So much hate... And I think its down to my girlfriend...

I hardly know where to start...

Bit of background: I've always had bouts of anxiety, some worse than others but generally ongoing for near on 10 years. I'm 25 so it all started when I was a teenager. I've never 'gone off the rails', ever even started a fight or lashed out at family or close friends. I've got a good education and a great career that I've build up... I've basically done everything that I felt was the right decision throughout my life despite any pent up emotions.

My anxiety is through the roof at the moment and I happen to know that this is due to an underlying anger. The anger surfaces at times when I'm confronted or challenged about something (not a good thing at work), ignored or overlooked, uncomfortable or frustrated with something that's not going as planned. Here's my theory on why and I'd appreciate any feedback on this...

I'm in a relationship and have been for 2 years. I met this girl half way across the country n she's 6 years older than me. When we first started dating she chose not to tell me about her cocaine addiction but I later found out when she ended up in a tough spot with her friends and had to come clean. I'm anti drugs. Don't like them. In any other situation I would have walked away but in this case I felt too invested so I chose to believe her when she told me she wouldn't do it again. She did and has done about 3 or 4 times (that I know of). The last occurance which, I feel, indirectly put me in hospital...

We went out one Friday evening to a local pub to meet a couple of friends. I was aware they took cocaine and were doing that night but i never once thought she would get involved. At one point, one of our friends went off with my girlfriend and took drugs in the toilet. When our friend came back my girlfriend wasn't with her and after a while we had to go looking for her. We found her in the toilet and (to cut a long story short) I was lead to believe she was hiding from 3 guys hanging around outside the ladies... Probably in am effort to cover up the truth. So I confronted the guys (who had done nothing at this point) and one of them smashed a glass in my neck almost killing me.

This all went to court and it was only when I mentioned about discussing drug abuse with my lawyer did my girlfriend tell me she was on drugs and asked me not to mention it at all. This was 6 months after the incident. We are still a couple and recently moved from the area but I think I hate her. She rejected any responsibility for what happened when I confronted her about it. Is this as unforgivable as I think it is or am I just blowing it out of proportion and shifting blame? Maybe I shouldn't have been so reactive (which is her defence).

She can also be physically abusive with me... When she is I can't hold back because I feel like I'm carrying too much weight... I've never hit her but I have pushed her (in retaliation) and on occasion she's been hurt as a result. She then plays the whole 'woman beater' card which in turn makes me think and feel less of myself.

I now don't talk to people as much as I used to. I have no tolerance and even respect for most. I'm very quiet and nervous. I'm abscent minded to the point where I do stupid things...

I don't know if there's a question in all this but any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I'm feeling quite desperate and trapped in my own head surrounded by dark feelings.

Hi Jim, IMO it doesn't matter if its unforgivable per se but if its a deal breaker for you. And it sounds like you've been building resentment towards your gf. If you think you hate her and this all is the cause for your anxiety i suggest you reconsider your rship and what keeps you in it. Good luck.

It sound like you have many things to be frustrated about, but perhaps you don't know how to express yourself without being angry?

Anger management is very difficult, I can related.
One thing I try to remember is that I am not in control of situations, I can't force everything to fall in place the way I want. Things will be out of my control, and I will have to react, but then if you think about it, you will remember that it isn't your fault when things out of your control go bad.

e.g. your girlfriend choses to do cocaine, that doesn't reflect back on you, and that isn't your fault. Or if your girlfriend choses to hit you, that isn't something you have made happen, she does that sort of thing.

Then you can focus entirely on how you respond. She hits you, you grab her wrists and let her know you wont accept that. She does cocaine, you can chose to take off, let her know you aren't with that, or whatever you think is the best way.

Try to remember you aren't in total control of your life, you can control what you do in situations though, and it will be a lot easier if you can avoid getting angry.

one other thing I find about anger.
Anger is something that often gets you exactly what you want. You get mad, you get angry, other people back off. Done,... the problem is the anger is something you have to bear. If you use anger to get things from people you will create corrosive relationships. You will become dependent on the anger, and that will affect how people see you, and what they expect from you.
You will suffer the burden of anger if you allow yourself to think that it is an effective tool for dealing with people.