suggestions on forgiving parents and growing up

Now that i am 32 i realized it's about time i moved on.. I realize my parents were both very narsistic and self involved to realize that i was even alive... my stepmother was the other extreme she used her intellegence to manipulate(judging people on how many university degrees they had completed) i was not aloud to be myself (i was labelled as weird for being creative and wearing second hand clothes and dying my hair (hairdresser) they felt people who were good looking,rich and well dressed were more respectfull. they were so ashamed of me that i had to hide from the neighbours. yet my half sister who is a model got rewarded with a car and uni education after they found she had a drug addiction, sex addiction, stealing,lying deppresion etc. I was the so called good daughter that didn't party looked after their children. I had to find my own sprituality and morals as they worshipped money and celebrities.. I am so gratefull for what i have now. I find happiness in simple things like watching a movie on a rainy day, reading a book, having a cup of tea. I never wanted cars or furniture. Yet my simple needs clash with my wish to be beautifull... it is really stupid i know. I keep thinking if i was better looking i would have an acting career or a record contract. ( my anger towards society) But I love all kinds of beauty..I think tatoos and piercings are beautifull as well as bright coloured hair. I think Tori Amos, Pj Harvey, Beth Orton are beautifull as they are quirky, unique,talented and edgy. I wish i was interesting and deep. The only thing that ever brought me real joy was singing but now i am questioning my talent as there is so much competition!Does anyone feel this way. Thank you

I identify with this since my parents are similar in this repect...my brother cannot hold a job and he is 38 years old and living with my parents and they dole out money to him.....I have been on my own since I was 17.....I don't consider myself beautiful and no that is not my picture there....it is just an "model avatar" that they give permission for downloads....

I have yet to live up to my parents expectations and find it hard to forgive them and I am constantly trying to please them....I still find a yearnling to be close to them........

Then another case I identify with you is that I wish I could be one of the actresses and I see the wonderful lives they have and see how empty mine is (which it really is).....I keep thinking what my life would be if I were a celeb.......

I know I didn't give advice as you asked but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone....

Forgiveness is a process and it's hard. Forgiveness doesn't mean you accept abusive or disrespectful behavior. Forgiveness doesn't mean that the offender is exempted from consequences.

Forgivenss means letting go of the resentment and anger. Forgiveness means that you are no longer imprisoned by someone else's offense.

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When I was a kid my mother was angry, her husband was angry, I was angry and even their friends were angry. Just a seething hornets' nest of angry people. Not that we didnt have some happiness in our lives, but we didnt share ourselves with each other very easily because of all the explosive rage.
My mother died recently of profound physical and mental deterioration.She had been a viper at times. Her husband, who lovingly cared for her for 50 years, still struggles with anger issues. I have given him a pass on the verbal bullying he used to foist upon me when I was a kid. It took years to for me to forgive him. I hated him so much at one time that I dreamed I shot him with my 38. I still am careful around him, but no longer hate him. I have also forgiven my mother. With age comes perspective. I have come to see what in their lives led to so much anger.
The lesson I have taken to heart in from this life experience is to not pass such poison on. One of the reasons I keep cats as companions is they are excellent barometers of human emotional weather. I cherish calm and tranquility in my inner and outer life.
Its not easy to forgive and move on. It takes practice. Its worth it, though, to be able to lay down such a heavy load and let something better, like enlightenment and compassion, fill the gap.

Thought-provoking quote:

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

EDIT

angercoach wrote:Thought-provoking quote:

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Right On!
One other thing that I've had to deal with is the sadness and regret that all the anger caused us to fear loving each other, especially now that my mother is dead.
I'm not going to exactly leap into her husband's life with open arms, as I still am wary of him. But when I think of him now I feel a wave of something nice, maybe it is compassion. A big generous feeling, whatever, and I like it.

Very good posting Puma.

I have trouble with the concept of forgivness myself. I dont think i have it in me. I have enough hate for a few live's over. And i feel i need it, not so much though. I feel small amounts are healthy and keep me safe. Yet i'm in no way passing this on as a way to be for anyone. But it's good just for me.

I liked your post, found it....for lack of a better word uplifting.

Outside of my personal comfort and on a genereal scale do you think hate is ever good?.

Jeebuz wrote:Very good posting Puma.

I have trouble with the concept of forgivness myself. I dont think i have it in me. I have enough hate for a few live's over. And i feel i need it, not so much though. I feel small amounts are healthy and keep me safe. Yet i'm in no way passing this on as a way to be for anyone. But it's good just for me.

I liked your post, found it....for lack of a better word uplifting.

Outside of my personal comfort and on a genereal scale do you think hate is ever good?.

Hi Jeebuz,
I'm glad you liked my post. Thank you.
I look upon hate as part of being human. It's there for a reason or we wouldnt have it. Its kind of like nuclear energy, a little goes a long way, and it is toxic so should be handled with great care. There are some people I hate. Foremost are those adults who make their children into suicide bombers. This makes me livid. I'm not going to list all the hates I have, as I dont want to instigate a meltdown in my soul. If hate can be used to motivate someone to do something good, like a scientist who hates cancer and is impelled to find a cure, then hate can be useful. The kind of hate that is a grudge hate for past wrongs, and self loathing hate, and bigoted hate..well, lets throw those in the trashbin.

This is an update to my previous post.
Yesterday I called my mother's husband to see how he is doing. He likes to talk and is very good at communicating, although the key with a successful dialogue with him is to let him do the majority of the talking. He is interesting so I don't mind.
We talked about my mother's ailment, Parkinson's disease, which in her last few years left her in a rigid, paralytic state unable to speak or respond in other ways. She was in there but she could'nt get out. Oh, God! Excuse me.
It turns out that she had first started having the symptoms of Parkinson's when she was only 36, and I was 14. She and her husband used to love to dance, and were so good at it they won competitions. Then, seemingly overnight, she lost the ability to keep time to the music, and got clutzy, not like her former self at all. She became very depressed and unavailable to us emotionally.
We all knew something was wrong, but decades went by before her husband, through medical research and proper diagnosis, figured it out.
So when I said earlier that he had cared for her during a long period of physical and mental decline, it had been over 50 years, not just a few. He related all the symptoms through the years to me, and I correlated my observations with his. I came away from this conversation with greater insight and compassion for him and for my mother, much deeper than before this revelation.
This is being a cathartic experience for me.