Silently Angry

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*mod edit- advertising removed*

As the wife of the man who can completely relate to you... *****
But it really hurts to be on the receiving end of the silence.

His childhood family is a good family: strong morals, logical morals, intelligent & educated. The women (mother, sister, grandmother, and beyond) have this weird quirk though... and the men (father, grandfather, brother-in-law, him) don't seem to be able to stand up to it. Yes, it is a gender thing, or mostly - sometimes bleeds into just their perception of inferior persons.

You see, these women use guilt, anger, irrational and unpredictable moods, berating, criticism, and ridicule to gain control over the men close to them and those around them, those that allow it whether they realize it or not. Through this constant attack on the self worth and value of the person, these women manage to literally beat them down until they are silent and compliant. But the men fight back, they just do it silently.

The ridicule destroys life. It destroys love.
The resulting silence and cold-shoulder destroys life. It destroys love.

It's not his fault he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings, because he was never taught or even allowed to feel them. Nor is it his fault he experiences life as he does because he is constantly having to battle the inner battles and expected ridicule that will come, and from those he is supposed to trust most.

It's my job to be patient, gentle, watch my tongue, let go of the little stuff instead of making comments about it, and sit on his ass when he either doesn't even know he's been offended (by me or others) or doesn't know how to handle how he feels, until he faces it.

In our marriage, in our home, we are striving to provide a safe and protected environment that fosters his ability to learn, to discover, to explore, and to ultimately overcome his anger and the feelings that surround it. He's afraid of feeling, and afraid of how he will respond to feeling those feelings, how those responses will be received, and what next he will do wrong.

But he doesn't do everything wrong (only the silently angry understand this phrase as I intend it to be taken), and he can concentrate when he's not afraid of retracing every step to prevent ridicule. He's very kind, very giving, and much better with people than I am.

He's a man that was/is not respected as a boy or as a man by his mother, was not appreciated as a child for the value of being a child, and was emotionally neglected and stifled. It's a generational issue. But he is strong. And he is loved and appreciated. And he has decided, as have I, that this stops with him. His baby girl, his wife and he will share their life together in emotional safety and harmony.

He is intelligent.
He is amazingly talented.
He is brave.

He is slowly becoming... unsilent

Anger is often based on the perception of threat, and it is a frequent emotional component in the fight or flight response, which is part of the broader stress response.
Anger may be seem "provoked" (or triggered) by perceived threats, like conflict, or by abstract concepts such as injustice, humiliation and betrayal among others.
Anger is an active and passive emotion. When "active" an angry person can "lash out" verbally or physically at an intended target whether justified or not. When "passive" anger is often demonstrated in silence, sulking, passive-aggressive behavior (hostility) and tension.

That is really hard to manage...but I salute your husband for taking in all those ridicule in a "silent" manner, most men often burst with anger when they have had enough but still yours choose to be silent. I'm not sure if that attitude he has is a very normal reaction but I'm very much happy for you to have someone like that. Continue on understanding him, it might be through that that he's slowly coming out of his shell. I wish you well!