He smashes things up in anger

My boyfriend tends to be moody and depressive by nature. He is often irritable and has what I would describe as unprovoked anger attacks directed at me. He would never see them as unprovoked. In his eyes, I have made him angry by not responding to a comment or question in the time he allows. My view is that this 'ignoring' him which he constantly refers to as a source of his annoyance is a trumped up charge and all in his imagination. I am always totally unaware that I have done anything to hurt him. To me it seems like some kind of paranoia. I am very worried about the fact that is angry outbursts have led to him physically breaking things. Today, I was upset because he punched the door several times with his fist and has completely destroyed it. He has done this before but this is the worst destruction I have seen. I think he needs help but I'm not sure what to do next.

Hi, scarecrow! Welcome to the forum. You could try to talk to him and tell him he needs help. Ask him to look at the things he's done and ask if that is the way a healthy person would respond to anything. Maybe you could talk to members of his family and tell them that you need their support with this, if that is possible.
If you can't convince him to get help, don't blame yourself. He is responsible for his own life and actions.
If you feel like you're not safe with him and like he might hurt you, maybe you need to get away for a little while and figure out what to do.

Dear Scarecrow, your boyfriend is a batterer.
It may be due to his mental health issues such as depression, bipolar, paranoia, anxiety, etc. No matter what the underlying cause: There is no excuse for abuse!
The most important issue for you is your protection. You can't feel safe with him. He is a volcano on the verge of erupting. His behavior is that of a batterer.*mod edit- advertising removed*
You need to protect yourself because his violent behavior though not directed at you yet - will be directed towards you in the near future. Statistically, batterers' abusive behavior escalates.
Don't stay with him. Get out while you can.
How can you love and trust someone who is threatening your safety, health and peace?
Call the National Domestic Violence hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (safe).
Many women have been killed in situations like this. He needs help but, you should not tolerate this abuse any longer.

I understand that there is no excuse for his behaviour but I do love him and want to help him. Is that possible? I have been with him for 2 and a half years and he has never hit me in that time. Do you think this could still escalate into someting worse?

Statically - abuse escalates. This behavior is frightening. Call the Domestic Violence number for free counseling. Put your foot down. He needs help and should get counseling for his anger and control issues. *mod edit*
You should be prepared to leave if things escalate and call the police. Don't minimize his behavior - it's violent.

The guy is quick to condemn your boyfriend. Why does your boyfriend have such a bad temper? Probably is a reason for it in his past. I smash things up like this too but I'd never beat my girlfriend. The fact he smashes things doesn't on it's own mean he will hit you. I get huge surges of anger, when I feel it coming I'll usually walk away from whatever is causing it but before I've gone too far my fist will, without any real conscious thought behind it have gone flying through some inanimate object. But it's always an inanimate object. The only person who ever gets injured is me.

"Oh no the evil abuser he breaks things!" Well like I said there's probably a reason for it. Everyone has a story. If he never hurts you only objects that's not a reason to leave him.

Constantly saying you are ignoring him when you are not is a different matter though. That's pretty weird, what will you do when he starts thinking you are cheating on him with his best friend? Ask him when he calms down, "I'm sorry if I made you angry, I didn't mean to. Did it really seem like I was ignoring you?"

If he persists in that you ignored him, even more problems. Cause I will get angry about nonsensical things sometimes too, but when I have calmed down I am able to realise it was irrational and while I can't quite bring myself to say sorry, I will admit it didn't make sense for me to be angry.

So I'd say you should be worried about his paranoia more than smashing objects.

Easy for the anger guy to say "statistics say he will escalate", etc, he's not the human being who's relationship is getting destroyed. But if your bf can't tell the difference between reality and fiction (when not angry) then I would tend to agree with him. Otherwise, well, it's up to you. Like you say he never did hit you did he? Do you think he would though? Why don't you say "You scare me when you're like that. I'm frightened you might hurt me" (once he is calm obviously). See what he has to say for himself...

I disagree with the voice of reason. This behavior should not be tolerated or minimized. And you do need to assert and protect yourself from such threats.
This is not a safe relationship - it is an unhealthy, abusive, threatening relationship.
*mod edit- link removed*

Most relationships in the world would not meet up to a government leaflet on how people should behave. How many people ever drive over the speed limit? In real life people have rough edges and are not standard government issue boredom devices.

Breaking objects does not prove someone is dangerous. The accusing you of ignoring him when you are not is the more problematic issue.

I disagree with angercoach. You need to assess if your boyfriend truly is dangerous before making snap decisions and have been given two easy ways to do so.

It's your relationship, you choose

To Scarecrow and other women or men who are in threatening relationships: Scarecrow describes her partner as having unprovoked anger attacks directed at her and breaking things.
There is no excuse for any kind of abuse or threatening behavior in a relationship.

Read the following to determine if you are in an abusive relationship.

