It's Not Having Anger, It's Being Anger

Anger as a state of being can't be *controlled* and it can't be therapized away. You don't go from being an angry person to being a docile one unless you're laid out on a stretcher being fed Ensure and drugged to the gills.

My entire family were angry people. Every single one. Some played it out maliciously, some passively and some straight out hysterically, full-blown rage.

So I learned from the experts on how to be angry and how to rage. It never really was my thing though. By nature, totally not. It was probably second nature. Something I fell back on in lieu of a useful, productive device to deal with whatever. A lot of the anger got repressed. A lot depressed. A lot of it went straight into the tissues and cells of my body. I used my smile for the world instead. Smiling anger, shy anger, bashful anger, hurt anger, embarrassed anger, resentful anger. All part and parcel of the defence mechanism put into place to ward off other angry individuals. One angry collective circulating anger everywhere. The more anger we circulated the more anger was created. The ripple effect.

I used to listen to loud music to drown out whatever and whoever was pissing me off. I used to smoke. I used to drive, ride my bike. Eh. Not anymore. Times, circumstances. Now I sleep off my anger. I zone out to relax my anger. Anger will exhaust the strongest ones - self included. It's bloody tiring. I've got a lot to be angry about. I am mostly pissed off at hypocrites and stupidity and how that translates into cruelty and psychopathy. I seethe.

I had a lot of curses and hexes thrown at me. I had missiles and rocks thrown at me too. I should write a book but I'm still angry and waiting for the THING, that potion that will clear me from all of this toxic energy. It's all I've got though. Who would I be without this anger? I probably wouldn't be. Period. It's the fire that keeps me going and burning me out. I'd leave a legacy of someone who cared about the abused animals, who lived in world of psychopaths and who lived in isolation because that was the only way anger wouldn't destroy everything in its path.