Why do I want to be a school shooter?

I had no idea where to place this topic so I just chose this one since I have anger issues.

I'm a teenage girl and I wan't to blow up my whole school, literally.

This all started when my english teacher (for some reason) started to talk about how some kids planned a school shooting at the school I go to. These kids were serious about it, they even had guns and materials to make bombs. I walked out of that classroom feeling really paranoid. I became afraid that someone might be planning a school shooting at my school, and I saw potential school shooters in everyone.

I started to research famous school shootings like Columbine, Sandy Hook and Virginia Tech so that I would be prepared if it ever happened. As time went by I started to become less paranoid about it and I actually started to admire these killers. Eventually I started to fantasize about my own school shooting.

I have friends, I have a fantastic family and I am not in any way bullied. I had some conflicts with a girl in my class who thought I was weird because I wore the steriotypical "School shooter outfit", listened to loud music in class and would have random episodes of anger and storm out of the classroom, but that is all sorted out now.

I know that this sounds really sick and horrible, and I think so too. See, I go through these phases of extreme anger, happiness, depression and apathy. These phases usually last about 1 week to 2 months.

At the time where these thoughts began I felt extreme anger, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. At the moment I feel happy, and I don't have these thoughts anymore, but I am afraid that they might return.

I have some symptoms of BPD, but I think that I am too young to safely say that that is the cause.

I felt like there were too many spoiled brats in my school and that they deserved to die. I also thought that God had sent me to earth to help him get rid of worthless people that probably wern't going to do much with their lives. I thought that I was superior to them and I was (and still am) very narcissistic.

I think that it sounds really weird now when I look back on that time, and I sound very delusional.

Let me just make one thing clear:
This is just a fantasy. This is not something that I was very serious about. I felt the rage, the hate, the disgust for people in my school, but I never did anything at all to try to make my fantasies come true. I wanted to do it, but I never actually did anything but daydream. I felt like I needed to do it and if I didn't I would explode out of hate, but I always knew that it was never going to happen since it isn't easy for a kid to get a gun where I live unless you know people in gangs or something.

So my question is:

Is there any way to get rid of these thoughts permanently?
I see a therapist once a month, but if I tell her about this she's going to send me to jail or tell my parents.

50shadesofcool wrote:Is there any way to get rid of these thoughts permanently?
I see a therapist once a month, but if I tell her about this she's going to send me to jail or tell my parents.

I think this is something you do need to discuss with your therapist or another mental health professional in order to keep these thoughts in check. A qualified professional should be able to give you specific strategies to do this.

You cannot be put in jail for the thoughts that go through your head, only for actions you take based on those thoughts. It is encouraging that you seem to understand that acting on these impulses is the wrong thing to do. I think if you present your issues to a professional in the same manner as you have presented them here - that these are intrusive and unwanted thoughts - you can get the help you need.

Is there any way to get rid of these thoughts permanently?
I see a therapist once a month, but if I tell her about this she's going to send me to jail or tell my parents.
50shadesofcool
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By all means go to a psychologist and tell him/her everything right now! he/she will not inform the police unless you reveal a time and place where you are going to hurt someone.

50shadesofcool wrote:I had no idea where to place this topic so I just chose this one since I have anger issues.

I'm a teenage girl and I wan't to blow up my whole school, literally.

This all started when my english teacher (for some reason) started to talk about how some kids planned a school shooting at the school I go to. These kids were serious about it, they even had guns and materials to make bombs. I walked out of that classroom feeling really paranoid. I became afraid that someone might be planning a school shooting at my school, and I saw potential school shooters in everyone.

I started to research famous school shootings like Columbine, Sandy Hook and Virginia Tech so that I would be prepared if it ever happened. As time went by I started to become less paranoid about it and I actually started to admire these killers. Eventually I started to fantasize about my own school shooting.

I have friends, I have a fantastic family and I am not in any way bullied. I had some conflicts with a girl in my class who thought I was weird because I wore the steriotypical "School shooter outfit", listened to loud music in class and would have random episodes of anger and storm out of the classroom, but that is all sorted out now.

I know that this sounds really sick and horrible, and I think so too. See, I go through these phases of extreme anger, happiness, depression and apathy. These phases usually last about 1 week to 2 months.

At the time where these thoughts began I felt extreme anger, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. At the moment I feel happy, and I don't have these thoughts anymore, but I am afraid that they might return.

