Anger and guilt

Hey. I`m new to this forum. Apologies if this has already been covered. Does anyone one else feel guilty about expressing their anger no matter how justified ? I`m very laid back and some people take advantage. However, if I reach my limit and express my anger, I end up apologising for it. I guess I have more respect for other peoples` feelings than they do for mine so I just keep smiling and suppress it.I`ve had some pretty bad anger locked in my head for the last 3 years with no where for it to go because I just bottled it all up.

Hi, Teddy,
Been there, done that.
If I get into a beef with someone I usually try to mend fences, but often I will still harbour resentment. Then I will feel guilty about being dishonest and also guilty that I got mad in the first place. After all, we are taught from infancy that it is bad to express anger. So we grow up with no decent skills to deal with this very basic emotion.
I have to work hard to control my anger and express it in a clear, concise way without saying things that will burn the house down. If someone disrespects me, I will generally turn my back on that person forever. Grudges are not very nice pets; they take up alot of space and they $#%^ on everything. One way I let the anger out when it is just not receding is to write down the entire episode in detail. This helps clarify and vent.
If the person is someone I really want to continue having in my life, I will try to forgive the transgression. But I will also make it clear the person involved shouldn't do it again.
If you have a confidant who is neutral with whom you can talk about your unresolved issues, do so. I am so grateful to have my partner, who has listened to my many anger issues. If my partner is the one who pissed me off, I will talk to my best friend, or write it all down. I have a private folder on my PC full of rants!
Good luck with this bottled up problem. I hope our anger coach weighs in on this. I could use some help on this, too. At least you are not alone in having this problem.

Often we feel guilt after getting angry. Sometimes, it’s false guilt. Other times, the guilt is a good measure of anger mismanagement and over-reaction to anger. How can you determine whether your guilt is true or false?

Here is a questionnaire you could complete after any incidents in which you felt angry:

1. Describe the situation which occurred.

What was the issue?

2. How did I respond?
Did I talk harshly___, loudly___, disrespectfully___, critically___, in a threatening___ or judgmental way___?

Did I make character assassinations?___

3. Was my response measured,___ respectful___, tactful___?

Did I keep to the issue described in question one? ___
I listened___
I paraphrased what was said to me___
I demonstrated empathy (put myself in the other person’s shoes)___
I stated my feelings in a calm manner along with the facts___

4. What could I have done differently?

How could I have responded in a healthier manner?
Used more tact___
Been more respectful___
Kept the tone of my voice down___
Listened more___
Summarized what was said to me___
Showed more empathy___
Stated my feelings firmly but calmly___

Measuring whether your guilt is true or false: In order to determine whether you did something right or wrong - score your questionnaire this way:
1. If you checked anything in question 2 or 4 - your guilt is probably right-on. You most likely should apologize.

2. If you didn’t check anything in question 2 or 4 but, checked many of the items in question 3 - your guilt is most likely false.

Don’t apologize. Take responsibility for your actions and let the other person take responsibility for theirs. If the other person complains that you were harsh or loud - you can apologize that your behavior offended them and that you didn’t intend to do that.

Learn some skills to help you cope with these situations.
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