Ticking in my head

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Dear Otis,
I'm sure you have had professional counseling for the many issues you describe. Note: I do not recommend any of the oranger highlighted links to ads in these posts.
You wrote:

I know I am going to hurt someone. I dont think I want to.
I want to take my life but cant. I wont do that to my mother or sister.

I just want to be happy. Just for a little bit.

This quote summarizes your concerns and goals.

There are no simple answers so, I am going to summarize your issues and goals;

What you are doing is not working.
What you have been through has caused much of your suffering and anger. Some of the main issues you are dealing with are grief and rage towards those who have abused you and your family.
You are taking out that rage on yourself and your present relationships.
Your life is still out of control - in fact, what you describe is very scary.
You are at the edge and could very well harm yourself or someone else - even someone you love.
You posted your concerns - so, you are seeking help.
You do want to live a healthier, happy life.

Here are some ideas for where to start:
1. Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions.
2. Take action in controlling your thoughts and behavior.
You will never be happy or be able to live a healthy life when you have so much hatred towards others and yourself and you allow your feelings to control your actions.

Feelings are the Caboose on the train: Thoughts --- result in --- Actions -- result in --- Feelings.

Happiness is not something you get by going after it. It is illusive. Happiness is a result of viewing and living life based on the beliefs that you have a purpose for living, you as a human being have worth and other people are to be valued and treated as such.
When you think and do what is right - you will feel better about your life.

What's the click in your head? I can't be sure. But, I'll take a guess. Your brain and your fight/flight response have been trained to respond over the years to threatening (perceived and real) situations.

What needs to happen? You may need (or already be on) medication for the issues you describe. But, you can train your brain - your frontal cortex - to take over the emotional brain and make better judgments about situations. This takes some work in identifying your thinking and hot self-talk and making the necessary changes.

If you don't change your thinking - you will never change period. You have bought into the lies of your childhood experiences of abuse that you are insignificant and thus, should be treated like trash. YOu have accepted those lies and now live them out.

Only you can decide whether to change the self-talk and cognitive distortions you live with inside and your behavior.

What about going to your Higher Power? Many people have found that a relationship with God is the turning point in their lives.
We offer many resources on our sites for anger management and personal growth: EDIT
I do hope and pray that you will consider some of the recommendations I have made. Don't keep living on the edge. Don't give up on change. Start taking steps towards growth and health and a better life and relationships. God bless you!