Good Morning

Good morning,

MY name is Steven and I would like to tell you a little about my history in hopes of ridding myself of this horrid curse that has been brought upon myself.

Not sure when all of this started happening, I just woke up one day (far as I know) angry at the world and took it out on everyone and everything. As I grew, my anger worsened. I never physically hit anyone, but countless items have met the wall at my hands.

Fast forward to eight years ago. I met my wife and things went from bad to worse. Apparently she fed on my anger, supported it and matured it to the point that we fought almost on a daily schedule. It was exhausting to say the least. This went on for the past 7 years, until I met my current girlfriend. Once I told my (soon to be) ex-wife that I was leaving, lets just say that pills were involved on her part. Thankfully she survived all of that and gave up trying to keep that hold on me.

I moved out of the house with her to live with my now fiancé last October and the stress of the past 8 years is still within me.

A little about my current love for all of you to know what kind of woman she is. I have never met a more kinder, gentler woman in my life. She has given me zero reasons to be afraid, zero reasons to be angry and have given me two lovely children (from a previous marriage) to raise as my own. She is the most beautiful woman I have even laid my eyes upon and I feel safe with her. sounds like the perfect situation right? Wrong.

The anger still remains and I have a snap anger. That is what I call it. Basically, when something does not go right with either her or the kids, I snap to anger. It is instinctive from the past 8 years of doing it and I just yell and spit vile from my mouth at her and sometimes the kids. I am ashamed to say these things because of the woman she is, she has given me NO reason to do this, but I do when something goes astray from the normal.

I am on my last rope with her, I am about to loose her forever because she asked her daughter, “if Daddy Steve” (that is what she calls me), “leaves, would you be upset”. A prelude to her kicking my butt to the curb. I was stunned (not surprised thought) and I could not seem to catch my breath. She was at that point of not loving me and waiting me forever, but contemplating on letting me go. I had drove her to this point.

I have never laid a hand on her, but what I did verbally was far worse. I want my anger to stop, I want to be calm, in control, a rock for her and the kids. When I am not angry, this is what I am. I am calm, I handle situations like a professional, but there is no stability in it because the anger still lies beneath the surface, waiting to pounce at the slightest change in the “normal”

I come to here to beg for help. I currently am seeking employment (hence another stress added), and have no insurance to professionally seek help for this.

Thank you for your time

I wish there was something i could do for you JDtigg, I feel bad for your situation. Its very simmular to my brothers. He had the same kind of anger, It went from 0 to 10,000 in a second, And he got so pumped full of adrenaline he'd forget whole chunks of his rages, Like he blacked out.

I feel therapy is a vital additive to an anger management course. But i know it just isnt as simple as that for you. I'm sure there are people here who will have more insight or advice or perhaps be able to aid you. If i can help in any way let me know. Even if its just hearing from the perspective of a female who's been verbally and emotionally abused.

Hello jdtigg,

If you want to be calm, then yes you had said right, you should get control over your anger. You know situation is not trying to make you angered, you get angered. Because you everything at perfect place, dude that's not possible in our life. May be sometimes there will be difficult or awkward situation. You need to understand them. You need to identify them and try to stop anger.

You had realized how much danger you anger is! You can lose your wife. At last i will say you again, To control your anger it depends in your hand, means you must stop it. Try to recognize what is actual of it and then stop it.

Ok.

Hi JD,

Is there a pattern for your anger triggers? What flashes through your mind in the split-second before you snap?

It might help to write down these triggers, to see if there is a larger issue than just habit from your last relationship.

My mother used to call me "Katie Kaboom." I'd fly off the handle the minute I thought someone was talking down to me, seeing me as a target, or thinking of me as weak. I've hit walls, electronic equipment, and once broke the window of my own car.

Is it possible that (in your mind) you're still fighting with your ex-wife? Do you still feel that you need to defend yourself against her? Is yelling the only way you know how? Might your fiance's kindness subconsciously come across as weakness to you, and you're trying to "toughen her up?"

What helped me is, like I said, being mindful of my triggers. There were bigger issues, too: self-esteem, social anxiety, frustration. I, too, have met a very kind person whom I have mistreated before I got control of my anger. Fortunately, he is now back in my life. Another thing that helped is, as soon as I felt that adrenaline rush, I would tell myself: STOP. Then I would walk away. I would run up and down the stairs a few times, or walk, or exercise in any way. This helped get the adrenaline out of my system, and it was also good for my health.

Have you tried getting free/reduced-cost care through a social service? There has to be a city or county health department somewhere near you. They may be able to refer you to a support group. Also, try Googling [your city] Anger Management to see if you can find one. It may take a few phone calls, but there must be something.

We're sort of a support group, too, so feel free to post. Let me know if anything else comes to mind.

The better way to control your anger is meditation.It will help you to overcome your anger.Every morning do meditation for one hour.