Not emotional, but considering the worst though.

Well in the end I know which way I should go. And indeed you're right, if I think it's going to escalate maybe I have got to search for some more help. Maybe a bit more specialized.

In all the conversations I have with these care people, I constantly have to take into the account that I'm not being delusional. Just because I have been at some points in the past. It's just something I have to accept even though it might be quite annoying at some times. But I think I'm getting to know the difference. Between delusional and facts basically.

So one thing I can be sure of, is that for some reason or another the upstairs man like's to flush his toilet when I'm about to. It's really really stupid. But it gets annoying after a while. It happens all the time. So yeah it's not that harmful but I just think of what it would take to pull that off all the time. And I can't think of anything else other than him having to wait for that or constantly be alert to pull that off? So the commitment it takes for him to be able to do that stuff all the time is pretty crazy?! I know it's him and not the downstairs guy. I can often when something like this happens look outside at who's car is parked here at the moment. And they can be gone on a bike for example as well, our country has a lot of biking people it's really common. But if the car is gone it's at least been used. So I can't say for sure if the car is there that the person is home. But I can say quite sure that if the car is gone, the person is not home. And it's going to be either the person above or below. And if the below guy is gone. Yeah it's pretty much clear who's doing it. It can then only be the upstairs guy at that point.

I'm thinking quite a lot about what is actually... well what could be considered proof to others as well. What I could consider proof for myself. And then certain things I'm not 100% sure of but... gets a lot more clear considering what I already know about these guys.

So yeah. One thing with the downstairs neighbour, is that pretty frequently for quite some time I heard really really really loud bangs uhm that basically shook my bed. I could feel it shake. So then again the question is where is it coming from. But I really think, because of the shaking from my bed, it has to come through the floor. The upstairs guy can't be doing it otherwise it would have to be... yeah like insanely more loud than it already is. Making it come down through the walls en then up into my bed again. That's not possible. And if it was the case I could probably tell as well and yeah. It would take immense force. But yeah so... It's at night, it's completely unnecessary.

He has stopped with that though. I don't know when it's going to happen so it's still hard to for example record. But if I could it would be clear proof. So maybe that's why he has stopped. But it has shown his hostility towards me at least.

There's more. There's certain stuff that's really annoying but I can't probably communicate that well unless I could again record it and let you hear it. Really really annoying sounds he sometimes starts very early in the morning. And if I pick up on it and know he's begun again, I can basically already tell I won't be falling to sleep anymore from that point onwards.

I explain them as signs. Just because I am really carefull about interpreting them. But I know some stuff for 100% and it's more than enough to really get a picture of what's going on.

He denies everything. Which makes it worse IMO. I could catch him on doing it live in the act and he would still probably deny it, that's how sure I am of it. And that's how bold his lying is.

It's really clearly signs of absolute hostility. It's really clear to me. And I don't have a clue why that would've started. Personally with them at least. There's a lot of people that could have tried so start this through them maybe. But I've got nothing directly related with them that might explain even a small part of this at all. That's why I think there's other people involved as well. And that they're just doing it out of loyalty to someone else. I have not been able to prevent possibly making enemies during my confusion in previous psychotic episodes. And once you know that you might have possibly made some enemies... well that's a really bad thing. Then all kinds of things become possible. You really want to prevent that IMO. But yeah they're apparently not scared of making me as an enemy either so yeah... apparently other people don't find it that important at all.

Yeah...

Just telling you that I talk of them as signs because I'm really carefull at interpreting them.

And yeah...

Somehow I could be considering this all the time as well because I feel like it's the only thing I can do like... that I know I could do. Using law and stuff like that is extremely difficult. Everybody knows how difficult that is. So what else do I have? Yeah communication. That's the only thing and that should be enough. But is not working for me at the moment. Has never worked. I told people how I thought about certain stuff. But they intervened anyway?

It really could have started that way and maybe because of some power hungry people in the first place?? Who is to say that didn't have an influence, when they decided to remove me from the place I lived in force. It could be that all of this that I'm experiencing right now is a result from that.

I also told my care people that if I find a way of really being able to express myself, that's what I would prefer. But I feel like I just in general can't communicate how mad I'm able to get at certain things. Apparently people don't care when I tell them. And it's really maybe a lot more of a problem about communicating it like effectively, that people actually take it serious... and more importantly... the right people would take it serious.

Meaning my neighbour. He's the one that should get worried. And maybe that has been the real problem for me. I wasn't able to. Because he didn't quit! Maybe he thinks he knows me better than I know myself... and knows how far he's going to be able to push it without me doing anything yet!?

If it's going to be the wrong people who start worrying again, it's not working the way I want it to and it will maybe at some time backfire on me again with hospitalization because I would be "dangerous". There is this line... if you're a danger to yourself or somebody else... it's enough to get you hospitalized.

But you could still say it's a my best interest as well to turn this into a temporary hospitalization again instead of at least 25 years of jailtime. Basically wrecking my life. No matter how much I feel "invested" in this though. Could be that I might consider it as having failed and made a mistake. But it would allow me to pick up my life again relatively quickly so yeah I'm still aware of that.

But it could be at some point that I would decide I don't care enough about that jailtime to not do it... yeah that's going to be my decision.

