grr...

ok so there's this lady who was at my church and about a year ago she was doing the 12 step programme with me to help me stop SI. she was a former SI herself and did drugs and alcohol but she had been clean for like 5 years. So we really understood each other!

we used to meet like twice a week for two hours and she made me really open up to her and do some things and say some things that i didn't actually want to do, but she'd be like, if you don't do this, you can't move onto the next step. it wasn't like hectic things but just things that i wasn't comfortable doing yet and i realise she kind of emotionally black mailed me into it.

anyways, that's not the point...

one day she just...dissapeared. She didn't come to church or youth and she was ignoring my phone calls and worried messages. so i asked the pastor where she was and he said she'd had a relapse and was in rehab. she then smsed me saying she was at a work camp. i didn't say i knew where she really had been but whatever.

so every month i'd send her an sms telling her i hope she's well etc. nothing too serious and she NEVER replied. then the other day i was frank, and said look i know you relapsed and i'm just hoping you're better now. she finally replies.

denying it. saying i'm lieing and getting "worked up" over nothing etc. etc. i don't mind her denying it but now she wants to see me again to "catch up"

if she wasn't in rehab then i'm even more angry because what could she have been doing for like a year that she didn't even bother to reply to any of my worried messages and didn't even bother to see how i'm doing when she knew she'd left me in a bad way! and NOW suddenly she wants to know how i am.

she never phoned or even sent a message saying, i'm ok stop worrying that i'm dead or something and just please stop sending me messages. she's acting now like nothing ever happened!

i'm supposed to meet up with her tomorrow but i'm not sure if i can. she hurt me so much when she left that if i see her again i know i'm just going to be angry with her and end up shouting. so i have no idea what to do!

I think that you need to be assertive with this woman. Also, you needn't make yourself vulnerable to her. Write out ahead of time what you want to say to her. You can set the boundaries in this relationship. You can set the time you spend or don't spend with her. It's your choice. Be nice and respectful but, keep your personal issues - personal. She obviously can't mentor you since she has her own struggles and issues and doesn't want to be honest with you.
If she can't tell you what happened truthfully with her relapse - you can't force her to. Let her tell you in her own time. I know you are angry because you were honest with her but, be cautious now. Maybe you are really angry at yourself because you trusted her and she has let you down? Be careful who you trust. Anyone who is trustworthy should prove their character over time.
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HIii

See in your case i think she got the clue that you had caught her. May be she is trying hide it. It happens when a person caught up by others, they tend to do this. I think you are saying right, now you are emotionally attached with her. You should tell her. Just keep no expectation of response from her. This will help you and also you can say that it is selfless thinking.

Personally i would like to say you that if she is not responding then it means she is rude. Now, you should stop messaging her, let her realize something. Try to forget whatever she had done with you.

God bless you! Don't worry we are here for you anyways.

Thnks

This is a situation in which I would focus on how I truly felt about:

1. Meeting her. If it doesn't "feel" as though it would be a
positive experience, you can take a rain-check and evaluate
how you feel about a meeting later. Do nothing until you
feel totally clear about what's best for you.

2. Revealing anything of a personal nature that would make
you feel as though you lost your power to her. Remember,
"Knowledge is Power."

3. Without honesty, you have no real friendship, at least
like those in the Program. Her inability to admit the
truth create a burden on you if you pretend that all is
OK.

4. You can always be "friendly acquaintances." Restrict your
contact to meetings, where you can still express kindness
and love, but avoid intimate revelations.

Just my thoughts on the subject.

caroline

thanks guys!

so anyways...i saw her on saturday.

we met at a milkshake shop thing and i got juice and she got coffee. we had like half an hour of mindless small talk (how's school? you still a vegetarian? what subjects do you take?)

eventually i was like ok, let's get over the small talk?

i asked her about this "work camp" she went on. it sounded like rehab the way she spoke about it. she said it was sudden and unexpected (which was why she couldn't tell me she had to go) and there was a lot of teamwork and it was gruelling. it also lasted like 2 months. what kind of work camp lasts two months and doesn't warn you in advance that you have to go?!?!

so she said she went and spoke to the pastor who told me that she'd had a relapse and she said he told her he didn't say anything to me.

so i was like, well, that doesn't sound like mark (let's call him that for now)

so she was like, yeah well mark wouldn't have told you because that doesn't sound like him either.

so i was like, so you believe him? and think that I'M lieing? and she said yes.

so i told her i was hurt that she ignored all my messages to her and basically told me to stop messaging her. she had nothing to say to that.

then she said, well let's start over. she must've seen the look i gave her, because she added, if you want to.

then she told me the ball was in MY court now and i can do what i want with it.

i wanted to ask her why she didn't bother to ask how i was all those months until now but i could feel i was going to start crying soon so i stood up, payed at the counter and said, i might see you tomorrow at church. then i walked away, ran into a nearby shop and collapsed on the floor in tears.

one good thing that did come out of it is that i phoned my mom. i NEVER do that if i feel sad. i told her about it and she made me feel better. i didn't realise til after that if it'd happened a few months ago i would've run to a bathroom and torn my arms apart with blades and then never told anyone about it

so i'm proud that i managed to call a few friends and my mom and they helped me

so it didn't go exactly what you'd call well. But at least i didn't break down in front of her

well i saw her at church on thursday and she just stood there across the courtyard from me, looking at me so i quickly got into a conversation with someone else, making myself look overly cheerful...

then i saw her again last night at church. Luckily i was on the phone at the time and then the person i was talking to said goodbye and put the phone down, but i could see this lady coming towards me, so i pretended like i was still talking on the phone (which is a really weird thing to do!) and as she walked past she like squeezed my shoulder, but i just like ignored her and now i feel bad because i didn't even acknowledge that she was there.

i hate it how i always feel bad for being mean to other people. when i'm actually hardly being mean at all.