Relationship/Life Anger

I apologize in advance for posting what you probably get on here incessantly.

I really think I'm at the end of my rope. At this point, I've become more thoroughly frustrated and irate than I think I ever have.

First off, I like to think of myself as successful. I'm studying for graduate school admissions, I'm at the top of my undergrad class, I run a business, etc. I work my ass off perpetually. I obsess over my looks, clothing, and affect- without being self-diagnosing, I'm incredibly narcissistic, to the point of obsession. I obsess over keeping my apartment perfectly decorated and perfectly clean. I worry about my handwriting being organized. I constantly check myself in mirrors to ensure I look good. I'm always, always on guard. I exercise nearly two hours a day to keep fit, and I sometimes starve myself because I don't have a six pack despite years of weight lifting- mainly because I can't keep myself from eating a big meal sometimes. A single social faux pas can have me so pissed off at myself I throw things around my apartment.

I've been having largely relationship issues. The problem is, I really want a girlfriend- and I often get to date girls. But I can't stand them. Every single girl I've dated, without question, ends up being slutty to me- they are all the types who have screwed countless guys, or those who have had long ex-boyfriends. They always seem to be constantly comparing me to their great exes, or otherwise making it clear I was the "safe" choice. I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs, so the presumption is because I'm working to be successful I'm a good "catch"- so, when they are done with their "fun" guys, they seem to insinuate I'm their safety net. Even the idea infuriates me. I can't see them, but every other guy they preferred over me, and every other guy they compare me to.

A second factor is depression. I went through a severe bout of depression last year, and it's still lingering on in my life to this day. Every time I think of myself as inadequate- when I can't weight lift right, when these girls talk about their exes, when i get less than an A in a course- I want to kill myself or others. I've made some defined attempts to kill myself, and I've often contemplated killing someone randomly on the street. These thoughts often are not impassioned anger- they sometimes are- but sometimes they are scarily calm, or serene. I just decide I want to blow out my own brains for my ineptitude. Every attempt I've made has failed. No-one knows I have tried. I clean up well, so to say.

The main issue here is that I'm a virgin, and somehow it bothers me. I want to treat sex as something great, but not only has my lack of experience been distancing, but I feel like it's violated by these girls who have experience more than me. Somehow, however arbitrary, sex is the last bastion of hope I have for the world. Other than that, I can't help but think that everything is irreparably perverse and ruined, and nothing I can do can make it nice again. I want sex, but I want something nice. I want a girl I can love. I've had plenty of opportunities just to screw something.

I really want a normal life. I want the ability to be like everyone else. I want to be able to relax socially. I want to be perfect and wanted by girls who aren't slutty. And none of that will come.

I'm basically at the end of my rope. I keep having dreams about killing myself or others, or about being abandoned. I really have no idea what to do. Everyone I know thinks I'm some sort of great person, but I'm losing it. I lie my rear off to psychiatrists who ask me.

Any thoughts? Sorry for the long post.

Hi,

Do you really exercise just to keep fit?; or do you do it out of pure habit at this point? It sounds like you have OCD. In fact, I have little doubt that you do. Aside from this, there is a great case to be made here that you are simply yet to meet the girl that is right for you. Okay, well, that's blatantly obvious, but it means that you might meet someone better in the future. Also, consider your age: People are settling down at much later ages these days, and your time may simply just be in the future when all of these girls have settled down.

Kevin

Out of curiosity, who set these standards of perfection for you? That's an honest question. Don't project them onto everyone else because you believe they expect from you what you expect from yourself. Your impulse to feel inadequate and then compensate is pretty impressive to me and must be draining to deal with on a daily basis. I completely sympathize with you and I think your salvation will be in learning to love yourself without reason- recognize, accept, and manipulate your impulses, so to speak.

I agree with the last person who posted.
Your drive towards perfectionism is killing you, and robbing you of joy in life. Your demands of yourself are way overboard. Your demands of others may be the same.
A serious perfectionist (as you are) places himself in a terrible bind... requiring perfection, but at the same time knowing that perfection is impossible. No wonder you are angry and have suicidical or homicidal imagery.
Did you know that often perfectionism and depression go hand in hand? Again, because you're aiming for the impossible.
You need to get at the root of what is driving you to set such standards for yourself.
I suggest you see a good therapist asap, and stop the lying. If you want help, put your perfect image aside and dare to be real to a therapist. From what you've posted, I think it's the only way for you.

I think you should sincerely ask yourself what you want out of life, short term and long term.

Evaluate your actions, expectations and plans, short term and long term.

Now, ask yourself if those actions, expectations and plans are and will get you what you want. Remember we need to be real with ourselves.

You have set your standards so high that its making you miserable like previous posts mentioned. I am curious how your social life is. Its possible if you shelter yourself enough it makes unrealistic expectations. As they say, work hard play hard.

It seems you are trying hard to have a relationship with just one person but perhaps its best to stay single and focus on group activities. I say this because relationships take up a lot of time and in the culture we live in, you will face a lot of unnecessary pressure that will only hinder your goals in the long term. Remember, its about the people around the TV rather then how big the TV is. There may be a underlying factor related to your social challenges that is leading to these thoughts. Again, I recommend finding a good support group. It could be church and search for something that interests you. Be real with yourself and let it grow. Barack Obama said himself that he doesn't set expectations because they only let him down.

Also, about thinking to hurt another person or yourself. Imagine what that will accomplish in the end.

Sadness, emptiness, confusion.

There is nothing good that can come out of that. There are so many people out there that would love to have your lifestyle but are unable to because of a lack of resources. Its time to return to basics and evaluate what you REALLY want out of life and how you are getting that. Alot of people that have it all and then some feel unhappy and their happiness comes when they give back. Consider volunteering!

I think you're pushing yourself too hard and have set impossibly high standards for people around you. Ultimately, when these people fail to meet your expectations, such as the women you go on a date with, you just get frustrated then angry. Angry at them then probably angry at yourself for trying to establish a relationship with these people. You have a type A personality, from what I can read in your post, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just learn to go with the flow sometimes.

hmm, it's been a full month since that person posted here and still no reply from them. I hope that they are reading the responses here. Thanks for posting everyone. If you all could, try to focus on the unanswered threads too. I try my best as an administrator here to get every thread answered, but it's a huge effort. Thanks everyone - Peace.

Kevin