Been getting worse and worse again.

Not really sure where this goes, its depression but I pretty much hate the world too.

I cant say exactly what is going on I do not think, but I am getting to the point I do not care about anyone, and want stuff to happen to everyone. I say its anger, since I do not understand why I am like this, even though it includes people I do not know, or even seen before, but I still hate them anyway.

I am severely depressed as well. I have gone to try to get help multiple times over the last 15 years. 3 times I have wasted all day and not even got to talk to anyone. This has created a catch 22 situation at this point. Cannot get an appointment without just going in and hoping for the best, and after 3 times at 3 different places I am not going to do that. I believe that is what is contributing to my hatred towards everything and everyone. At first I was just depressed and mostly wanted to hurt myself. Now I feel since I cant get any help for me, and no places to go to get help will help me, then everyone should be fair game as well. I do not think I am better than others, but tired of others implying directly or indirectly other people are better than me somehow by helping them but not me.

Early last month I did something stupid, and my last friend I have (had) left convinced me to go to a hospital. They sent me to another and I stayed there for 3 days. When I got out I was fine, I though finally I was going to get some help since they referred me to another place. They was unable to make an appt at the time (Sat.) so was told to go or call them. I called and was told to come in at 8am and would have to wait, that they would not make an appointment for the first time.... Instantly I was right back to where I was.

I have told my mother more than I could ever say here or even to someone trying to help me since it would lead to other things. I think she finally realizes how serious it is. She could not get any results either.

I need help, I would get it, but I wont risk going and wasting all day again either. It would not end well for anyone if I got to the point I decided I was done waiting or was told I would have to come back another day.

How do I get it across to these people that I have a problem, that is becoming more and more leading to others going to have a problem as well when I finally go off the deep end? Just yesterday I woke up, started having some thoughts so just went back to bed. While at the hospital they did give me some medicine, but I stopped taking it since it was 2 weeks worth, and I knew before one week was up they was going to run out and I would not have anymore or a way to get another prescription so why bother.

I do not know why I am like this, it does not make sense to me and is the very reason I know something is very very wrong, but it is like it is.

Hi, Lostinthecrowd! Does the depression come and go and when the depression is almost gone, do you feel more irritable or angry? It really sucks that they can't make time for you or treat you right. You need help and what happens to you and what you feel is important.
What would happen if you went there really, really early in the morning to wait for an appointment and even came back the next day if you had to? Ask your mom to go with you so you won't feel alone. Also, make sure to tell the doctor everything, including about your frustrations about medication and everything, so they'll know what to do.

It has not gone away or got better in the last 5 years or so. It is just getting worse and worse now with my hatred towards everyone becoming stronger and stronger and at times when it increase it is for no reason. 4 years ago I started dumping all my friends except one, 3 years ago I quit my job and have not worked since, 2 years ago I left my wife, and just in the last month pretty much have dumped the friend I had left. I just stopped talking much and stopped going over etc... and I think she got tired of trying and finally stopped calling or coming over a week or two ago when we had been talking daily for years now.

My mom went with me the last time I went and sat all day, my wife had gone with me one of the times before. If I went and waited for an appointment, or to see someone and it did not work out, I would be a threat to myself and everyone there (Almost to that point with nothing "bad" per se happening to set it off). When I was at the hospital last month waiting for the other hospital to come pick me up (they would not tell me where to go so I could drive myself) I was tired of waiting after about 4 hours and told them I was about to leave if something did not start happening. While I told them I was about to leave, I knew I was about to start to hurt people there rather than leaving. That is not what I really want to do or have happen, but the thoughts keep coming more and they are more intense and it is harder and harder to control it. Every time I go to get help or try to get help and nothing happens it increases my anger and hatred several times over what it already was. This last time just being told I would have to come and wait and they would not make one without doing that I was out trying to get someone angry at me and come at me so I could seriously hurt them and not wind up in trouble with the law. Pretty sure any time I could get away with hurting someone, I would not think twice about doing so since the law is becoming more and more irrelevant to me. I feel the system has failed in my case multiple times, so I am not too worried about following their or anyones system anymore and the system is as responsible for whatever happens as I am.

