I Hate Being Angry

Hello there, you can call me SilverSpoon. I'm new here, new to "forums" in general, so I'm just going to start by detailing my situation, why I'm here, and what I hope to get out of it. If I'm posting in the wrong place, or going about this the wrong way, I sincerely apologize. Like I said, I'm new.
I'm in my late 30's, and I wouldn't describe myself as ever being an "angry" person, and I truly believe that no one who knows me would list anger anywhere near the top of my more negative attributes. If pressed, I'd say if there's an "anger scale", as it relates to a person's personality anyway, I would fall just a notch or two on the angry side of the middle of the scale. So imagine an average person, and then maybe put me a notch or two above them on the "angry scale". But nothing too crazy or out of control. I've never hurt anyone, I don't tend to raise my voice, it's more internal than anything.
Anyway, a little over a year ago, I went thru a traumatic event with a family member. A very close loved one of mine had a horrifying heath crisis, and I witnessed everything. It traumatized me. It ultimately ended up happy, and this loved one is still alive and with me today, but what I went thru that day, and the weeks immediately following it, have continued to haunt me. It's largely believed among my family that I'm suffering from some sort of P.T.S.D., and from the little research I've done on the subject, it seems to fit.
I'm here because ever since "the event" (that's what I call it), my anger has just shot thru the roof. I find it hard to enjoy things because I get so angry all the time. It's like a switch was flipped in me that day, and as things began to calm down a bit, and my nerves and my anxiety waned (I'll talk about my history with a severe panic disorder and high anxiety some other time. I'm just speaking of the massive levels of constant angst I had pumping thru me for days and days while this "event" played out), my anger rose, and pretty soon I was just avoiding all the things I used to love because I just couldn't enjoy them anymore.
I'm actually glad this is anonymous, because it's really pathetic, it's really sad actually. The stupid things that trigger my anger now. It can be ANYTHING, from something that you'd expect a person to feel some anger over, to the completely arbitrary and nonsensical, with the latter being the most frustrating for me, because it's the little things that I continue to get so heated over.
A couple examples. I can't even watch most television shows anymore, because I take what happens to the characters personally, as if what's happening to them is happening to me, and I get so irate by the way they handle it. Even old sitcoms I used to binge on to help me relax and get me thru tough times, shows like The Office for crying out loud. I can't watch 80% of the episodes of The Office anymore because I get so mad at the way Michael selfishly ruins everything. All I can think about is how badly I want Jim or Dwight to put him in his place!! This may seem funny to you, and I wouldn't blame you for getting a chuckle out of that, but I'm being 100% serious here. I've had to completely remove myself from ALL current events, news, politics, etc., because there isn't a segment of a news show that I don't end up wanting to destroy the room I'm in.
There are no small disagreements anymore it seems, there isn't any letting it go, I dwell, I dwell some more, I take some more things personally, and then I go back to dwelling. I often find myself lost in thought about things that are years and years old, but I'm just ruminating on them.
I'm really not satisfied with the way I'm articulating what I'm dealing with here, but I'm doing my best. Basically, I take everything personally, seriously, and ferociously so, and this now applies to hypotheticals!! Things like the sitcoms, and the what-if scenarios I find myself daydreaming about. And all of this started after that event, I was never like this before that. I HATE IT.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm mindful enough to understand that I'm going through something here, so I don't take it out on anyone, but in exchange for that I find that I'm just distancing myself from everyone. I don't want to participate in conversations, or go out, or otherwise socialize. I don't watch TV or videos online that I know will just trigger this stupid anger. But I'm tired of feeling it, and I'm tired of battling it. I don't know where it's coming from, I don't know why the trauma I went through a year ago would cause me to be so angry, but it doesn't take a PHD to see they're directly connected.
I actually sit and think about how I functioned before "the event" and all of this subsequent anger, and how I miss being able to watch a simple sitcom without inserting myself into the character's positions and getting all angry at whichever fictional scenario they're dealing with in the show. I miss being able to just let things go. I miss being generally calm.
Like I said, I don't take this out on anyone, and I'm not some powder-keg that's ready to explode, it's just a constant, elevated, easily triggered into anger, state, and to be frank, it sucks. Because I'm usually a pretty happy person, I like to laugh, I like to make others laugh, but ever since that fateful day, it's like I've changed. It came out of nowhere, too!!
The last thing I expected from "the event" was to end up permanently personally damaged or traumatized from it. It was certainly traumatizing though, and I relive it all the time. I often catch myself lost in thought about it, sort of like a trance, just staring off into space, blank eyes, cycling through the events of that day. Sometimes I even catch myself mouthing the words I yelled to the paramedics and reciting the things I spoke to the docs about in the E.R., literally reliving it.
I tell ya, I hear of PTSD from our brave veterans and heroes like that, and I can't put myself into having endured anything like that, but I've got a new respect for the notion of mental trauma, and what it does to a person, because I've literally not been the same since that day and the weeks after it. It's like electricity flowing through you, constantly, all the way thru to your core, just buzzing inside of you. But attached to the shocking feeling, is angst, and sadness, and anger, and sorrow, and regret, and guilt, all at once, this is how I felt the day of the event and in the weeks after it. Slowly the shock begins to fade and you start to release some of that tension, but it's like the damage has been done, and now you're just stuck with buckets and buckets of powerful emotion that you don't have the first clue what to do with, or how to get rid of it, or even what exactly it is you're being weighted down with. Confusion is probably a suitable word for it.
I guess to make matters worse, I suffered from a massive panic disorder for a good 15 years. Before that it was just high angst/anxiety all the time, and to this day I simply endure my anxiety. I no longer have panic attacks, only very rarely. But my anxiety has been a part of my life for so many years I can't imagine it ever leaving. And this was BEFORE "the event" even happened.
I can tell you this, whatever this is, whether it's PTSD or some other trauma induced thing, it's new. It's unlike anything I've experienced, and believe me, there isn't ANYTHING about anxiety, anxiety attacks or panic attacks, that I don't know, or have not experienced. Anger was never a part of my life before the event. At least not in any way outside the norm.
Okay, I guess I'm just looking to see if my little story here rings a bell with anyone else, or if anyone has any insight as to what the heck is going on with me, and how I can deal with it. Because I just want to go back to my normal self. I want to be able to watch a funny TV show and not even think about how that character shouldn't just sit there and take that!! I want to be able to watch the news without reaching level 11 on the 1 thru 10 anger scale. I don't want to treat every disagreement like it's a win or lose scenario. I don't want to take so many things so personally and get so emotionally invested in them. It's exhausting, it's joyless, and it's a lonely existence when you find you've simply removed yourself from every scenario that might trigger anger.
I apologize if this is far too long, I'm sure it is. And I apologize if it's not in the correct location. Like I said, I'm new, I don't know what the heck is wrong with me, and I appreciate anyone who took the time to read all of this. I hope you are doing well, and I look forward to any insight you may have. Happy New Year.

