Never will I understand whether I'm sick or not..

Just want to start off with I have never done this before... Don't really know what to say and how to say it... I'll just write everything that's come to mind...

My father was a really angry guy.. If he wasn't mad about something I did, it was something my mother did... I want to blame my dad for all my anger, now that I have my own kids I see the way he treated me and can't help but see that I'm treating my kids the same way... I look at my children and see the child that I was when I was little... He would scream at me for everything I did.. Whether it was that I learned a new song at school and I kept singing it and singing it until everyone but me was annoyed... Or wether it was that I heard him screaming at my mom and raise his hand as if he was going to hit her, which caused me to cry.... He hated seeing me cry, use to tell me that only girls cry...

Now that I'm older I see myself doing the same thing to my kids... What sucks is that right after I do it, I sit there and just want to cry because I know what is going to end up happening... I even raise my hand at my wife when we fight because of how angry I feel... I have never laid a hand on my wife, and I'm scared that one day I will not be able to control myself.. I hate myself for even being able to say that. Since I dislike people who can't just own up to what they do...

I feel sick, sick in the head... I feel anger, then sadness, that guilt, then anger again, and finally happiness... I see my wife l see my wife looking at me with love but at the same time with hate, hate for everything I put her through...

Am I the only one with really ###$ up thoughts??? With thought of self hatred, paranoa, and twisted imagination?? I don't know wether this is something people are supposed to write or not... I just wanted to get a little bit off my chest... And seriously it feels way better... But I feel like at the end of the day I'm sick and no one will ever be able to understand what if feels like to be trapped in your own head hating yourself because you know that you don't deserve anyone around you.. Anyone who has left your life seem like the smartest people because now you are not a burden to them...

Please let me know if anyone else feel this same way..

I felt the same way. It's hard to sort out what your true feelings are.. My family tried to make me believe I am a sociopath because I wouldn't make time for their negative #######4.
Be kind to yourself and start telling yourself you are worthy of being loved.. Because you are. You have never done anything to make you not worthy of love from anyone.