Can't Witness or Feel Anger Healthily; What is This Called?

Hello, all.

I am new here, and I created an account because I am trying hard to figure out what this phenomenon is and whether I can find people that have the same problem. I would see it as Anger Management problems, but a bit different from what the term typically suggests, so I hope you can accept this post on this forum. If any of this sounds familiar, whether it be the term, experience, or anything, please let me know.

Thanks for reading.

So, the core of this problem is that I have an issue when it comes to anger. When I feel it myself, I have a lot of difficulty expressing it (mainly out of fear of backlash or consequences), and so I will internalize it and allow it to continue to gnaw away at me. Last time I felt like I was wronged (will discuss later), I was in a strange "heated numbness" and was like that for about a day and a half. Every now and again times like these will resurface out of nowhere and get me to cringe and relive the situation and emotion again (although I am pretty sure this is just "intrusive thought" and is experienced by all).

But the real problem I have is when I experience anger outside of myself. About four years ago, I witnessed my mother get into an argument with my sister's boyfriend, something that I had nothing to do with, and that triggered my first (what I believe to be) panic attack. I felt hot, my breathing was fast and somewhat painful, I felt light-headed, and without thinking, I ran to the garage and rode my bike to get away, before crashing it a little up the street and crying and shaking.


Ever since then, when I would even so much as hear passive-aggressiveness from complete strangers on the street, I would find myself instinctively coughing loudly or scratching my hair violently or rubbing my ear, anything to keep me from hearing it. When I could not block it out, symptoms to the first attack would onset, with shaking usually being the first to happen. From hearing yelling to listening to others discuss emotional topics to trying to explain how I feel, anything relating to anger and similar emotions causes me to get these symptoms, and I find myself unable to control them.


Coupled with the shame I feel afterwards and how this whatever-you-call-it complicates living in a home with an psychologically unwell mother (clinical depression with mood swings and hostile attribution bias), an emotionally unstable cousin (receives a lot of the hostile attribution bias despite my attempts to help, yet can be manipulative as well), and a little sister in the midst of it all, and you might be able to see why I want to be able to toughen up and be able to handle what is happening and do my best to help.


And it all starts with me finding people like me or a term or something. Once I can understand this problem more, I can find out how others are fixing it and what I could do.


So, please, if you know anything about this emotional phenomenon, please share. I would really appreciate it.