-- SilverSpoon

Hello SilverSpoon,

First I would like to say that some people explode easily and manifest their anger, but others repress it in order not to create problems and cause hurting for others. So it seems like you were repressing a lot of anger which you are not expressing, this should be a diagnostic for you to understand that even though you seemed completely in peace in the past, it was just a superficial appearance. Therefore, repressing is not the answer, but of course manifesting such anger and hurting others is not the answer either.

The answer lies in understanding. You say you understand that "event" as you call it is connected to this anger that have grown in you, however at the same time you said you don't know where it's coming from, doesn't this behaviour of knowing but at the same time having some sort of denial suggest that there is something about it all you're not considering?

You say you relive that event everyday, you catch yourself thinking about it often, why is it so hard for you to let go something that is in the past? Can you think of any other events from your past you have not truly let go? Events that permanently changed your behaviour?

We usually do not think that non-traumatic (or at least perceived as that) events from the past cannot be responsible for changing our behaviour so that we begin to degenerate, but not rarely such events are associated with our emotional degeneration, we just like to deny because we like to think they were too small to cause any changes in us. As we can see, this is where pride comes to the scene, to provide us a comfortable but false perception of reality. I think that when we are young and emotionally imature we are mostly vulnerable to go through what I've just mentioned.

So maybe, you're thinking the "event" is where your anger began, but maybe it was just an event that triggered you to express your anger more instead of repressing it and denying its existence.

