I'm afraid I could become a serial killer.

Ever since I was a baby, I was diagnosed with communicating hydrocephalus. I have had a number of brain surgeries throughout my life. Two when I was under a year old, one when I was 14 and two more at the age of 22. This last one was due to a brain infection that came due to a cut above my shunt. The cut allowed bacteria to get in and I had to have brain surgery and undergo physical therapy to relearn to use my left hand and re-develop my coordination.

I have always had outbursts growing up, but after this last brain infection, it seems they have gotten more violent. For example, I once threw my mother through a door and pulled an air rifle on her when she wouldn't get out of my face. She would constantly nag me. Another time, I took my family hostage, so to speak, while holding a knife, telling them if they called the police, I was going to slaughter them. For the most part, though, each time, I would have deep regret after the episode. There's also a small tiny voice inside that tells me to "stop", but it seems to have weakened after my last brain surgery.

I have never been close to my mother. In fact, I am 25 and still live in the same house, because, due to my disabilities, she has sheltered me. I did move out twice, but I ended up back here. My father has more or less taken a withdrawn role and has allowed it.

My psychiatrist said he thinks I have frontal lobe syndrome. I made a recent visit to a hospital and they found lesions on my frontal lobe. They recommended me to my physician. My physician wasn't so sure and put me on Prozac and said a month from now, he's going to put me on ADHD meds. He said I have suffered from many of these issues as a child (and he's right), but lately they seem much worse. In fact, after a recent fight with my ex-girlfriend (which prompted me seeking help) and only being on the Prozac for a week (which seems to make me happy), I'm writing this email because while I am definitely a lot more productive than I have ever been in my life, I'm wondering if the medicine might be impairing my judgment. I did not feel sadness when I hurt my girlfriend (only happiness), even though I wanted to.

I have made stages to try to break free of my codependent relationship with her and have a healthy one, but it seems I still make some impulsive decisions even while being sedated on the Prozac. I'm wondering if there might indeed be a lesion on my brain that is causing this and if lesions are ever removed? I would do anything, because I honestly fear I'm going to hurt someone. I have always had a love for people and I want this dark side out of me, if at all possible.

In the meantime, though, I am taking as much time to myself to work out my mental issues. To rewire my faulty mental programming, if at all possible.

You're in a strange situation because you clearly know what is best for you, but you aren't trying to pursue it. You mentioned that you still live at home and that your mother shelters you. Well, don't let her shelter you anymore. It's time for you to move out and make your own life. I'm 26 now and have just moved out for the first time. Don't ever accept things the way they are and, by the way, I do'nt believe that you'll become a serial killer. If you were to become one, then you wouldn't have come here talking about all of this stuff.

So, your options: Don't let your mother shelter you anymore, and tell her that you want to become independent. Tell this to your doctor too so that he/she can liaise back to your mother. I know another person in a similar situation. The kid kicks and beats his mother who just accepts it because she believes that it's his mental problem that is to blame. No, that's wrong, the kid is to blame, and you are to blame here too for the bad things that you have done. Please hear me out here dude - I'm not against you in any way. What I'm saying is, you can't ever use your mental problem as a reason for doing 'wrong' things. You will have to become independent and accept responsibility for your actions.

Kevin

Thanks for your honest words, Kevin. I've been saving money back to get a car and with that car, a renewed sense of independence and freedom. So I'm taking steps to get away from that.

I'm just saddened that I keep making impulsive decisions like I do when cornered. Its like I don't feel bad about it until after the fact. So for now, I'm just going to work on rewiring my brain until I get that independence back.

I could move in with a relative for the meantime, but the only person I think who would take me would be my uncle and he's stricter. And I don't think I need strictness right now.

What about moving out into yiour own place dude? Okay, you can't do this right now, but you can set it as a target/goal for the futuire, can't you? Just please don't sit there and accept your life as it is. THings will very likely not get better if you do the same things over and over again. Things must change, and you will have to make an effort. Get into the habit of doing things the long way around, or the hard way. This will boost your drive/determination.

Kevin

you dont seem like a serial killer...

xShinigamiEyesx, what have you been getting up to these days? Kyle is right, of course, and if you were the person you fear that you're becoming, then you wouldn't have come here (as I've already mentioned). Let me know how you're doing by PM if you wish.

Kevin