Did I...

Okay. I am still struggling with some of my problems, such as self-esteem. I've come to grips with the fact I am very insecure about certain things and because of these insecurities, I feel less and less interested in my dreams.

I dream to become a comic book writer for one. People have said I'm good, but the thing that holds me back is myself and my fear of looking stupid; grammatically and personally. I fear my story will suck, but to top that off I have this wracking paranoia that any and all mistakes I make in my paragraphs will land me a big laugh at my expense. My mother says that the mistakes I still make with commas aren't nearly as bad as they used to be, and she has said more than once that I am damn smart. This helps me, but my mixture of egotism, hyper-sensitivity to criticism, insecurities, low self-esteem and frustration with failure makes for a terrible cocktail of disaster. To put it simply, if people criticize my work I can get overly frustrated. If I had to work hard at what it was, I tend get very mad.


This has happened before, many times in fact. You see, if I do something wrong and someone makes a small remark or joke, I shrug it off no sweat. If I've been picked on by someone or have had my intelligence or physical stature criticized, I will react poorly to everything else that comes my way. My anger seethes and my blood boils. I feel a mixture of self-hate (at my failure or screw-up) and rage/distaste for the person that pointed it out. Then it all falls apart from there if the day goes by poorly. Just now I knocked over an empty cup; Picked it up and slammed it down on the desk where it won't be hit again.


This is more obvious, however, on the internet where the rules of reality don't apply anywhere near as much as they do offline. Examples aplenty with practically any argument I've ever gotten into. Even if I'm completely right and the person I'm debating with is a complete idiot, and even if everyone around me on the same thread/board agrees with me and makes fun of the other person, I hate this person. I also feel that even though I'm clearly right, I still have this extreme feeling that I'm completely wrong and I'm an idiot. I can't tell you all how many times my opinion on an argument has swayed from feeling utterly unbeatable to utterly defeated. From completely right to totally in the wrong.


And it hurts more when my intelligence is insulted, because them all of my ugly sides come out; Anger and hate for the person, self-pity and a feeling of hatred at my own stupidity, even if it's unfounded. The list goes on really. It all ends with one thing though; Anger. Extreme anger at times too. I do fairly good at holding it in, but if I've had a steady stream of bad days or just bad moments in a day itself... Heh... Stand back, the volcano is about to blow!

The reasons I made this thread are to talk about this and to ask you all, in a non-hostile manner, to read this thread and see if I was mistreated. Or rather, did I let my anger get the best of me? I am "Joker" in those posts, everyone else in that thread I do not know.

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/sho ... p?t=141396

Der Serienmörder wrote:The reasons I made this thread are to talk about this and to ask you all, in a non-hostile manner, to read this thread and see if I was mistreated. Or rather, did I let my anger get the best of me? I am "Joker" in those posts, everyone else in that thread I do not know.

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/sho ... p?t=141396

Yes. And yes.

So you're saying I was mistreated AND got carried away? Huh. What would you have suggested for both sides?

Der Serienmörder wrote:So you're saying I was mistreated AND got carried away? Huh. What would you have suggested for both sides?

What do you think I would have suggested if I were in that thread? Do you think I would have played "follow the leader"? Or do you think I would have stood alone and told everyone to STFU?

I don't know what you'd do, because I don't know you well. Now was that a trick question? I didn't quite get what you were trying to imply with that message.

Not a trick question. You felt everyone was playing "follow the leader" and attacking you. No? If I was there, I would have told everyone to STFU; in a nice way of course.

In my eyes, their confront responses were just making you more angry/resistant. And common sense dictates that resistance fosters no change. So what's the point of them making you more angry? There is no point; so STFU everyone.

It's fine if they didn't like your attitude. But I would expect better from them. After all, they're experts at the written word. I would expect them to know a little about the spoken word and how to deal with people a little better.

Regardless of your behavior that started it, attacking you isn't the best way to handle it.

Thank you for that much. Yes, I was a royal idiot how I handled that and talked to a good friend about it afterwards. He agreed that I did wrong, but told me I'm learning how to handle these emotional and mental problems. After I analyzed what I messed up on, I could see at least 2+ things I could have done differently or re-worded to better the situation. I wouldn't be having to wait 70+ hours if I hadn't gotten carried away. -_-

Thankfully I don't use/need that site all that much, because my writing has improved a lot since the old days, not to mention I have a few good friends to consult from time to time. My mother is also a good one, so I'm hardly out of options. I think in total I have about 14 or so posts out of the many months I've been a member. Heh. Not a big loss. A big loss would be this place, my own board, or practically any other place.

After re-reading the thread as my normal, kind self, I see what an ass-hat I was. It's kind of scary that I can almost become a different person when this happens, but things are back in control now. All I can do is take all the lessons I learned from this debacle and move on with life.