Maybe you have been wondering if you are abused. Maybe you have been living in fear. Fear from abuse in the past. Fear in a present relationship. We are offering some resources which can help you. But, first, you must determine if you are abused. Then, you can take steps to get help and work through it.
Take this inventory: “Am I in An Abusive Relationship?:

Symptoms of Abuse - Threats; Power Misuse; and Control......

What symptoms below fit your life?

Using Emotional Abuse:
Putting the other down ___
Making the other feel bad about themselves ___
Calling the other names ___
Making the other think they are crazy ___
Playing mind games ___
Humiliating the other ___
Making the other feel guilty ___
Using Privileges ___
Treating the other like a servant ___
Making all the big decisions ___
Acting like the master of the castle ___
Being the one who determines the roles ___

Using Economic Abuse:
Preventing the other from getting or keeping a job ___
Making the other ask for money ___
Giving the other an allowance ___
Taking the other's money ___
Not letting the other know about or have access to family income __

Using Coercion and Threats:
Making or carrying out threats to do something to hurt the other __
Threatening to leave the other, to commit suicide, report the other to welfare ___
Making the other drop charges ___
Making the other do illegal things ___

Using Intimidation:
Making the other afraid by using looks, gestures, or actions ___
Smashing things ___
Abusing pets ___
Displaying weapons ___

Using Children:
Making the other feel guilty about the children ___
Using the children to relay messages ___ family or friends? Yes___ No___
Using visitation to harass the other ___
Threatening to take the children away ___

Using Isolation:
Controlling what the other does, who they see, talk to, what's read, and where they go ___
Limiting their outside involvement ___
Using jealousy to justify actions ___
Minimizing, Denying, Blaming ___
Making light of the abuse and not taking the other's concerns about it seriously ___
Saying the abuse never happened ___
Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior ___
Saying the other caused it ___

HAS ANY OF THE FOLLOWING EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?
Does your partner:
Blame everyone else especially you, for his or her mistakes? Yes___ No___
Prevent you from seeing your family or friends? Yes___ No___
Curse you, say mean things, mock you or humiliate you? Yes___ No___
Force you to have sex or force you to engage in sex that makes you feel uncomfortable? Yes___ No___
Restrain, hit, punch, slap, or kick you? Yes___ No___ Intimidate or threaten you? Yes___ No___
Ever prevent you from leaving the house, getting a job, or continuing your education? Yes___ No___

**If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.

Please call your local police department at 911 (in most USA communities) or local Domestic Violence agency so they can assist you in obtaining warrants, orders of protection and counseling.

Domestic Violence Resources:
National Domestic Violence: 1-800-799-7233 (safe)
International Domestic Violence directory

Make a Safety Plan

Get support. The domestic violence agency may have a support group you can participate in.
A group like this can give you perspective on your situation,
hope for the future and help you learn skills to protect yourself.

OK, I don't think we are as far apart as angercoach thinks because I think his blaming of you is problematic too which I've said twice and given you a safe way to call him on it which is unlikely to generate a volatile response in someone who hasn't been violent to you before. He might realise he's wrong deep down and if you call him on it the right (non-threatening, not confrontational) way be prepared to change his behaviour.

But I will call angercoach on this:

Curse you, say mean things, mock you or humiliate you? Yes___ No___

**If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.

Please call your local police department at 911 (in most USA communities) or local Domestic Violence agency so they can assist you in obtaining warrants, orders of protection and counseling.



Which if you take it word for word says, if you ever called your boyfriend a jerk for being a jerk or he called you a bitch in the middle of a heated argument, you should both now be out calling the police.

I hope angercoach can see that you do in fact, need to use your head as well as a standard list to assess situations. Calling the police everytime someone mocks you in life isn't going to work unless you are very rich and powerful or have a very nice sheltered life. That doesn't mean you should keep that person around though if they do it more than you find comfortable.

But the rest of that list is actually a very good indicator and I compare everyone in my life or coming into my life against a mental checklist which contains all these points. I will add one other trick often used by people who use these tactics. They will be very nice to you at first and as they think you believe you need them more will start introducing more of these gradually over time. This both takes advantage of any loyalty you may have in your personality and introduces things slowly so you don't realise it's happening. Most "bullies" though cannot resist introducing at least one of those things within a very short period of time. Like a week, tops. It's a good idea to assess everyone in your life against these traits.

And like I said, I too will get angry for a nonsensical reason on occasion and more than one door has met it's demise at the end of my fist so I've got some sympathy for the guy. Would it bother you as much if he admitted he got angry for no reason and made it clear he wouldn't hurt you? Didn't seem to bother the people in my life as much after I did that. I told them to just leave me to it, I definitely won't hurt them and I will replace anything that gets broken when I've calmed down. So now they ignore me when I go off on one. And I do replace the things. I usually say something like "I know that I was over the top there and that it wasn't your fault, I was really already angry about <whatever the cause of frustration really was> and I just snapped. It was nothing to do with you." when I've calmed down too. And they seem happier about it.

So... that's why, if he doesn't match other things on that list I don't think you should completely right him off if he's prepared to admit he's making up the reason he's angry (as it would suggest he's not doing it to intimidate and control you).