If you think the neighbors are a problem...

what do you think people in jail- criminals- are going to be like?

a thousand times worse, probably.

I personally would do anything to avoid jail time. A temp hospitalisation is far, far preferable to a prison sentence.

I live in Holland, and apparently it's not bad at all.

Maybe I just want to feel back in control again.
Like I could do something.

'Not bad' doesn't equate to being a good place- that could be 'relative to other countries'.

I think many of us feel as if we must be in control of at least something- and this past year has been challenging for a lot of us, on that level. In my case, having OCD, I often seek control by giving in to compulsions which in my mind, are meant to try and give me back control over the thing I have anxiety about.

However, I'd say any violence directed toward someone is going to result in very much the opposite. If I assault someone with no reason that the state agrees is justified, I can well expect to find my control over my own destiny sharply diminished in the time it takes them to catch up with me. Assuming I'm fortunate enough to do everything right when apprehended, and not have deadly force used against me.

Someone is going to have to do a heck of a lot more than merely harass me, to force me to violent actions. Let the man flush the toilet at the same time; what is that to you?

Snaga wrote:'Not bad' doesn't equate to being a good place- that could be 'relative to other countries'.

I think many of us feel as if we must be in control of at least something- and this past year has been challenging for a lot of us, on that level. In my case, having OCD, I often seek control by giving in to compulsions which in my mind, are meant to try and give me back control over the thing I have anxiety about.

However, I'd say any violence directed toward someone is going to result in very much the opposite. If I assault someone with no reason that the state agrees is justified, I can well expect to find my control over my own destiny sharply diminished in the time it takes them to catch up with me. Assuming I'm fortunate enough to do everything right when apprehended, and not have deadly force used against me.

Someone is going to have to do a heck of a lot more than merely harass me, to force me to violent actions. Let the man flush the toilet at the same time; what is that to you?

I don't really know anymore.

I compare a lot to nature and for example I've heard of this concept that an insecure... for example... lion... is a lot more dangerous one than a confident one. Cause the confident one is going to be more or less predictable. The insecure one might decide to attack you without much provocation at all because he maybe already feels unusually threatened by you or somebody or someone... or he just perceived something a wrong way, it basically could be all kinds of things. He could lunge a lot earlier. Or later, in fact. But yeah. Don't bet on it. It's going to be a lot more unpredictable at least.

That's not necessarily what would be a good comparison to me. But I start warning already a lot earlier. And then perhaps have to deal with that level of seriousness for a considerably longer time? Could be really tiring for me because of that. And yeah that's what I find it to be as well so yeah... could very well be.

I don't know a whole lot more about it than that though.

It's a movie "Into the Pride" by the way, 2009, where I got it from. I thought it was literally quoted that way but yeah, am 90% sure it had something to do with that. A difference between dealing with a confident or insecure lion.

Well that makes sense- about the lion I mean. And well, I imagine just about any critter, including people.

It has kind of retreated to the background again.

But yeah...

Oh well.

It's hard to... maintain... at such a level of anger. It takes a lot for me to get emotionally angry... for a moment... I can but it takes a lot. Then if I am able to to get worked up enough to really... feel... anger... I'm going to have to go to sleep at some point.

And then I wake up and I just lol... it's really weird. It's gone basically... completely, at least emotionally because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to fall asleep anyway.
And then the thought needs to fade as well.

And I'm pretty confident that that has happened to some extent as well.

I've found some extra options as well that could act as alternatives to uhm... "this". Yeah that's good as well.

And I've been able to explain it a little more clear for myself... using these forums basically. So I've now got quite a good picture on how it works for me and how it started as well like the bigger picture.

The bad thing is that I did make steps going in this direction. Meaning that next time I pretty much don't have to do anything anymore and "all is ready". Which would be stupid. The smartest thing would be "undoing" some of that at some point as well... I don't know about that yet though.

So sort of an improvement I guess all things considered.

TriggerTheStomatopod wrote:It's hard to... maintain... at such a level of anger.

I find it exhausting. Any why would anyone want to?

TriggerTheStomatopod wrote:The bad thing is that I did make steps going in this direction. Meaning that next time I pretty much don't have to do anything anymore and "all is ready". Which would be stupid. The smartest thing would be "undoing" some of that at some point as well... I don't know about that yet though.

I guess it depends on what the steps were? But if some sort of preparation was made that could be a danger, it needs to be undone.

Damn it...

And it almost seems to be over and it develops into something else.

This is... I hope if it ever comes to a point where this goes wrong that people know I've tried. But I'm not going to...

People need to be...

I would want people to be 100% that they shouldn't try to pull off stuff like this with me at all. It needs to be absolutely clear. And apparently right now it's not?! People should know man... my god...

My sister also has had problems with certain people for a really long time as well. My father really gets sad about this because he can't wrap his head around the fact that both his children are experiencing these things. These people should know what they're...

And...

That they shouldn't do that with me! I apparently sort of feel special like they just have to know about that and that at least they don't try to pull off that stuff when I'm...
ME.

There should be no doubt about what would happen else. And that's why I would do it.

I know which fight I'm fighting...

It's one that has already gotten out of control a long time ago?
I'm not going to even bring you up to speed with it. This is my fight and I'm going to remove every ***ing one of you!