Feel like I'm at the breaking point

Hi everybody. It's been well over a year since I was last here but I'm starting to get upset again. I have bipolar disorder, an anxiety disorder and PTSD. I used to avoid or negiotiate my way through conflicts but two years ago I spent the worst four weeks of my life in and out of the hospital and planning a lawsuit against my current college for harrassment and discrimination because of the bipolar (I got talked out of it). Since then my family and my boyfriend have said that I've been relentlessly cruel, rude, vicious, sarcastic, insulting and angry to the point that I'm breaking stuff and threatened to throw my mother down the stairs and attacked my younger brother. Ordinarily my boyfriend and I have never said a mean thing to each other, but three weeks ago we got into an arguement and I let him have it, telling him exactly how angry I was with him to the point that I made him cry (and amazingly we sorted things out and are still together). The sick thing was that I was so happy that I was able to make him cry, and only lately have I been starting to feel guilty about it--at the time I just felt distant.

I'm on several medications now and am seeing three therapists, and I don't have these episodes of rage every day. The days or situations that I get angry and can't find a release it (constructively or otherwise) I go into a panic attack and usually hide in the bathroom or run back to my room and just cry, sometimes hysterically. For example, I've been writing a novel for almost 10 years and have been trying to get other stories published in the meantime, but naturally it's not that easy. Today in my English seminar another girl announced that she was having a book of her poetry published, and I immediately flew into a panic attack, because all I wanted to do was scream that it wasn't fair (even at the same time I reminded myself that it probably took a long time for her to get published too). I had to get up and go to the bathroom to catch my breath and cry. The dean of student affairs (a friend of mine) found me there and called campus police. They were very nice, but I was ashamed of myself for getting so upset over something that doesn't really matter to me at all. My school went co-ed a year 1/2 ago and I've hated every freaking moment of it. Two weeks ago I found out that two boys would be graduating with me class, the first men ever to graduate from Regis, and as soon as I got back to my room I went into a sobbing fit. I wanted to find those boys and make them suffer somehow, make them feel as humiliated as I did, but of course I didn't. I didn't know who they were and furthermore, what was I going to do?

Because the hospital stay held me back a semester, I'm supposed to be graduating this December, but all of a sudden I do not understand a damn thing that I'm supposed to be know. I've taken almost four years of psychology as part of my major, and all of a sudden nothing makes sense, and I've fallen behind enough to make me panic but I've been stepping up the studying. My internship is going the best out of all of them, but what's really killing me is this damned Jane Austen seminar. It's bizarre, because I can read Shakespeare with no trouble at all, but reading the Austen books makes me feel like I might as well be reading cuniform. I've talked to my professor several times and I start crying every time we do. I feel like I'm never going to graduate and that makes me really angry with myself. I feel almost certain that if I don't graduate in Dec. then I'm going to drop out. It's not worth it anymore: I'll have to make up only one class but it'll be expensive, the college is 45 minutes away from home, and I don't even have a car, and you need to be a full time student in order to live there.

There are a million other things that make me feel like I'm going to start screaming and throwing things, but it's so tiring to talk about at the moment that I'll just leave it alone for now. I don't feel suicidal, I only want to scream or cry. I don't have close friends because I'm a private person and it takes me a very long time to trust someone. I love my boyfriend, but we've been having a hard time since this past January (long story), and the people I do like to be around are at least 30 minutes away and I have no way of getting to them. I take karate but I'm so angry that college has held me back, because I rank sixth out of ten and my two friends who started with me are now seventh and eighth, and there's a fifteen year old girl in my class who's a belt away from reaching sixth, and I want to throttle her. It's been hard to learn or remember the techniques because I can't be there and they're so difficult to practice without an instructor. I used to love working out, but since the boys are here I have to really look for a time to go, so I don't feel afraid and I can actually get a crack at the damned weights and machines.

Like I said, there's more, but that can wait. A lot of this is just stupid daily stuff, so why am I so constantly angry? I can't even sleep because I'm constantly having nightmares and I'm actually starting to sleepwalk, which is something totally new to me. I don't feel depressed, I just feel angry all the time.

Kes,

'breaking point' sounds like a the correct term to use when describing your situation. I know what it's like though, necause I've been there so many times. Even when I know that 'breaking' would be bad, however, I still do it and let my anger rip into someone (or myself). Regarding falling behind in your studies, why don't you talk to your head lecturer to see what they say about it?

Don't let yourself fall apart. You've got a lot to contend with but please try to maintain control in the most important of things. Whatever they may be is for you to decide. You can always just 'wean' the less important things out of your life and forget about them. People, in general, seem to have a habit of hanging onto things that only stress them out.

Kevin

Hi Kevin, and thanks for the reply. I actually have spoken to my professor and the dean of academics, and even though they've been helpful, I still feel like I can't handle it. My two psych classes are fine now b/c I'm catching up and passing in my big projects early (as near as I can tell I have between a C or a B- in each) and my internship is fine, but this stupid Jane Austen course is killing me. If I don't get a passing grade in it then I can't graduate in December, and the thought of staying here for even one more semester makes me cry (like I'm doing now). It doesn't seem to matter if I read/reread all the books and do all the essays and projects because I just don't understand what the hell I'm reading!!!!! It makes me sick because I can read Shakespeare with no problem but Jane Austen literally makes me feel like quitting school, despite the fact that I'm so close to graduating. If you'll excuse my language, I just can't give a $#%^ anymore. I absolutely hate these books, but it's a required seminar and I don't have any other choice, especially this late in the game. Normally I like the dean Peggy, but she talked with my prof and said that I'm not doing well. How is this news? Why have I been seeing her every Monday for about four weeks talking about this stuff? I had explained to her before that the psych classes had taken a priority at the moment because it was much easier to catch up in those classes. But these ######6 books make me want to cut myself (haven't done that in 2 years), and when I talked to Peggy I felt like I was under attack. My first inclination was to stop crying and start screaming and breaking things and hurting her because I felt betrayed, and I think she saw it in my face because she stopped smiling. I couldn't move or say anything because I was just so mad. I felt like I've been lied to and that hurts because I love her like she was an aunt, and I felt like she was accusing me of lying too, even when I sincerely didn't know what the hell she was talking about. She offered me candy and I almost bit her head off, I had to run back to my dorm because I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I realize that ever since I was in the hospital two years ago and somebody saw me crying they'd call the deans, the nurse and the police, no word of a lie.

