’t stick with your choice to leave now, you'll just become even more beaten down and devastated by this.

Never allow his words and actions to get to you, and always remember that you deserve to be loved, honored, and treated as the valuable woman that you are.

thank you. I am going to stay strong. I'm tired of it, and that in itself, gives me the strength to stay away from this. I didn't answer the phone when he called about 6 times last night. Your words have helped.

These kinds of experiences are not easy to go through for anyone, but you seem very strong and are doing so well with this. One question I have is whether you have someone locally you can talk with and find more support? A friend or family member, a counselor or spiritual adviser, anyone at all who has good ears and a kind heart, could probably be of great help to you now.

septembersun wrote:thank you. I am going to stay strong. I'm tired of it, and that in itself, gives me the strength to stay away from this. I didn't answer the phone when he called about 6 times last night. Your words have helped.

That's good Sunny. Keep up the good work. Things should become progressively easier as time goes by.

Take care,
kevin