Needing some advice

Hi, I am new to the board. I am a single father, sharing 50/50 custody of my son, 7.

Had a row with my son's mother over homework.
I was calling for help, but admittedly mostly complaining, with the school's lack of clear instructions.
She cut me off because of that and became condescending.
My son got upset.
I lost my cool and said things I shouldn't have.

This is not the first time and it gets worse as I get older. I used to be able to bury it, but it appears that after my son was born and the events surrounding this, something tripped and now I have dealt with the problem by further isolation, to avoid any triggers. Of course, this is impossible. I cannot avoid traffic for example. One trivial trigger. I am afraid, avoiding communication altogether with my son's mother will only hurt my son because he is not receiving any cohesion from his parents, co-parenting. I cannot hide it from my son. I do not take my anger out on him and am fair. But he is witness to my outbursts that occur from time to time. I certainly believe that he is, without knowing, accepting that I am this way.

Its easy to say if you are devoted. Or if you really were, you'd do what you can do fix it. I have been trying. I have been making changes. Some good. Some (isolation) not so good. Its not getting better. I am trying again, here. For something. A starting point. I cannot fix what made me how I am; it seems impossible for me to grow any further and at least raise above the linger effects that are at times really damaging to the happiness, consistency and prosperity I strive to provide for my son.

What do do, where to start?

Cheers in advance for reading

Good morning Jimti, i hope this message finds you well!!

Some suggestions to help you cope with moments of wanting to lose your cool. I know its not easy, i deal with several angery outbursts from frustration by my husband and chuldren with ADHD. Things we have found useful:

▪stop. Do not say anything until you have calmed down (or later you have guilt and or regret- again not feelings we particularly like having

▪breath. In through the noise and blow out through the mouth (smell the flowers and blow out the candles. And count back from ten

▪find more appropriate ways to let out the frustration - take up something physical, sports, working out, go for a walk and clear your mind.

It's hard to think rationally when our emotions take hold...so take a moment

▪find things you enjoy and try to get out as to not be so isolated (perhaps the isolation is part reason for the elevation when having to deal with traffic and others. - we all have to put up a front all day at work and it can be exhausting come the end of the day thay we just let it all out in forms of loosing it.

Take a moment when your not feeling elevated and find what all causes you to feel these emotions. You already know some of your triggers which is wonderful. Now try to think of things that make you feel calm, ask yourself if this could be useful in those moments.

Perhaps when your ex makes you want to lose it, calmly tell her, I'm sorry I cant talk right now, I need a moment right, i will call you back once I've had time to calm down before i say something I may regret later. Im sure she would appreciate it and so would your son.

Keep in mind that you are the father and your son looks up to you and will model your behaviour more so then his mother, because at the end of the day he is growing up and one day will be a man. You are his model as to what a man is, how a man should behave and so on. Perhaps use this. Keep in the back of your mind, what kind of man do I want my son to be. Do I want him to feel the same way I do when things set him off. You probably don't, no one really would, because it really is not a good feelong to have, I'm sure you can agree. Also you are teaching him how to treat a woman. Do you want him tp walk the same path as you have or are? This can also lead to potential problems when he bevomes a teen, anpther thing im sure you would like to have to deal with. Plus your increasing your chances for high blood pressure and heart attacks.

Avoiding conversations with your sons mother is not good at all (kids learn how to play parents at a young age and this would set the stage). I knpw this from my own bringing. My sister use to do this with my parents and how she is an addict.

I'm sure you have been trying and have had some successes and some failure. Don't look at the failure and end all, rather know you are human and will make mistakes (the mistacks dont matter, it's what you do after that does, please remember that)! Your doing great, your learning and looking for help, and that is amazing because some people don't even do that. So great on you for trying!!! You shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

Perhaps talk to your doctor and see of he/she has any suggestions on coping strategies, resources you can utilize to gain tools to help you in moments of tension and frustration. And YOU CAN fix anything, you just need to change your mindset....as long as you thinl you cant, you won't. But if you change this mindset to i can, i just haven't figured it out YET, the dynamic WILL change. You deserve to be happy and your son deserves it too, because at the end of the day how you feel will also affect him.

Goos luck, i hope I helped......you can do this, it may take time, but know you can maybe not yet, but you will get there