My endless stream of anger

Anger management has always been a big part of my life. I have been in prison a dozen times and committed hundreds of other crimes that could have landed me in jail. With the help of a psychologist I worked very hard to deal with the root issues that contributed to my anger. Although I have never fully suppressed or dealt with the anger, I have most defiantly come a long way and have not been to jail for over 12 years.

My purpose in seeking advice at this time is to find ways to eliminate the left over anger that keeps me from enjoying life to the fullest and ensuring a healthy life.

Throughout the day I encounter people that really frustrate me. I know I should ignore them, but I just don’t have the ability to do it. Here are some examples of some situations that occurred yesterday and my thought process during the incident.

Man on cell phone talking too loud; Why was this fat a$%h&lo talking so loud, I’m not part of his conversation.

Car creeping through a red light in front of me; I waiting plenty of time to cross the road it’s my time to cross not yours.

Man with legs spread on the subway; who does think he is spreading his left over the edge of his on to mine.

Person’s smoke gets in my face; they are smoking not me, why should I in hale that dirt air. Don’t you care about the people around you?

These are just some examples of an endless stream of anger. I really get bothered by these things. The anger stays with me for some time. I’m not an elitists and far from perfect, but I get really anger when I perceive people are being ignorant of others.

I know it sounds petty, but these things really build up and make me feel tired and unhappy. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can learn to ignore these people’s actions?

SeekingZen wrote:Anger management has always been a big part of my life. I have been in prison a dozen times and committed hundreds of other crimes that could have landed me in jail. With the help of a psychologist I worked very hard to deal with the root issues that contributed to my anger. Although I have never fully suppressed or dealt with the anger, I have most defiantly come a long way and have not been to jail for over 12 years.

It seems to me that every time we hear about anger issues on forums such as this that the idea that anger has to be supressed is uppermost. It is my personal experience - through dealing with anger myself and of dealing with anger in friends and colleagues - that suppressing anger doesn't work for precisely the reasons you describe! That is, your anger is still there and it stays with you for some time.

There are 2 sides to anger. The first is feeling the emotion itself and the second is how we deal with that emotion. If you suppress that anger the result is that instead of getting rid of it, the anger actually grows.

Throughout the day I encounter people that really frustrate me. I know I should ignore them, but I just don’t have the ability to do it. Here are some examples of some situations that occurred yesterday and my thought process during the incident.

Man on cell phone talking too loud; Why was this fat a$%h&lo talking so loud, I’m not part of his conversation.

Car creeping through a red light in front of me; I waiting plenty of time to cross the road it’s my time to cross not yours.

Man with legs spread on the subway; who does think he is spreading his left over the edge of his on to mine.

Person’s smoke gets in my face; they are smoking not me, why should I in hale that dirt air. Don’t you care about the people around you?

These are just some examples of an endless stream of anger. I really get bothered by these things. The anger stays with me for some time. I’m not an elitists and far from perfect, but I get really anger when I perceive people are being ignorant of others.

I suggest that the first thing you could try is to accept that you have every right to feel angry at these people. If someone is behaving inconsiderately for whatever the reason, then it is both normal and natural that you should feel angry!

That your anger stays with you for some time is also a natural and normal consequence of your attempts to suppress your anger by, for example, trying to ignore your anger at these people.

I know it sounds petty, but these things really build up and make me feel tired and unhappy. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can learn to ignore these people’s actions?

These issues are not petty. Individually they may seem petty but I know from expeience that it is the combined effect of all these 'little issues' that over a long period of time cause huge problems! Again, by trying to convince yourself that these issues are petty, you are suppressing that anger.

Perhaps something you could try would be the next time you feel anger is to ackowledge that anger to yourself either at the time or a little later depending on what you feel comfortable with. Say something to yourself like "I feel angry at that person. It is normal that I should feel angry at that person." Even better, reinforce that by writing it down too - maybe in a private diary at the end of the day. And you don't have to be polite in a diary - just let rip and write down what you really feel! Writing it down may make you feel angry again but what you are doing is finding an outlet for that anger and that's what is important.

My feeling is that the first step is to give yourself permission to feel anger. That is not the same as acting on the anger. Regularly giving yourself permission to feel anger is more likely to make the anger go away and that is what will finally lead you to being able to ignore those people.

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Dear SeekingZen,
you wrote: "Anger management has always been a big part of my life. I have been in prison a dozen times and committed hundreds of other crimes that could have landed me in jail. With the help of a psychologist I worked very hard to deal with the root issues that contributed to my anger. Although I have never fully suppressed or dealt with the anger, I have most definitely come a long way and have not been to jail for over 12 years."

