Anger and Triggers

I have BPD and have been doing a lot of work on triggers in the last couple of weeks and the incident that happened this weekend has highlighted one of my triggers. The thing is I was shocked by how ANGRY I was. The actual incidents are trivial I understand, but I am so confused as to how to express my anger that they have got me in quite a state. It is 3am and I cant sleep thinking about them!

My sister-in-law, with whom I have a great relationship, wanted to have a baby shower. She is from Greek heritage so the Coombaro of her wedding is supposed to organise it, but the girl couldn't organise Granny on to the pot! No offence intended, she is a gorgeous creature and was so complimentary about the day. Anyway she asked ME to organise the shower for her. We sorted out the guest list well in advance and went shopping for items for the party together. I gave the theme "butterflies" to represent new life and she was fine with it. We picked out decorations etc and sat down and went through the menu.

My first clue should have been there but I IGNORED it. She wanted this and that and something else. I said no problems to her though. It was about 5 weeks later after I had sent out invitations (booklets scrapbooked individually for each guest 6 pages long). I did that because I love doing things like that.

Sorry - know I am rambling, but I am trying to get this clear in my mind.

Last weekend I phoned and she was obviously arguing with my brother because she covered the phone and was yelling at him but I could still hear her - she has been quite hormonal! lmao She told me she would phone me during the week to make arrangements for the shopping/cooking/decorating etc. She eventually phoned on Thursday night.

Here is where things get murky. That day I had found out that a very close friend had died the previous night of a heart attack. It was such a shock - especially since I had only spoken to him that afternoon, albeit briefly, when he rang to speak to my partner about stuff to do with our business. I was greiving and my sister-in-law was very comforting.

When Saturday came and it was time to do the shopping, instead of going to one shopping centre (or mall if you are from the States) we ended up going all over the place. One suburb for the chicken because it was the nicest tasting. Another for the Italian Deli because they had nicer salami etc. Then to the shops for other things. Instead of taking 1-2 hours it took OVER 5!!!

My mum and my Aunty came over to help with the cooking that afternoon as I just knew we would not get everything done. She had taken a very elegant and simple afternoon tea and turned it into a three course nightmare and I was unable to do anything about it. Because my partner and I live in a Unit we did not have the room for all the people at our house so we had it at my brother's. My Mum kept telling me there is nothing you can do about it because you are having it at her house and I just kept getting mad, but not showing it. Instead I came home and talked it through with my partner and got it off my chest so I was OK. As a form of self protection (and protest I suppose) I left my Mum and sister-in-law and Aunty in the kitchen and set up all the decorations and flowers etc.

I took off early to be with my partner who was so very sad at loosing one of her best friends. I finished off the stuff for the party on the Sunday morning and turned up at the house only to find that the decorations I had put up had been taken down. When I asked what had happened I was told they had "fallen" - which is very hard, if almost impossible to believe as I had put them up with special tape that won't damage wood work and trust me - there was heaps on it!. The decorations were simple and elegant. I had purchased baby wrapping paper and butterfly wrapping paper and cut out individual pieces from the paper, placed cardboard inbetween identical ones, glued them and strung them with little pegs and diaper pins and tiny toys to form a long piece that could be strung. IT TOOK ME BLOODY HOURS and I had only put up a few the day before and had more to put up that day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At this stage I was fuming and the tears had started to come. I picked up the ones from the table that they had claimed fell and threw them in the bin in front of her. She said nothing. Obviously she did not want them but had not told me. And before you go saying she might not have wanted to hurt my feelings - trust me she says exactly what she thinks. She just pulled them down and said what she said to stop an arguement. Well, in my BPD opinion.

At this stage I became a little bit of a smart ass. I kept asking her if this or that was OK and in the end she said "oh whatever you think" - I think she may have got the message. Why I couldn't have just come out and said how disappointed I was given that I had put so many hours into the decorations (and I am talking about 10 - 12 hours) I DONT KNOW. Instead I just was so angry and hurt I kept it inside, swallowed it you know and that made ME feel really bad.

I was trying so hard not to be angry but I AM ANGRY and I do not know how to get rid of it now. It is playing on me and I dont want it to blow out of proportion and I dont want to get to the stage where I cut or anything - which has been my modus operandi in the past. I just put up with people's crap and take it out on myself.

PLEASE HELP ME - I dont want to loose my friendship with her over something this trivial but I can feel the tension and resentment and anger building and building because I did not deal with it properly.

Thanks for listening.

xxxxx

I don't know how much help I can be, but you know what? I think it sounds to me that you have every right to be angry at these people. You put in so much time and effort to the whole thing and it seems they did not appreciate it! Well let me tell you that if it would of been me, I would fully appreciate what you did. Sounds to me that you must really care about your family to spend so many hours on the decorations and they are taking advantage of you. When I get mad I slam a metal baking sheet on a hard floor! Don't laugh, it makes a really loud thunderous sound and I actually do feel better! Do it several times if needed! Anyway, maybe when you are feeling calmer you could sit down and tell them how you feel.

Dear BuTtErFlY-QuEeN, I agree that you were mistreated. But, you want to keep your friendship and relationship healthy. So, maybe you could rewrite history by logging the scenario about the decorations - expressing the facts, your feelings and making a request for clarification. That way in the future - you will be more prepared to handle it differently and assertively.
*mod edit- advertising removed*

And it seems that the loss of a friend also brought on a lot of extra stress - thus, don't be afraid to pull out of responsibilities in the future when you have another crisis like that. Take care of yourself. God bless!

Thanks very much for the replies.

I know that my relationship will be ok with her. I got through planning her wedding and we are still talking. It was more about the way I responded by swollowing it that was the issue and the podcast certainly helped a little.

I am still resentful and feeling a bit catty about it today but have cooled down quite a lot.

xxxx

I think it is great that you are very kind and thoughtful but not all people are like that. In my opinion, you are very fair and expect all people to be that way too. I am that way. However, I believe that too many people are out to GET something from someone else and it is up to us to not allow them to cross our boundary.
I have heard that the anger is the barometer of our body. It tells us when something needs attention. It appears that too many people are abusing you, in my eyes. Perhaps you could create a significant boundary by letting your friends know that you will take some time to be alone for a season of time because you are feeling really stressed. You don't have to give an explanation, it is your decision and, as friends, they should respect that. If they start to ask you why, where, who, what, when, and how, then I believe that they are too controlling over you. I have a feeling that this will be so foreign to the way you have interacted with your friends that they will almost DEMAND an explanation. It will be a good sign to you in noticing just how "friendly" they have become in your life; maybe too"friendly." It is all up to you what you do. It is your life. In my opinion, I just hate to see people frustrated about something that has nothing to do with them but imposed perspectives from others.
All the best.