I recognize when I am having irrational thoughts, and know that is exactly what they are, but it has become difficult to not think about following through with them anyway. I cant tell the doctors everything, while I want, need and am willing to go get help if I could get it, I am not willing to risk being committed (I have researched bomb making, I have looked into buying AR16's etc... so if I was on the other side and it was someone else I would consider if that is what was needed).

What if going to a hospital really is what you'd need, though? Would being commited be so awful? I don't mean to make you feel bad, I don't know a lot about hospitals.
What if you went to your regular doctor and told them about what's going on and how badly you need help? You might burst if you keep carrying all this anger inside of you and I think you need to get any kind of help as soon as possible.

The reason I get to the point I need to go to the hospital is because I cannot get out patient treatment (or at least I am convinced I cant at this point, especially since I have decided I will not risk wasting more time going in and hoping for the best. 40+ hours of waiting total already while not continual or day after day, I am just not going to do it again no matter what.). If I could get an appointment I would be there, but I cant without having to go in and wait and hope. So I feel I am being punished due to noone around here helping me on a outpatient basis. Also last month when I went into a hospital I spent 3.5 days there, a dr talked to me for less than 15 minutes and gave me a prescription for 14 pills. Seems to me very wasteful for the money spent compared to what was received. That could had happened in a clinic for much less than what it costs to stay in the hospital and much much quicker. IF I could get treatment/meds I would not need to be in a hospital in the first place. The day I got out I thought I was going to be able to get an appointment at the place they was referring me too, that day after I got out, up until I was told I was going to have to go and wait, I felt better than I had in over a decade for those 12 hours or so, after I found out it was going to be a waiting game again, I was worse than when I had went into the hospital.

<Remove this part if needed due to other users here...
The reason my friend convinced me to go to the hospital is because I take a box (24) of sleeping pills all the time, a few times a week at least now. I know it wont hurt me, at least not unless it builds up in my system, dunno about that, but not just the 24 alone at the time I take them. Just makes me where before I go to sleep I am unable to move, and makes me sleep harder and longer than I normally would.>

I do not have a regular doctor, physically I am in very good shape, other than what smoking for 20 years does to a body. I rarely even catch a common cold. I have only needed to go to a regular doctor one time since 1987? and that was due to an infection. I have went to one due to needing a checkup/physical or whatnot due to work.

I know I am going to burst sooner or later if nothing changes, I know I need help, I am willing to get help but I am not willing to go and wait and wait and wait for no reason, and I do not want to be in a hospital all the time when I do not need to be if I could just get some clinic or whatever to make an appointment. I do not understand why I cannot just get an appointment (I have mental health insurance from the state when I went into the hospital the last time and still have it), and do not feel like I should be punished and have to be in a hospital to get treatment. After I get out the treatment is over anyway and not going to spend my life in one to continue to get treatment. If I told them everything so they knew I needed an appointment, I am pretty sure I would no longer have a choice not to be in a hospital.

Just at the point where I have no hope of getting outpatient treatment, and refuse to keep going to inpatient treatment since I am not going to live in one forever by choice or not, and once I get out its the same as it is now.

I do not get why it is so hard to just get an appointment, after that I go in, and I am positive it gets better.... but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo that would be too hard apparently.

hi lost,
you should not be released on a weekend. Did they assign you a social worker?
What was your diagnosis? Did you make it clear that you felt like you still wanted
to hurt yourself or someone else?

red

Not sure about not supposed to be released on the weekend, but was released on a Sunday. They referred me to this other place. Also no idea what they thought, like I said spoke to a doctor less than 10-15 minutes max.