I have some symptoms of BPD, but I think that I am too young to safely say that that is the cause.

I felt like there were too many spoiled brats in my school and that they deserved to die. I also thought that God had sent me to earth to help him get rid of worthless people that probably wern't going to do much with their lives. I thought that I was superior to them and I was (and still am) very narcissistic.

I think that it sounds really weird now when I look back on that time, and I sound very delusional.

Let me just make one thing clear:
This is just a fantasy. This is not something that I was very serious about. I felt the rage, the hate, the disgust for people in my school, but I never did anything at all to try to make my fantasies come true. I wanted to do it, but I never actually did anything but daydream. I felt like I needed to do it and if I didn't I would explode out of hate, but I always knew that it was never going to happen since it isn't easy for a kid to get a gun where I live unless you know people in gangs or something.

So my question is:

Is there any way to get rid of these thoughts permanently?
I see a therapist once a month, but if I tell her about this she's going to send me to jail or tell my parents.

You have this problem Because you are easily manipulated by what you read or hear.
It is also the reason why you have an anger problem.
Learn to let everything someone writes or says to you go in one ear and out the other.

One idea could be that When you feel angry you are not taking responsbility for your anger and are blaming others. Mood swings would seem to indicate things need to be looked at and I would suggest seeing a counselor or therapist. Also, you need to resolve these feelings NOW before they continue to build up.

Mood swings are normal for a teenager, so are fantasies.

The best way to stop doing and thinking bad things is to do good. Instead of feeding the fear inside yourself feed the confidence. That's called growing up. In my opinion a therapist can't assist with that as growing up has to come from within.

I have fantasies too and I'm a 34 year old man. It's a nice way to relieve the pressure. The way you're interested in school shootings I'm interested in WW2 and can't get enough of them documentaries on Nat Geo. When I was younger I was fascinated by serial killers.

All of that is normal.

Nobody is going to shoot up your school. There is no such thing as a school shooter outfit. You'd better be worried about oncoming traffic, statistically.

If you think you're better than someone prove it on a level playing field. A sport or a competition of some sort. You'll soon learn you're not the best and that the kid you despised can actually do something much better than you can. And you'll have to work hard to beat him the next time.

To conclude, you'll get rid of these thoughts permanently if you start competing somewhere. Sports, science, dance, writing - whatever. Get involved. It's more rewarding than therapy.

As the other posters have stated. I think these fantasies you're having are normal and "revenge fantasies" have pervaded in everyone's mind, at least once in their lifetime. I used to have these fantasies all the time when I was your age and eventually grew out of it. Personally, I just accepted that I had these thoughts and just let it play out, learning to differentiate between fantasy and reality. (It actually helped me quite a bit.) If it ever had gotten to a point in which I couldn't handle it and the fantasies were beginning to become too real is when I would seek help and talk to someone about it, my doctor and they were very understanding about it, so do tell your therapist about your fantasies, just exclude from giving actual details of actually wanting to act out on your thoughts. Then again, if you do reach that point, it may just be wise to just be honest about it anyway.

I was similarly angry at my classmates and the school and the system in general at that age. To me, it wasn't exactly a fantasy and it wasn't exactly something I was taking any steps whatsoever to act on. As a teenager, what media and influences you choose to consume can have some amount of effect on you. Some people will deny what I'm about to say but I think there is a lot of the narrative of the school shooter that is appealing to young adults. Even older people as well. There are usually spikes in such crime when copy-cat killers follow through after someone.

People recommending therapists: sure that could help, but that may not be an easy option.

The reality of it is the investment in this fantasy will likely drift away naturally with time. Finding anything else to focus your time and energy into will provide distraction, and eventually you will move on entirely. That's just how a lot of things work. You put a lot of time and effort into understanding these people, and you even empathize with them and their particular plights. You just need to find better places to put your time and energy.

Ashlar wrote:People recommending therapists: sure that could help, but that may not be an easy option.

The reality of it is the investment in this fantasy will likely drift away naturally with time. Finding anything else to focus your time and energy into will provide distraction, and eventually you will move on entirely. That's just how a lot of things work. You put a lot of time and effort into understanding these people, and you even empathize with them and their particular plights. You just need to find better places to put your time and energy.

this. +1

Did you want to have te courage to kill people?