I crave conflict

I finally figured something out the other day, I crave conflict. I will always take on arguments just for the sake of having an argument with someone. I am not sure why I do it, quite possibly its the attention, but it is not doing me (or anyone around me) any good.

The last 2 long term relationships I have had ended quite badly, but were also full of arguments. I knew that I had to end them long before they did, but I just couldn't. The most recent one just finished a couple of months ago and we are still sorting out some financial issues, etc. Part of me is looking forward to have it all sorted and out of my life, but the other part of me doesn't want this to happen, because when he and I fight over this stuff, for some strange reason it makes me happy in a weird sort of way. I get upset just thinking about everything being over, not because I am upset that the relationship has ended, but because the conflict has.

Its not just relationships, I look for conflict in a lot of things I do, talking to customer service people over the phone, etc.

None of my conflicts have ever ended in physical violence, and I am not wanting them to, nor am I worried that they will.

I am really looking to see if anyone has any ideas at all on how I can change these feelings or even to manage this.

Thanks.

Hey,

I know what you are talking about (because I am somewhat the same) and I think it might be due to how you grew up. I mean, did you have a happy childhood? If you didn't, then your craving for conflict might be due to the fact that you grew up around conflict, arguments, and anger.

My childhood was 95% lived as an unhappy child, fearful of the world for numerous reasons. So, the adult that I have now become feels somewhat comfortable around conflict and 'chaos'.

Kevin

meee tooo!

i create conflict in super sneaky passive aggressive ways I dont even notice. Things I will apologize for later.
Its like I want people to get mad at me, then I apologize and they accept me.
I am always late. I forget to return stuff. Forget to get back to people. Go off on my own leaving people wondering.
At work its at its worst. I dont know how I made it this far. I am always late with work and say I will get stuff done and dont do it.

Its all to do with my great parents ofcourse. I am so used to my mom being mad at me that I cant let it go. The monster they created wants to fight them, and fight them. But it has to be sneaky or they will crush me. Or maybe its the bits of acceptance I got from my mom. At least she accepted me being late, when she didnt accept me. Hmm.. Maybe I am looking for that proof of love, not the fight. I want people to chase me down with things and this way I know they like me. Otherwise what proof do I have. My mommy never hugged me. Bleh. bleh. bleh. She sucked like that.
At least she cared I didnt stay out past midnight at 11 years old.

i guess its either the scraps of acceptance from my mother i am after or my little ways of hurting her back. its both maybe.

i want it to be so over and outta my life. i want to be called resposible. i want it to just go away from me. i dont want it anymre

kath08 wrote:i want it to be so over and outta my life. i want to be called resposible. i want it to just go away from me. i dont want it anymre

Well, considering that you realise that you want it over and 'outta your life', why not embark now on a tangent in your life where you CAN actually get rid of it. Now's the time to make changes.

Of all the things you mentioned in your post, I have to say that your 'lateness' is something that I think you should work on. People really don't like others who are late. I'm just trying to warn you, I guess, because when you get a job in the future, they won't accept you being late. Plus, I'm sure that you'd rather be early for buses, trains, partners, etc.!

Kevin

I totally agree with the lateness thing. I have a serious issue with it. I self sabotage all the time with it. When you say people dont like it, i kinda get it, but not really. I dont feel it.

And its hard for me to get the concept of lateness when in my family the only time was their time. My mothers mantra is we will get there when we get there. I never heard anyone in my family organizing time or being worried about being late. I so repeat this behaviour but I worry about it. I worry, feel awful and still do it. Its so crazy, it makes no sense.
I am trying real hard to get to the bottom of this conflict creating self sabotage. Grrrrrrrrr its fricken hard. So many layers of brainwashing

I think I always want to be in trouble. Because when I am in trouble its the only time my parents paid attention to me. So I create this trouble scheme. I set up my entire life from that perspective. To create conflict and be in trouble.
Also my boundries are weak and I dont say no when I should which also gets me into trouble. I overpromise and than get afraid to call people to tell them this.

I act like I dont care, but I care. But then I dont.

When I make arrangements with people its like I am not really there. I dont feel like its me. I feel like its about them. I so rarely truly do what I want to do. I am just getting to the point of finding out who I am and what I like. I have been living in a haze of what my mom likes and fighting it, and repeating that with others, being the super pleaser while hating it. .
Its like I have to recenter my perspective on what I truly want. When I find all of myself I will truly do what my self wants and than I will stop sabotaging myself.
BTW how do I do that? HA!