At this point I think I'm just going to #######4 my way through the course. They're letting me read the books I missed and write make-up papers on them and I have two presentations to give, and at this point they're letting me watch the movies too (I'll have to go to Blockbuster next weekend because I don't have a car and depend on my boyfriend, and now after buying $70 worth of groceries I'm completely broke). I try to read the books while I'm listening to audiotapes, but I usually have to go back and rewind the tape and read the book because something just does not make sense, and I'm not allowed to use Cliffnotes (how are they supposed to know?). I HATE THIS ######6 CLASS and it's making me want to hurt myself (cutting, not suicide. I almost cut myself after I talked to Peggy.) I kept asking her what the mininum grade requirement was to finish that class and Peggy wouldn't tell me because she said she didn't want me aiming for that grade when I could do better. I don't understand why she would think that of me! I don't want to pass in an A+ paper only to find out that my overall grade's a D. If they want a C, I can give them a C, I just need help! There aren't any tutors for Jane Austen, and I'm reluctant to ask several girls I know in the class because last year I was a teaching assistant on certain days to help out this same prof, and the girls weren't particularly happy about it, and one of them followed me into my building and stood in my doorway and bitched me out until I had to finally shove her out and slam the door on her face. We haven't spoken since then so I'm hesitant to do it now.

I have to get out of this ######6 place--my boyfriend, my friends and family all say the same thing, that I got ripped off, I was promised a top notch school, I was dying to get into this place, but they've canceled so many of the classes I wanted/needed, it WAS a single sex liberal arts school but now it's a co-ed medical/mathematics school and where my campus therapist admitted that the vice president and several of the deans here were constantly checking in with her and other professors and dorm managers to see what I was doing after I was hospitalized for panic attacks and a violent manic swing. I didn't take it seriously until the VP asked me to sign a release form to see my medical records. So why am I having such a hard time when I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS #######4?!?!

I think I better stop because my sinsuses are starting to hurt from all the crying. I wish I could pay somebody else to do the reading and just provide me with the info I need to write the papers and give the presentation. I ######6 hate myself right now, I really do, and I haven't felt like this in over a year. It pisses me off because I could have a good day and then this comes up and I want to berserk but I can't. I can't scream because they'll call the police, and I've already been warned that if I wind up in the hospital again the president isn't going to let me on campus again because I'm a "safety concern and a liability" (their actual words, not mine.)
It's so hard to get angry and really let it go without getting in trouble! I hate the ######6 books, I'll go as far AS GOING TO ENGLAND, I SWEAR ON MY LIFE if that means getting me to pass.

Hi,

I was stuck in a course that I despised 4 years ago too, so, I know what you're feeling. I certainly wouldn't wiosh those feelings on anyone because they are so - ummm - claustrophobic in nature. know what I mean? Anyway, you should try to express or share your anger with someone in your course who you feel is also a bit pissed off about the course. Humans get on better with each other when they have something in common. If you can manage to do this, then the two of you can try to help each other just make it past the 'finishing post', if you get my drift.

Kevin

Hi Kevin, and thanks for the input. I know what you mean about finding somebody in the class to talk to beause I've considered it, but I keep balking at the idea: I'm not exactly a people-person because of all the crap I've been through and takes me a while to trust anybody for any reason. It's yet another subject for therapy, but I do have projects coming up with two different girls, so maybe I could talk to them. Like I said before, I'm a little leery of a small clutch of girls in my class following the fracas last year, but I'm working on it.

Hi,

Talking to the two girls in your project groups would be a good idea. You may find them opening-up about their concerns and frustrations too - that's what 'normal' people do. Anyway, you do not need to be a peoples' person at all to get through something like this. I have not gone out (i.e. - to a party, pub, etc) for many years now but it doesn't truly bother me because I know my own likes and dislikes. However, I have learned that maintaining relationships with a select few [good] people is a good idea. These people should know who you fundamentally are and should accept you for it. I have some people like this, but I had to talk to them in the first place and let them know me. I still have to make sure to remain in touch with them just to keep the relationship maintained.

Kevin

Hi again. I completely understand what you mean. I just have summon up the courage and fight back the inevitable fury over the books. And I agree with you about not going out much--there are only a few places that like to go to, and everything else really doesn't hold my interest. I do have a group of friends I talk to and hang out with. I was a little exasperated that they didn't actually know who Jane Austen was, but they at least listened. This whole damned thing about the seminar and just being emotionally worn down anyways, so I'll have to watch myself if I can actually organize a group.

You will get through it kes. Picture yourself as a locomotive steaming down the tracks and nothing can stop you - Choo choo choo! Don't worry, I'm not crazy. I actually use this locomotive imagery whenever I need to get some rapid determination into my brain. I mostly use it when climbing up a difficult mountain or something.

Thank you! Any advice is appreciated!

I personally faced these types of issues and believe me at that point I seriously think for something really serious...Thanks for these wonderful advices as it will help me too.