Not rarely we get angry dealing with all sorts of different situations, some have nothing in common, but yet the internal reason we get angry can be the same in all those situations, maybe we get angry because we feel somehow threatened, so fear plays a role here, or maybe because we feel victimized (as if "what did I do to deserve this" or "what did the person I love do to deserve this"), or maybe because we conciously or not compare that moment that caused the anger with previous peaceful moments, which ironically instead of making us make efforts to get back to a peaceful state, it makes us get even more angry, so it's like "fighting" anger with anger, cannot lead to any good place.

So I think it is important for you to dive deep into yourself and consider the past, the past previous to that event you associate with your anger issues. I don't know how serious the health situation of your loved one was, and I'm deeply sorry you all had to go through that, but it seems to me that there is a possibility you got so angry beginning at that time because you feared something, maybe you feared losing that person, or maybe you feared having to live with those circunstances forever or for a long time, if you come to the conclusion this is the case, then it would be important to remember earlier times and events because there's a high chance you'd find plenty of fear in you.

If you have noticed, my approach is to try to identify the earliest event connected to a determined emotional and mental aspect, because all posterior events that trigger anger possibly have to do with why we allowed anger to manifest in us in the earliest event. So it's not a matter of how intense a situation has to be to cause us to get angry and develop it, hence why you get angry dealing with situations that have no potential to cause you anger, and in my view they do not cause you anger, they simply act to make you manifest the anger stocked inside you.

A lot of us think anger has nothing to do with fear, because anger is a very imposing and strong emotion, which leads to very imposing and strong thoughts, which gives the false idea that being angry is a sign of strength, yet not rarely anger is completely associated with fear, so acting based on anger is a way to give ourselves the false perception that we are strong, yet that anger exists due to fear, fear which we tend to consider as weakness, so for our ego it's like we tried to hide our weakness by showing strength. However, in truth, anger is just a product of fear, hence it can appear to show strength but actually be an attribute of weakness.

To get rid of anger, it takes a lot of humbleness, because not rarely when we try to recover, our pride and ego get in the way, they seem to protect us from feeling ashamed or something like that, but yet they just act to protect the very damaging emotions and mental aspects which destroy us within. I dealt with anger for many many years, and to recover I had rise above my pride, because my pride always tried to blame things upon others, tried to find reasons to back up being angry.

I didn't wanna make this too long but I felt like saying the things I said to you. Once again I'm very sorry about the health situation your loved one, you and your whole family had to endure, but thankfully it is over, now should allow yourself to be over it too, and I hope the questions I proposed and the reflections I expressed help you in some way.

Feel free to continue talking if you wish, I'll do my best to try to help you based on what I know, based on my experiences.

Take care!

Hi
I thought i would respond, although the post is year ago. A couple of things jumped out at me.
In relation to anger, i have been a much more angry person in my later years but i think it's always been there. But i too hate my anger. It was becoming so corrosive and grooved that i finally saw it could literally break ny heart. Feeling cortisol too much is bad for health. The fight or flight response shouldn't be active so much. I am also a life long sufferer of anxiety and as a result my life has been difficult. Missed opportunities by trying to avoid stressful things. Work, romance all effected. Anger is i believe becoming more of a dominant feature in my life because of more regrets building up which generates fear, depression, anxiety. I recognise my anger is an attempt to protect myself. But intellectually i know it's not how i respond to fear and anxiety. I'm a human and anger is one of our main emotions. I don't think hating my anger is helpful because it is more anger. The Buddhists are good at teaching us how to look at our thoughts and feelings in ways that are safe and peaceful. I try to have compassion for my anger although I'm not excusing it. I have a strong moral compass and always feel depressed when i get angry because it means i lost control again. No one wants to feel that feeling. Although people going round thinking they are in control of everything is an illusion too. But we can learn a lot with the right tools and become more comfortable with all of ourselves. I also had family trama... It dragged on for 10 years until it exploded in a violent way and one family member became severely ill. This definitely scared me and i did a lot of therapy. Mental illness will do that to a family. We all came through and fam member is safe, ok now. I could say that i got worse after family member started getting help. Almost like i had permission because i didn't have to hold other members together emotionally. That points to my trait of feeling responsible when actually I'm not. I'm only responsible for how i conduct myself including my emotions. I just think that it's worth exploring possible reasons for anxiety because for me, it was part nature and a lot nurture... Family dynamics growing up. Parents with their own issues. Be kind to yourself and therapy if you can.