Losing my self

Tonight, I chewed out my 9 year-old son. I didn't yell. I wasn't loud. But I was fierce. And hurtful.

And the worst part is that I didn't care.

Perhaps background info will help since this is my inaugural cry in the dark. I am 44 years old, married to a 36 year old man. Our son is autistic spectrum - lots of troubles with social interaction, physical weaknesses, etc. We homeschool him and have been doing so for the past 4 years.

In mid-August, I had surgery for melanoma. It wasn't particularly brutal like other surgeries I've had but it was pretty significant. My estimated recovery time was 5-6 weeks.

Nine days after my surgery, my husband got sick - very, very sick. Essentially, he crawled into bed on Aug. 26 and has been completely disabled since then. We have just returned from almost three weeks at Mayo Clinic to get a diagnosis. Basically, he had a virus that trashed his autonomic nervous system. His heart, lungs, intestines - all screwed up. It will be six months to a year before he MAY recover.

He is almost completely bedridden, able to walk the six feet from bed to bathroom and back a few times a day.

I carry food up and down the hallway six times a day, a modified diet to assist in my DH's digestive troubles. I make separate meals for my son who has his own set of food thingies. We have a dog and two cats and two fish.

The short version (too late, right?) is that I am responsible for EVERYTHING. You name it, it's my responsibility. Trash bins, bill-paying, automotive maintenance, housecleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, doctor appointments, wheelchair wrestling... all me. Only me. Always.

Did I mention I work? Part time. My supervisor has been very kind throughout this ordeal. But if I don't work, I don't get paid. My insurance for health, home and vehicle don't get paid either because they are all through my employer.

So today I made a small tray of food for my DH to get him through the nearly 4 hours I would be gone to work. I talked to my son. He looked right at me. I described the food, the location in the fridge and that I needed his help to take care of Dad while I was gone. I asked him if he understood everything. "Sure, Mom."

And when I got home, he was glued to the TV - just the way he'd been all day - and I didn't exist. My DH had eaten almost no food, had no drink. The tray I'd made sat right where I left it in the refrigerator.

So I lost it. I cleaned up the fragments of food that my DH had, called the boy into the kitchen and ...

I made him cry. A lot. For a long time.

And I didn't care. I absolutely did not care one bit.

I know I'm breaking. I have no one to rely on for help. I used up all my favors when we were stuck at Mayo for almost three weeks instead of the one week we expected. We are practically broke. Our families are far away and more stress than help even on their best days.

For me, the future is five minutes from now. There is nothing beyond that. I've given up my home, my sons, my job and my dog to give my DH a chance to pursue his degree. Eight years later, I'm still waiting. I have a low-paying crap job, no opportunities to do anything else and now... now I don't even have hope of that changing.

So a nine year-old child who couldn't take five minutes away from the ######6 TV set to carry a small tray of food to his bedridden father got it both barrels.

And I didn't care.

And that makes me sad.

Hey,

You made that post over a month ago so I'm wondering how things are now. You should not feel too bad for shouting at your son but, next time, I think you should learn to release all of your anger in less explosive ways. I'm 24 but I have had to deal with anger outbursts over the past few years and I have them under control now. I mean, I used to shout at my mam everyday for simple things. Now, however, we get along just fine and we don't shout at each other at all.

Kevin

I think it is ok to be mad as long as we cgannel that into deep breathing and positive words about ourselves. Also, I think you need more ME time with no distractions.

Hi broken63,

I hope everything is well now. I would suggest you to avoid tensions in your life and try to control your anger. For that you can read some books that can make you stressfree.

Take care.

Hello

There is great information on wikipedia. My mom always asks me to print out wikipedia information. I can understand why, I just recently I started reading the Bible on the bus. It really calms be down especially with my recent reaction to meds. (shakes)

hope your Ok now,
Blake

Hello broken63 I don'[t think this was the good way what you did. But this is common fact if any body looses his mental balance then he does this type behavior as you described above. I think the problem which came over you only you can solve this without angering to anyone. If you chewed your son then what happened your Dh found his food.No this was not good behavior as you did. I think this is the bolt from the blue given to you . So don't break herself.Only watch and wait you will get all what you want . Only deserve with god.






AcidReflux

Is there anyone else besides your family you could ask for help? Sometimes family is not the best to help you out.

Perhaps as little as an hour here and there, to give you a breather. Perhaps a neighbor could come over and take care of the cats and fish.

I am just saying this because when I had a very difficult period (death in family) I nearly snapped. It was like little things as the cats demanding food. I actually kicked the cat. Can you belive it? I felt horrible about it, told my therapist about it. I did not kick the cat hard, but just the idea of hurting something or someone you love because you feel no control of your situation. I can relate to it.

But just a bit of help from an organization or a friend. What about support groups or organisations for the autistic in your area?[/i]