spontanious combustion

hello everyone!

i am still kind of new to psychforums, and i have posted around a bit, but i haven't been in here yet. so anyhow, i have a problem and i hope someone here can give me some advice on it.

i have bpd with some npd traits, and and i have severe moodswings sometimes. i know moodswings are very normal/common for people with bpd, but it is really the anger outbursts that are worrying me.

i have always been a very reserved, quiet kind of person. most of the time, when i am not having a moodswing or feeling depressed or whatever, i feel like a perfectly calm-cool-and-collected kind of person. i try my best to be mature about my problems and make sure that people don't know all of the stuff that is going on inside of me. even now i still have troubles talking in public and making friends and expressing my opinion (in real life anyway), and even when feel upset or anxious, or i get really paranoid and i feel that people are taking advantage of me or trying to hurt me, i can't confront people, no matter how upset it makes me. i just kind of stuff it all inside. especially at work or around people i don't know that well (sometimes i really get so angry inside i can hear the screaming in my head, and my face turns red, and all i can think about is storming out of my job in a glorious self-righteous fury, or throwing a chair out the window or even at one of my co-workers, or just screaming at people i don't know for no good reason).

but sometimes i will snap. i mean really snap, into very physically violent behavior. mostly around friends and family. something will happen, or i will remember something from my past ( i had a very rough childhood), or someone will make some off-hand comment that doesn't really mean anything, and i will lose all control over my emotions instantly. i will have crying fits. then if anyone, usually my husband trying to talk me down, says anything to further upset me, my head spins and i can't see straight and i will start to scream and cry and bash my head into the wall or hit and scratch him uncontrollably. i also throw things, burn myself, pull my hair, etc. all out of anger. mostly at myself. and it usually escalates as i realize how much i am embarrasing myself. i just get more and more angry and upset. it's like i turn into a tornado of fire that destroys everything it touches (sorry to be melodramatic)!

is this just my bpd or is it related to something else? i thought i was going to have to be hospitalized the other day it was so bad! i am mostly a high-functioning borderline, but when i have an anger outburst i feel so helpless and out of control! it very frightening, no matter how many times it happens it is always a complete suprise. and no matter how many times i promise myself that i will never do it again, i am unable to stop myself. afterwards i can hardly remember anything that i said or did out of anger. i actually feel perfectly fine, if not better than usual, after an anger outburst. (also, this is a recent development in my life. i was diagnosed with bpd when i was 17/3 years ago, but the anger outbursts were never this bad until about 6 months ago.)

i feel like such a bad person. like everyone hates me for all of this. what the heck is going on? how does this happen? why is this happening? how do i stop doing this? i just want some advice on how to cope without destroying my relationship with my husband and the few friends i do have, and without destroying myself in the process (i have blacked out a few times i have hit my head so hard).

thank you for listening.

erin

Dear Erin, thanks for posting your question. I believe much of the problem with anger has to do with your mental health issues. On the other hand, it seems like "holding in" your feelings is not working and that learning to be assertive and expressing your feelings early-on could help defuse your anger.

Hidden anger and negative feelings will trigger unhealthy behavior and consequences. Anger management skills and training should be combined with professional counseling and medication when there are underlying mental health issues.

Why not try to log your anger and find out the triggers and what some options might be for your response. Maybe there are times in the past that you did control your anger. What helped? What did you do differently? I have found that most people have some coping skills for their anger but, they don't use them consistently.

Learning to communicate your thoughts, needs and feelings more openly and early-on rather than later may be a key for helping to manage your anger.