Ashamed of my entire being

I have recently come to be aware of how my personality was when I was a child. I did not have many friends, I was quiet, and everyone probably thought I was weird until I was about 17 years old, which was last year. I still daily get thoughts that people still see me as the weird one. But I sometimes I feel normal.

I had bursts of anger when I felt that my parents treated me unfairly. My father has aggression issues, and in my opinion he is a pretty difficult person. Or maybe I am the difficult one.
When I was small I used to get hit and beaten quite a lot but I try not to think about that too much, because my father does not hit me anymore and I think he also is trying to forget that he did that.
And if I would ever bring it up(which I wouldnt) he would act like I am talking #######4 and that he never did anything like that. Can that abuse have anything to do with my problems today?

I have realized I was always a weird child, sensitive, easily angered, talkative at home, quiet in public. I feel so ashamed of my whole being. I can almost understand why my parents treated me badly, I was not behaving normally.

Of course I didn't act like that on purpose but now I am scared I still am that weird child since I feel like everyone in my family sees me as a little child. I am ashamed and jealous and I feel sorry for my parents when I see mature people my age. If they had a child like that they would be so much happier.

The weird thing is that I do feel mature whenever I am surrounded by people who are not family or friends from my childhood. I have a boyfriend and I like the way I am with him.

But I don't want to be a small child, or treated like one by my parents.
I try to express this to my parents but I feel like a crazy person rambeling about weird things, I feel even more like a child when I try to explain it.

I feel so ashamed and misarble around my family. When I think about them I get extreme anxiety and I could just cry. When I feel sane, I feel love for my parents but sometimes when they hurt me, or when I just can't understand their behavior I feel hate for them.

I feel that my parents has a lot of mental problems themselves which makes my situation hard.

I want to be treated as an adult but it is like they can never forget how I was as a child, and I still get angry and screams sometimes and so does my dad, he is a very negative person. I don't know what to do and this is very hard to explain to psychologists.

Does anyone have any tips for me?

you're doing the classic 'child blames themself for bad parenting' thing here. you can't change your parents. and, as you've found, when you're around them they project this bad parenting onto you, even now. you need to recognise that you were the child. as your parents, it was their responsibility to bring you up in a loving, caring, guilt-free environment. and they didn't. stop blaming yourself. stop making excuses for them. start living your own life, away from their negative influence if necessary.

Your father is probably feeling lots of guilt and doesn't know how to communicate properly with you. It sounds like he has quite many issues himself that he doesn't know how to address, let alone help you.

If you want to be respected you'll have to remove yourself from the situation and start your own life outside of theirs. Once they realize you are an individual who is capable of doing things for yourself (not needing them) then they will respect you.

I too was looked at as a 'little girl' most of my life, the youngest in the family, etc. but now I do things all for myself and my family respects me. They even come to me for advice at times, which is shocking to me in retrospect