Thats part of the problem, I cant tell them that, I would be committed which I am not going to allow to happen if I can help it since >>. As well as when I was being released, that would not had been a true statement anyway, I felt I was going to be getting help after I got out. Its when I feel I cannot get any help, not when I am getting it, or think I will be. Why I say I feel like I am being punished when I am in the hospital. At this point my mother which I have told more than anyone everything, after trying told me early this morning she has done all she can try to do to get an appointment as well.

lost,
When you are upset and you don't know what to do, be a walk in.
And yes if you are thinking about hurting yourself or others, they will help you.
Any psych that you have seen. You have to tell them the truth so you can get
the help and keep getting.
It is suffering not to get the help you need. I have felt that way myself.
No they should not release you on a weekend unless you have a appt. on
Monday morning with a psych.
I understand you respond to the therapy because you want help, tell them that.
I have been a walkin myself. Do it today. Tell them the truth.
Tell them about the sleeping pills. They can't help if they dont really know
what is going on inside you. Have your mom go with you if needed.
Those sleeping pills might be hurting your mind, not let certain meds work.
I have had to wait to be signed in a ward. I am better for it. alot better.
Red

Walking in is pointless, that is what I am saying. I wait all day and was told to come back the next day because they did not have time to see me and they was about to close. Multiple times, the last time was two days after I thought I was going to succeed overdosing. My wife was asking me if she shoudl call the hospital because she said "it looks like your going to die" and she did not know what was happening at the time. She found pills and told my mother and that is when my mother went and sat with me, that is why I am not going to do it again. I realize its not a baseball game, but they had 3 strikes (Yes, 3 times I went and sat all day to be told to come back the next day), so its out of the question now.

I know it would be better if I could tell them the truth, but I do that I get committed I am pretty sure. I told them about the pills the last time. Its probably the only reason they did anything last month. I can only get help if I am a threat to myself or others????? If that is the case I do not want help!!! If I am not worth helping except if that is the case then I am not worth helping to save someone else either.

I am not taking any meds, I stopped when I was told to come in and wait (They are still in the cabinet except the two I was supposed to had taken before I called to get an appointment.). Even if I had been taking them I would had been out two weeks ago anyway.

I am not mad at you, and know your just trying to help but I am at the point if I cannot get an appointment and do this without having to be in a hospital I am not going to do it at all. Period. Not being able to tell them everything makes it alot harder, I realize that, but at the same time I am not the one that made the rules that prevents me from being able to do so without being punished. I am not the one that refuses to make an appointment without people having to come in and wait with still no guarantee one will be made. I went and sat, I waited all day long three times (four if you count the time I was sent to another hospital), I have went to the hospital, I have told them as much as possible without being committed. I do not know what else to do, I do not know how to get it through to these people how serious the situation is becoming without being punished for doing so. I am keeping myself locked up in my home to try to make sure nothing happens. Part of the system failed multiple times, another part of the system prevents me from being able to tell them everything. I will take responsibility for my actions and inactions, but I did not create this problem that prevents me from getting help with my problem that is getting out of control.

I came here to try to get help on how to get these stupid people to make an appointment. I dont care about their rules, their procedures are anything other than them just making a stupid appointment. I can get an appointment if I call and say my arm hurts, I can get one if I need eye glasses, I can make a reservation to eat at a restaurant, but I call and tell them I have a mental problem and something is not right, and cant get one. It makes zero sense to me.

I know your not mad at me. I am trying to help, but most people that are having trouble with a mental illness
are ten times more likely to run into law enforcement than medical professionals.
I dont want that to happen to you. go get some relaxation cd's, dvd's, burn lavender or/and vanilla candles.
Do yoga. Picture your dream place, beautiful and safe. mountains, valleys, forest, streams, listen to ocean sounds.
There is not a three strikes for mental illness, there is a three strikes in the states that if you break a law.
Your not doing breaking any laws.

This is a problem, if you have insurance, call them. otherwise I dont know what to tell you. hon.
A pysch is not going to want a upset man in his waiting room. There has to be a psych that is human and has a heart.