Swear and get annoyed

Hi,

First post so go easy.
I'm 48 , and my girlfriend has finished with me after 3 years. I'm heartbroken and on of the things I want to change is my short fuse.

I'm not an angry person, but she said I'm grumpy. Some examples that I can think of are

I banged my head in a shop and straight away shouted out "f**king hell". There were people around and it wasn't clever looking back but at that time I felt that was an appropriate reaction but it hurt and I was angry. Another example is we were going to London, we got to the station the trains had been cancelled so we had to drive to another station. My reaction was to thump the timetable board. Nobody was around but it made my girlfriend jump and although we travelled to London, she couldn't' forget it, it ruined the day and she wanted to come home. I've never hurt anybody, wouldn't hit anybody, but she said it scared her.

I'll swear at objects if they fall over, I trip up them, they break, or if I walk into a door, scrap my car, the traffic lights change, I'll get cut up, fellow car driver won;t indicate, program doesn't record, I get to a shop just before it closed, I'll miss a train etc.

It's not angry behaviour - it's just snapping, or flying off the handle, having a temper - I'm not sure what the official description is but I don't want to be like that person anymore. I want to try to get my girlfriend back and show her that I'm taking the steps to fix it. I'm open t any medication or meditation to calm me down. The irony is people say I'm very laid back and I work in customer service!

It doesn't sound like you have serious anger issues to me , at least not the kind that need medication . I do see her point of view with your hitting stuff though . It's threatening in a way , even though I'm sure you wouldn't direct it toward a person ( and certainly not towards your GF ).

Some people just have a more restrained personality . I'm one of those people ( also female ) and being around people who loudly express their anger , justified or not , makes me uncomfortable . It tends to make others who witness it uncomfortable too . I don't think less of of them as people but that kind of reaction feels a little scary and somewhat embarassing to me .

I must say too - I'm older than you by 11 years and I find swearing very off-putting . Not getting judgmental - I worked in a factory for 20 years and swore like a sailor the whole time . As I got older , it just seemed ...cruder , I guess . I tend now to directly verbalize ( " Man , that makes me so mad ! " ) instead of letting out a string of profanity .

My guess is that surprise is what's triggering the outbursts . I've had success with practicing using a non-threatening word or phrase when I'm unpleasantly surprised - my go to is "WHOA !" - and as soon as I voice it , I shut up for at least 5 seconds , maybe take a few deep breaths . I may still be angry , but it doesn't come out like a cannon shot . I might be cussing up a storm in my head , but staying quiet for a few moments lets me process what just happened and and how much it really affects me . Most of the time , I'm merely annoyed , not truly ticked off .

Thanks for your reply. Do you know of any meditation I can do to be calmer. A website would be great. For me it's instant reaction of anger as opposed to getting angry over time so something to combat that would be great.

I don't have any recommendations , sorry . Have you looked at the 2 locked threads at the top of the page ? There is some good advice in both of them .

I think a simple web search would bring up a lot of resources - try everything ! Keep what works . Changing behavior is a process , so don't be too frustrated if it takes longer than you think it should . If you stick with it and be deliberately mindful of your actions and reactions , you should be able to see your progress , not in leaps and bounds , but in a growing awareness .

It's really great that you are being pro-active about this .

I don't think you are too out of place with your anger, but if you distract others or draw unwanted attention it can certainly be embarrassing for those who are in your company.

Yelling because you hit your head is normal and to be expected because, ouch! Also, where is her empathy in that situation?

Maybe she is super sensitive to these reactions because she has some sort of post traumatic stress disorder or trauma in her past? I am super sensitive to any outburst because I grew up in a very violent household, but then again I do understand if someone is in pain, they are going to react.

The thumping thing is a bit awkward. I'd have to see exactly how you thumped the board and know the surrounding conversation to give any advice.

I dated a violent male before I got married and he would stop cars in traffic to try and fight people(road rage). It was very scary. That being said, I really don't think you have a real anger issue but maybe a communication issue. Talk to her about how it makes her feel and why it makes her feel that way. In my experience, changing your personality is only going to make you resentful in the long run.