i want to kill my mother (the crazy bitch)

Now i feel like it's god damn hard to not kill the bitch. I have suffered her abusive behavior for over 20 years of my damn life, i can't take it anymore. now i just get straight angry and rage for every kind of interaction with the bitch. they say that anger have level. it's true. but my level is already high and can't get lower. i want to chop her head off, poison her, burn her, strangle her. i ######6 lash out at her the other day in public because she belittled me with such stupid thing and yeah she's pretty pissed off because no one dares to interfere. other people sees my scary eyes and they back off. that's right bitch not everyone gonna be on your side to cheer on your #######5 action like the damn relatives (######6 animal group) in my family, i still want to laugh remembering this incident that the bitch is too angry/scared to say anything at that moment and when i get back home she started her #######5 verbal abuse where no one else can see her frightened deep down inside. yeah i feel powerful. i am a fighter. i fight to the death not some god damn weak quitter. i just have too much anger inside me. wow i am a ticking bomb. don't know when it's gonna explode. now every time i stare at her, its meaning "go to hell, bitch", or "i want to bury you alive".

One does not choose one's family, so it is okay to distant yourself. Trust me, when everything comes to shove; I am sure you would not want to hurt anyone. You seem but angry and distanted to me. I would not fear your eyes, not for a moment.

If you intend to do whatever it is that you are thinking about, I am sure you are going to regret it for the rest of your days. Realise that you are not only alive right now, but if things goes alright, then you will have a future and what will that future hold? You looking and waving from inside a prison cell? Boy, you have more inside you than that. After all, you are here. If you did not care at all, you would not have written that. If you do have the possibility, then I suggest you distant yourself from your mother and find something else. You won't gain anything from thinking like that, I can assure. Do yourself a favour, boy, and let go. Financial problems are small in comparison. There is always somewhere you can go, even if you are alone.

If you can, then remember what she is doing is only attacking you verbally. If the things she says are not true, then it is alright. It does not matter what people think about you. As long as you know the truth, then screw them! They can say whatever they want. It is only words, and we are much more than that. Much more than some sentence on a page. You perceive through two eyes, so does your mother, but no two eyes are similar. Realise that we are all looking, all feeling! And you will see.

"Consider;
Can the universe be justifiably called infinite? Doubtful.
It may not have an descernable end, but it had a beginning.
And its component parts definitely have a limited cosmologic shell life.
Splitting hairs or not.
If history tells us anything; it is that scientists often make very poor poets.
We are all just a ship of fools chasing phantoms, heedless of what really underwrites natural law"

-- merged --

It should have said "a discernible end" and "cosmological"
Shame I cannot edit it. I was quite drunk when I quoted that. Well, whatever ^_^

Hope you are feeling better.

-- merged --

One last thing. It must sound presumption of me, but I was certain that you are a male. I just read one of your blogs. I have a tendency to act without thinking these days. I am sorry.

-- merged --

Oh, and it is supposed to say "shelf life"
God, I keep finding these mistakes. Cannot help myself, though. Well, I have made this enough about me. I am sorry. Again.

Hi sleepynt,

there was a period in my past when my mother made it next to impossible to live with her. I felt first guilty (she loved her guilt trips), then angry, and then my therapist told me to just cut her off. Distance from her. Don't call, don't visit, don't text, nothing. A few weeks later she sent me another of her messages: "have you died there?" None of the "my lovely son I am worried about you, is there anything going on" for Mom.

That day I called her and told her that I felt abused by her way of communicating and that I will not take it anymore. She started crying. I said that I am putting the phone down and I will call her when she stopped crying. Guess what -- tears stopped magically. I made it clear there were boundaries, and that I would not budge.

That was eight years ago now. My mother is a very different person towards me now, and we actually have a very good relationship. That one period of a month of no contact from me was enough to fix the problem. I think it would be a safer approach for you -- cut her off rather than escalate each other's anger. I'm sure you know how to push her buttons, and in anger you will do so, and then she will retort by pushing your buttons... thermonuclear war follows. This doesn't need to happen. Just because she's your mother it doesn't mean you have to take any abuse she throws your way. And the other way round as well. Just because you share some genes it doesn't mean you're a good fit and have to spend the rest of your days fighting and wasting time you could use to spend time with people that make you feel good about yourself.

Greetings!

I know exactly how you feel. I don't think I'd kill her but she is absolutely nuts. I'm a grown man in his 30s and I feel small often when I'm around women, but especially when I'm around her. The worst part is she shames me and then say why aren't you positive and socializing. That's nothing compared to the other stuff though. She's threatened to kill me, herself, or both of us. She's used "swear on your mother's death" to make sure I do what she wants.

I had a job, and she called me and screamed at me on the phone and told me to quit the job or she'd take away all of my financial support because she didn't think it was a good company. A few months later I couldn't get another job, so she calls and apologizes and asks me to call them and tell them "mommy told you to quit". Yeah, she said for me to call back a company and say "mommy" told me to quit and to take me back. She's delusional. Nobody understands how insane she is.

We recently went on a family trip. She was telling me how I didn't socialize enough (even though I did) and said my cousins didn't like me because of it, and there was a t-shirt she had bought me (she does this a lot by the way)... Oh I have this t-shirt, should I give it to your brother in law? (she knows it's easy to guilt me)..and then she says it's an expensive t-shirt I bought for you. I know that sounds like a little thing I shouldn't be upset about but when a person constantly employs manipulative techniques and guilt to get you to do things, it really gets annoying and frustrating.

The worst part of the trip? We were sitting down (I had one drink, just one), and she said why don't you go and dance. I said I didn't want to, and then made a joke, why don't you go and dance? That made her go insane. She shouted at me that I was drunk, and that she would kill me, and then that she would leave and have nothing to do with me.

Later (and she does this a lot too...she likes to blame things on my psychiatric illness)... she was saying how she'd have me injected, and that I wasn't taking meds and that she knows me (she doesn't, she's delusional and has no idea who I am).. and says she's going to call the doctor. Later on, of course, and this happens all the time... she apologizes and says she knows I wasn't in my "normal personality" (her words) and that I don't act like that when "I don't like her or am angry at her".

The only thing I hate about her is she's nuts. She thinks she knows me, but she doesn't. She's very controlling, and in social situations in particular nothing I ever do is enough, and I feel like a small scared little boy when that happens... I'm incredibly awkward when I'm with her...and she's controlling me now too, she's trying to force me into the jobs she wants me to do. I can't say no to this woman. I hate her.

I've been called "western" and "white" by her as well when I assert my boundaries by the way. When I was younger in my early 20s she would also throw out my clothes, the ones I bought, and the ones given to me by friends. When I was a teenager she didn't like me talking to girls. Once I was diagnosed with my mental illness things got worse because you know, she's delusional, and thinks she's a psychiatrist and has this grand relationship with me where she knows who I am and anytime I behave in a way she's not comfortable with it must be my illness and she'll put me in the hospital or count my pills or force me to come home.

None of what she does is normal.