This is good news because you must be learning skills to help you manage your anger. My guess is that you learned some of the root issues had to do with "hot self-talk". People have a tendency to escalate their own anger by saying to themselves: "That person on the cell phone is so rude! They shouldn't be so inconsiderate! I'm going to tell them off."
It's true that the person on the cell phone is being rude. But, is that person doing it intentionally or are they just unaware of how their actions are affecting others?
We recommend giving people the benefit of the doubt vs. striking out at them when they act inconsiderately.
What about the person whose leg is touching you on the subway? How about moving away if it's possible. Or you could say to him: "Boy, it's crowded on this "L" - isn't it? I wonder if you would mind moving over a litte to give me more room?"

It is important to recognize when you are angry as Tobermory suggests but, it's also important to identify the issue causing the anger (as you learned through counseling) and then, gain skills for a healthy response.

Recommendations: Implement some of best research-based skills for managing anger such as:
1. Taking a time-out to cool down and think about whether the issue is valid or not.
2. Challenging your thinking and self-talk to line up with truth and reality. Ex: "that person on the cell phone probably is not intentionally trying to disrupt me and other people. He/she is just distracted."
3. Learn healthy communication skills such as assertiveness to express anger and disappointments before your anger gets out of control.
4. Learn stress management and relaxation skills to calm down your physiological response to anger.
5. Learn how to forgive. When resentments build - so does anger.

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Someone once wrote: Anger begets anger.
Statistics show that dwelling on anger generally results in negative behavioral consequences and more anger.

Thank you both for taking the time to give helpful relevant responses to my inquiry. I do have a few additional comments and questions regarding your advice. I did listen to the video.

I live in male dominated country and I don’t speak the language well enough to express myself verbally. The culture of the country gives the male population the right to feel superior to the females and others. I’m confident that I have every right to be annoyed by these people, but I agree that that I’ve let some guilt attach itself to my feelings.

I was born is a country that strives on personal space and a culture of thoughtfulness. My current country is not as developed in regards to interpersonal skills. When you combine my emotional history, my cultural upbringing and the lack of skills available for me to adapt or deal with my atmosphere of the past 3 years I struggle to achieve calmness.

In my past life I was a very aggressive businessman. My job was to make sure people completed their tasks and projects were completed on time. I was great at my job because I never suppressed anything. The reason I suppress my anger in my current situation is that no one will understand what I say and as a foreigner I’m under a magnifying glass.

Here are some solutions I took from both of the replies.

#1 I can count to ten in the native language to enhance my learning as I calm down.

#2 try to show a little humanity and not be so judgmental of people’s intentions.

#3 accept the anger as rational and move on.

The issue is although I can count to ten, I have never been able to show understanding to people that think selfishly. Once people do things that are selfish anger sets in so quickly that I have no time to give people the benefit of the doubt. I have worked very hard in my life to achieve everything I have. I feel that I have had little help on the way, hence I punish everyone else with what I was dealt.

Dear Friend,
You wrote: "The issue is although I can count to ten, I have never been able to show understanding to people that think selfishly. Once people do things that are selfish anger sets in so quickly that I have no time to give people the benefit of the doubt. I have worked very hard in my life to achieve everything I have. I feel that I have had little help on the way, hence I punish everyone else with what I was dealt."

Some considerations: You are allowing these people to have control over your emotions and you may be wrong about that person's motives. Anger is really a choice. Have you ever discovered that your presupposition about a person acting selfishly was incorrect? Many times spouses or lovers misjudge the other's motives and this can end up in arguments and misunderstandings.

The first issue is to challenge what you say to yourself and your thinking. What about saying to yourself, "that person may be acting selfishly - but, it could be that he/she is distracted or stressed out. Or it could be that person lacks good social skills."
Also, you could say to yourself, "I'm not going to allow that person to trigger my anger. This issue is not that important."

You need to interrupt anger early on. Anger rears it's ugly head within 1-3 seconds physiologically. Thus, beginning to challenge what you say to yourself about people now will help you give them the benefit of the doubt when situations arise which trigger your anger.

Even when people are acting selfishly - you don't need to give them control over your life and emotions. You can choose to distract yourself, take a time-out, set boundaries or assert yourself in those situations.
Don't punish current people in your life because you've been hurt by others in the past. Get on with your life and build healthier relationships.
God bless!