Relationship in Shambles

Hello,
I will try to give the short version for I need help and guidance.
I have been with this girl for almost two years and our arguments are like other couples I assume but on some occasions I tend to get more upset then I should and throw, break or say horrible words to her that I know I should not. Personally I do not like arguing and if there is somethings wrong Id like to just be told about it and then move on. The way these arguments tend to go from my perspective is that something happens and she tells me about it and I feel like she has a certain tone in her voice and I try to say my side of the issue so that she may understand, not necessarily saying that My reason made it right or anything but just so she can see where I might be coming from. This tends to make the issue worse because she wants me to just admit that I was wrong and not try to 'get out of it' overtime the constant bikkering gets to us both resulting in me telling her to stop over and over as if to give me some time to explain my side again and she gets upset like I am trying to shut her up, sometimes this is the case and I know its wrong but its almost like she is saying something that is completely wrong and before she finishes I have the mindset to stop her and set it straight.
She trys to explain to me and I to her resulting in her wanting to leave and telling me to leave her alone, It takes me a few times but I finally leave and give her space but now I am more upset that she just wants to walk away and not listen to what I have to say, I look for the nearest thing near me and throw it and say a few bad things to her as well as break something. (last time i threw a bag back onto the bed, and broke a do not disturb sign and said she was being a bitch)

all of this has resulted in her saying she does not want to be with me because she feels like one of these days I will hit her. I know or well I guess id like to thing that I would never do that and at least in my right mind I know I wont. My problem is I never want it to get like that. I already feel horrible. I care a lot about her and my actions are causing this to go away. I have tried to go to counseling before but i feel out of place, not to say I am better but I don't have built up anger fits throughout the day or week it is just occasionally when we argue. either way I have some anger Problems and I really need to figure out how to handle them, Any advice helps.

wccjester,


Anger is a very tricky thing to control and an even trickier thing to understand. I myself used to have an anger problem, and there would be many times when I would have to go in the backyard and break stuff. My anger did not stem from a relationship, like yours, but what I did learn to control it could help you out.
I remember watching a study done by I believe Stanford university. They had two test groups of students. Both test groups were given the assignment to write an essay individually. They sat in a room by themselves and wrote the paper. After each student was done and they handed the assignment in for evaluation through a window to the teacher, they waited for it to be returned to them. When it did return, they received a bad grade and very critical remarks, regardless of quality.
Test Group A was then asked to take 15 minutes to chill out and relax and think about what happened. After the fifteen minutes they were given a sheet of paper where they had to fill in the blank letters on a piece of paper. Some examples were K__L, D_E, _AD, ST__, etc. In Test Group A, the words that were produced from these students were non-aggressive like RAD, STEW, DOE, and KOOL.
Test Group B was given a pillow to punch to vent their frustration for 15 minutes. They were given identical sheets of papers to fill out as Test Group A, but instead produced papers with aggressive words like KILL, DIE, BAD, and STAB.

The point of the study was stacking aggressive behavior and negativity actually creates even more of a problem, rather than less. So, in your case, when you argue with your girlfriend and get to the point where you become violent, you are actually becoming more of a threat to your own mental health as well as her's as well.
I used to become angry very quickly, for no reasons sometimes, and I would blame it on others around me. But now, every time I get angry, I just find a quiet place to be, take lots of deep, slow breaths, and try to not think about whatever it was that made me angry. This isn't much of a problem anymore for me, but I did adopt mediation into my life and it really reduces your stress.
I would recommend whenever you get into an argument, do not raise your voice because it forces your girlfriend to raise hers as well as a way to protect herself. The rising volume rises your anger, and pretty soon you're violent. You can have an intellectual conversation and defend your beliefs, but you also have to respect those of others and try to come to a compromise. Other people you're around reflect your energy, and if you do not want them to become angry and violent, you have to be the one to lead the positive and calm energy.

I hope this could help you out! Anger is not a fun thing to fight because it usually wins. What you can do is learn to avoid it and live in peace and harmony. Good luck my friend and let me know if you have questions!