You're beginning to sound more and more like me now, minus the lateness thing! I suppose I can forgive you for being late, but make sure that you only do it where it is accepted. I mean, some employers will seriously sack your ass if you are repeatedly late.

Are you stressed? With all of your 'do I's' and 'don't I's', you sound like someone who can never make up a decision about anything. Plus, the fact that you don't know how to say 'no' would probably mean that you take too much on-board and end-up getting stressed. For the record, that's exactly what I do.

Self-sabotage is also something I do. I guess I 'enjoy' it when I get sympathy from people for, like, getting cut or have problems with my gut (chronic condition). So, in a way, I don't want to be healed of anything, as I enjoy the attention I get. Is this you too?

Kevin

Yes. I am very indecisive. I have a hard time feeling what I really want. Again goes back to me not feeling like I own my time.

I have been fighting this, the lateness, being moody, and all other passive agressive misdirected anger stuff all my life. I dont feel like fighting it anymore. Have to solve it. I feel like I have to unravel some knot in me.

I have to truly know what I am happy with. Than these things will fall away.

I am super healthy. Other than couple huge issues of self injury, being somewhat bulimic sometimes and smoking. All this crap is the unexpressed feelings of hurt, anger and sadness. I am happy though I am setting new all time records with all of these. Big thanks to this board.

Since you’re speaking on lateness and self-sabotage…
I too have a major problem w/ lateness that’s like pathological.

Kath I do all the same stuff you do.

I’ve long known it’s extreme & out of control. I dunno if it makes you unlikable (maybe in a professional sense) but it sure keeps people from respecting you. Then I too try to make up for it in other ways.

I know it has to do with many different things:

A. I know I over schedule, I just try to fit too much in a certain period of time.
Mentally, I just don’t want to give anything up. Paradoxically I am driven by the fact that the eternal clock is ticking and I may not get to do something (or get another chance).

B. I don’t prepare my time, I may have my schedule/list but I don’t actually plan out how it’s all going to fit together. I don’t leave any time for slack, just in case something unravels or goes over. I guess I resent having to do that, I would have to become more “structured” and to me that sounds soo restrictive and not fitting with the image I have of myself. I do think some people are obsessive about schedules & time (and they need to relax) and I don’t want to be like that- but I just need to stop going so far the other way.

C. I think I may have ADD, not that this is an excuse, but I have to learn to work around the fact that I often “hyper focus” and it’s hard for me to transition from doing one thing into another- it’s very hard to break that concentration and desire to completely finish what I am doing at the time. In other terms it’s stubbornness, I feel like I have to keep on with whatever no matter what. This many times runs into the fact that I need to get going in order to be on time for whatever.

D. I know it really bothers some people, and I don’t want them to be personally offended or some I don’t want to get on their bad side. Like, I have had some who liked & respected me totally-till a situation came up having to do with my being on time. Then that suspiciousness and doubt enters in (like all a sudden you are a different person). I guess then they may realize you have a different side to you (at the best). Or, if they are the uptight type, it totally throws them for a loop and then you are shot in their minds, forget it- now you are classified as a wreck & worthless.
Yea, I guess this is self-sabotage because with some of those, before, I enjoyed their relationship when we were in the “Eden stage” (before my fall). I enjoyed the trust.

E. I often wait till the last minute to do certain things (even important ones). I’m not sure how much is bad or no planning or how much is I like/need the adrenaline rush to help move me along. I think I read somewhere this is also an ADD like thing. Like something happens in the brain chemicals where someone craves the urgent in order to get that “rush” or energy/focus. The “fight or flight rush”. Lot’s of cortisol being released (along w/ other chemicals & hormones being shaken up). For all those who’ve wished on me that I’d suffer because of all my lateness, actually I may have - physically. In these last minute challenges along with the rush is included a bit of mental challenge for me- am I gonna pull it off this time? Like Ha, I just got in there before the door closed or whatever- like I did it after all… unfortunately sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. When it does, I feel good, when it doesn’t- the opposite plus the shame.


So I too know I shouldn’t and I often feel guilty and ashamed (which often leads to greater things like avoidance and more self-sabotage). It bothers me, but I guess not truly enough- or else I would change. I think in this I need some good behavior modification techniques (and time management), to accept those ( they are cool, not just for uptight people) remember them, and then get into the habit of practicing them.

mg DT

I so do all of that and feel like that.
It sucks.
I want to change it so bad.

I'd like to plan things out and stick to them for once.
Be decisive.
Stop doing all the neglectful behaviours towards myslelf.