Help me **TW- violence**

I wrote this when I was having another Breakdown. I'm falling apart I need help

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm ######6 lonely. I'm in my room all day rotting away. My mind has just been degrading over the last few months. I've been having breakdowns and I've been talking to myself. I hate so many people. Almost everybody. I have plans to kill people and I feel like I'm actually gonna do it. I can't really describe how I feel anymore. It's just all a mess and I'm too anxious to tell anyone. I'm scared that my world will fall apart, if I tell people. My mind keeps wandering all day. It wanders between dreams of chaos and of domination. I want this world to burn for what it did to me, but I also want to dominate this world crushing those who made me like this. They broke me. I've been rejected and attacked my whole life. This is the closest I will get to a last note. Because one day I will disappear and rip this world and those who broke me apart.

loneliness isn't good for anyone. all too easily our problems can get completely out of all proportion.

anger is a perfectly normal emotion. but it can be very destructive, especially if kept bottled up.

your note has a certain suicidal flavour to it. if so, i suggest you contact a suicide helpline. you need to talk to someone in confidence about the problems that you're having. this could give you a route into finding someone who will help you in real life, rather than on the internet.

I'm glad you reached out and posted here.. do you feel able to talk a bit about what's happened to make you feel this way?

I have complex PTSD and can definitely relate to being lonely and breaking down

I have breakdowns like this regularly. Usually I try to keep it contained, but this time I decided to write down what I was thinking. I've been bottling my feelings up for so long that I don't even know what I'm really feeling anymore.

seabreezeblue wrote:I'm glad you reached out and posted here.. do you feel able to talk a bit about what's happened to make you feel this way?

I have complex PTSD and can definitely relate to being lonely and breaking down

I don't know what happened or when it happen for sure, but there was that one evening. During that time of life I didn't really have friends and was insulted at school. I was crying often and was done with life. One evening I had a complete breakdown in front of my parents and was sobbing and crying on the ground. After that it's been easier for a while. I bottled up my emotions and that made my day easier, because I was not being attacked for feeling a certain way. That all lead up to now. I'm a mess. I've been wearing a mask for so long that I don't even know who I really am anymore and I don't know what I really feel. I only know what I feel when I have my relatively regular breakdowns. I feel anxiety, fear, anger, etc when I break down. Usually I try to contain it, but that time I wrote down what I was feeling.

Do you get any relief or understanding when you write things out ? I find it helps me when I'm struggling with something .

NewSunRising wrote:Do you get any relief or understanding when you write things out ? I find it helps me when I'm struggling with something .

I'm not sure. It kinda stresses me like all social interaction, but it's somewhat of a relief.

I found that putting what I'm feeling down on paper made me a little calmer . Bottling stuff up just made it everything worse . Usually when I was done venting , I tried to write down a few of the good things in my life . Some days I really had to search hard to find even one .

And when I did , I grabbed onto it like a life preserver and kept telling myself " At least I have that."

Dont wrote:
I don't know what happened or when it happen for sure, but there was that one evening. During that time of life I didn't really have friends and was insulted at school. I was crying often and was done with life. One evening I had a complete breakdown in front of my parents and was sobbing and crying on the ground. After that it's been easier for a while. I bottled up my emotions and that made my day easier, because I was not being attacked for feeling a certain way. That all lead up to now. I'm a mess. I've been wearing a mask for so long that I don't even know who I really am anymore and I don't know what I really feel. I only know what I feel when I have my relatively regular breakdowns. I feel anxiety, fear, anger, etc when I break down. Usually I try to contain it, but that time I wrote down what I was feeling.

I'm glad you wrote here instead of trying to hold it all in..
and i understand completely about wearing a mask for so long that you don't know who you really are anymore.. i had a complete breakdown about 16 years ago and had to very slowly piece together who i am and what it was that i was even thinking..
I had no idea about anything - even down to having simple opinions on anything.

It sounds like your breakdowns are awful, but also that they're a little helpful in a way.. because you felt better after that one you had in front of your parents..
shutting feelings away and ignoring them is still something i do a lot of the time, and i need to try and remember to pause and process from time to time for a while.
Sounds like writing here helped a bit for you.. it does for me as well - so i'm super glad you wrote here.

How have you been feeling for the last few days?

seabreezeblue wrote:How have you been feeling for the last few days?

It's been just like always. Alone in my room, just entertaining myself to get the days passed.