grudges

When someone says something very mean-spirited to you, I think it would be perfectly normal to get a little upset about it. But I would imagine that most healthy, level-headed people would get over it sooner rather than later. In fact, I believe that most people would get to the point where they rarely ever think about the mean things someone said in the past.

Unforntunately, I am the opposite. I cling to hurtful words ppl have said to me with a death-grip. I obsess over it. I replay the hurtful scenario over and over and over again in my mind. My mind is clouded with anger and hatred for the people who offended me. I fantasize about getting revenge and doing terrible things to them. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

I HATE these grudges. They are a constant source of life-disrupting pain. I WANT to forgive. I WANT to let go. But I don't know how.

I'm guessing that there must be some kind of mechanism in the brains of people who do not hold grudges that is not present in the brains of those who do.

Does anyone have any advice?

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

I am not one who can hold most personal grudges for too long- at least, not with intensity. It's too exhausting. At least, not for smaller things. It's not that I forget- just I find a state of great anger to not be worth it in the long term, for many things. Funnily enough, I mostly hold grudges against things that are larger than myself. Insult me personally or be mean to me personally, I'm more likely to forget about it, than say, you destroy a favorite TV or movie franchise (I have so many grudges these last few years!). Even then eventually I'm like ###$ it, and move on. I do not forget- I just can't maintain a high level of hatred forever.

My partner holds grudges exceedingly well- and nothing sways her- she will hold a grudge until she dies- no amount of reason will change her mind, once she has it in for something or someone. And it can be little slights- it doesn't- in fact, most often it isn't- something huge and life-changing.

I don't know what to tell you- you know you need to let things go, lest they eat you up. Forgiveness is more, I think, for the person doing the forgiving- than the forgive-ee. But saying it and doing it are two different things. You do pique my curiosity- I wonder if there is a difference in the brains. Also, you've not said what sex you are? I find holding grudges seems to be more prevalent in those with two X chromosomes- and yes, I think it's a difference in how the sexes are wired. I'm a male with a very feminine sense of internal gender- but I see cisgirls say and do things that I'm like wow maybe having a Y chromosome isn't such a raw deal after all. Girls can do some grudging, now. Just my personal observation/opinion.

I completely agree with you Snaga. Grudges are EXTREMELY exhausting, emotionally and physically. And great anger is definitely not worth it in the long term. Holding a grudge only does harm to yourself, not the offender.

All that aside, I just cannot wrap my head around the concept that the offender should get away with saying deliberately hurtful things scot-free. I feel they should be punished in some way so that they would think twice about hurting someone again. I realize that is a vindictive point of view, but I don't know how to get rid of it.

I have some friends who practice Buddhism. And they have told me that they have completely forgiven their enemies, and they have even sent prayers of good fortune to the people who hurt them! That is, to me, a truly amazing concept: wishing that your enemies are happy and healthy.

God, I wish I could do that!

subzero92 wrote:I have some friends who practice Buddhism. And they have told me that they have completely forgiven their enemies, and they have even sent prayers of good fortune to the people who hurt them! That is, to me, a truly amazing concept: wishing that your enemies are happy and healthy.

“Holding hatred in the heart is like drinking poison and hoping others will die.” — Buddha.

I don't know much about Buddhism, I'm supposed to be Christian, but in Christianity, it's an outright command- I suspect one of the more ignored ones, ha. Which both goes back to it's more for the person doing the forgiving. CS Lewis likened sin- including things like hatred- to we are always evolving towards being either a hellish creature, or a heavenly creature- It's not a matter of punishment or reward- it's we are shaping ourselves in one of two directions. We choose our destiny as free agents. Having the ability to forgive is considered important. I found this interesting article on forgiveness in Buddhism:

https://medium.com/mindfully-speaking/u ... 6ece44a7ba

I think it makes some excellent points, whether a person tends to religion or not. You can read it from a purely secular world view, as it lays out a pretty good argument for why it's good to cultivate the ability to forgive.

The partner sees my more laid back attitude about slights, as being weak- I just see it as pragmatic. I prefer not to harbor things that in the end aren't earth-shattering.