I think I may kill someone (tw:sexual violence + cutting)

It all started when my best friend got raped last month.
She's since changed so much. He took away her joy and she's come too close to killing herself multiple times in the past month. He made her pregnant at 14, worsened her diagnosed anxiety, and she's expressed to me that she wishes he has just killed her after he did it.
Lately I've found myself having a strong desire to kill him- a desire so strong that I really believe that if I don't get some sort of help, I will manifest it in killing him. I've been manifesting it in cutting myself because I feel like I need to satisfy the urge for violence when I'm angry. I need to manifest my anger into violence. My "logic" when doing this is that if he can't feel a fraction of the pain that he made her feel, then I will. It's not actually logic. It's highly irrational and I recognize that, but I can't help it. I'm just so angry at him. I firmly believe that he needs to die and I wanna do it myself. I've never had this desire towards anyone before, but he makes me unbelievably furious. I can't even describe it. I never wish suffering upon people, but he's an easy exception to that. He's not being served his justice right because the system and my friend's parents are profusely ###$ up which makes me even more furious. I've struggled with self harm before, having been living with clinical anxiety/depression and suicidal thoughts, but it's never been this extreme or for this reason.
If my friend had actually succeeded in killing herself because of what he did to her, then I'm certain I wouldn't be writing this right now because I'd be in jail or something for manslaughter. I'm a teenager, I'm still just a boy. I don't wanna actually kill someone, but I think that if I don't get some sort of help for this, then I just might.
I'm seeking help on an online forum because if I seek it in real life, I think they might try and send me away to some ward or something and that would mean I couldn't be there for my friend. Please, if anyone has any experience with this, anything that might help slow these thoughts or anything that may help me gravitate towards a healthier manifestation, then tell me. I really don't want to spiral out of control. I'm asking for help before it happens because of my self-awareness and if this can be prevented, that would be ideal.

I am so sorry that you and your friend are going through this , Ghost36 .

I think you know it is imperative that you find someone that you can talk to about this in real life . Does your school have counseling ? Can you speak to your parents or another trusted adult ?

The fear of being "sent away" is stopping you from getting help with this . That is highly unlikely to happen . You can best help your friend by getting yourself back to a healthy emotional state and not harming yourself any further . There is no shame in reaching out for help with something that is overwhelming you .

Please , please seek counseling for this trauma .

Thank you very much. I will try to seek counselling, but I'm deathly afraid of what my parents will think of me if they find out their son (who my mom still thinks is their daughter...I'm transgender but that's another battle and my mom hates transgender people) wants to kill a guy. And if my parents find out I'm this ###$ up in the head then they'll wanna get to the bottom of everything which may result in being outed. But thank you. I really appreciate the reply.

If you feel that you can't talk to your parents right now , are there transgender resources in your community ? It may be that a rape crisis center could also point you in the direction of qualified counseling , even if they are not set up to help you directly .

You do not have to deal with this on your own . As far as you parents are concerned , while they may not understand / relate to what you are going through right now , do you believe that they love you and want the best for you ? Sometimes it's hard to see that and an adult's idea of what could help you through this may be very different from your own .

I know this is a very scary time for you . Big hugs , if you want them . You have your whole future in front of you . You owe it to yourself to make the choices that will give you the tools and self-understanding to make it through this . Even if those choices seem hard right now .

ghost36 wrote:And if my parents find out I'm this ###$ up in the head then they'll wanna get to the bottom of everything which may result in being outed.

This is not a good self-image , nor is it healthy for you to think of yourself this way . Please don't hold yourself up to a stereotype of a "normal" kid and see yourself as flawed . It is just not realistic . Everyone has difficulties in life , many people experience things that make them question themselves and their " normalcy " . We can only strive to be accepting of ourselves as we are , change our behaviors that we feel are negatively affecting us and learn to deal with the difficult times in a healthy and non-destructive way .

I wish you well .

I believe that my parents think they love me, but they've been brainwashed into a cult that has lead them to believe that if I'm transgender, they have to stop communicating with me to please God just because I'm transgender. It's conditional love. My dad however is a lot more understanding and he's even told me he doesn't agree with things like that in the religion, but discussing it with him would be risky because my mom is really, really into it and I run the risk of being caught.
As for my self image, I do think you're right and I have a very bad self image. It's hard to let go of though, especially when I've been raised being told that if I'm anything other than straight and cis, then I'm sick and broken and I need to be fixed. Of course I don't believe that anyone who is other than straight or cis is sick, that would be just awful, but they've tainted my self esteem since childhood. I've known I wanted to be a boy and I liked boys and girls since I was still just a little kid and everything just really builds up.
Thank you again for the advice. It may be easier said than done, but knowing that someone wants to help me find a solution means a lot (not that I think my friends wouldn't want me to, I'm just afraid I'll worry them too much or they'll be scared) and I'm gonna try and talk to my school guidance councillor about it.

I'm glad we could give you a safe place to speak what's on your mind and I'm glad that you have decided to talk to your counselor . I hope they can help you get through this .

I have sent you a PM with some information that you may find helpful .

I understand your fury. I really do but, until you can get help for these feelings, you have got to control them or they will control you and that is the last thing that you want right now.
As you said before you need to be there for your friend and if you get locked away somewhere then, you can't do that.
It would be helpful to get your mind on other things and to stop dwelling on this so much.
The more you do that the more it will hurt and anger you.
I'm not telling you to forget about it but, you need to put it on the back burner for now and focus on getting a professional to talk to about these feelings so that you don't take matters into your own hands.
You're far too young to be throwing your life away. Like I said, find something to distract your thoughts from this for now.