I know what it is, I just don't know what to do about it.

I have a great deal of internalized anger that is causing me to feel depressed and very irritable most of the time. I used to be content and enjoy life, so the contrast makes me feel even more anger. It used to be just my husband and I, and we were very happy. My granddaughter was murdered, and we took custody of my surviving granddaughter, who has Down Syndrome. We live in a rural area, we have no support system, no one to babysit. We have been out of the house together, just the two of us, twice in the past year. We own a small business that my husband runs, I work full time and come home to help with the business, I take classes on line. I cannot finish my nursing degree because there is no one to care for her in the evening, she is too old for my husband to bathe her and help her dress. I love her very much but I can't help wishing I could have my life back. She talks constantly, most of it unintelliglble, until I want to scream. We can't hug each other without her wanting in on it. We can't eat a snack without her wanting some. I am having trouble typing this because she won't stop talking to me. I had to give up my dog because she kept picking him up by his leg, I couldn't chance her hurting him seriously. I feel a great deal of resentment toward her and then ashamed of myself for feeling that way about an innocent child who has suffered so much already. My son, her father, is getting on with his life, starting a new family, and leaving me to deal with this. I feel resentment toward him as well, although I feel he deserves it, she doesn't. I have to find some sort of outlet for all this anger. As it stands, I just go outside for a bit and hope no one bothers me. I know that what we need is some time for ourselves on a regular basis, but it's just not possible. I've searched high and low, and there is no one that can help. If anyone has any suggestions that I may not be thinking of, I could sure use the help.

HI, you are not alone. I commend you for taking care of your grandaughter. It sounds that you are grieving many things at a time. I think it's good that you are seeking to talk to other people about your anger. One day at a time, my friend. It takes time to heal...
About your nursing career- there are many online programs that later on you can explore. Life is not over! Try to take care of yourself. Get plenty of sleep and rest and try to eat well. Go to church or seek spiritual guidance. God did not abandon you.
Take care,
Zeenia

Hi, Firemom--

I read your post and i was moved to respond. I hope that I do not cross and boundaries from what I write.

First of all, I am sorry to hear about the traumatic loss of your granddaughter.

First of all, I understand where the frustration/guilt/anger comes from. I know from friends and a little bit of my own life that dealing with a disabled person can be demanding and overwhelming, especially if you do not have any outside help.

It sounds as though your son, your granddaughter's father, is pretty stable and is "getting on with his life." Is there any way for you to set some boundries with your son and have him take up some of the responsibility for his child? It may be difficult and more upsetting in the short term, but I find it difficult that he cannot or will not take responsibility for his child. Can he at least contribute financially, find more resources for you, or take her at least part time to give you time for yourself and your husband--even if you have to take him to court?

Also, for some help in resources, does your state have a Board of Mental Retardation/MRDD (it is called different things in different states) that could assist you in finding help, even in a rural area? I know you said you've searched high and low, so I am not sure what that means. Is there a hospital anywhere nearby that could assist you? An adult day care center? A church network that could help/volunteer to give you some free time? Does your granddaughter qualify for any disability benefits, etc.?

Again, I am sorry if you have done all this, or cannot due to your rural setting(or do not live in the US--I am not sure the resources in other countries). It is just my heart goes out to you in your struggles and I applaud you courage to admit your limitations, your needs, and to express your anger--I think anyone in your situation would be overwhelmed, resentful, and angry, even if they would not admit it. You cannot be good/take care of others if you do not take care of yourself.

Take care and let us know how you are doing.

Thank you so much for your reply. My son works a lot of hours and the woman he married is so cold to my granddaughter that I can't stand the thought of her being alone with her. I don't trust her at all. She ignores her completely and snaps at her all the time. My granddaughter lived with them for a short time and she lost a lot of weight and was diagnosed with failure to thrive. No matter how desperate I am for respite, I can't send her back into that for even a short time. We do have a board of MRDD here but it is long distance to call and I am not permitted to call from work. They are closed when I get home. I have taken an hour of vacation time to try to call them in the morning. We do receive disability benefits for her, but it is not enough to allow us the luxury of a sitter. It took months to get it started and during that time we had to file ch 13 bankruptcy since we couldn't afford to take care of her, but had to. The court now takes all of our disposable income, we get just enough to get by. Keep me in your thoughts as I call MRDD tomorrow and try to get some help. Again, thanks for caring, it helps to know that there is someone out there who cares about our family.

I got a call back today from the MRDD Board. We are eligible for 35 hours per month of respite care. It feels as if a tremendous load has been lifted! Within a couple of weeks we may actually be able to get some sanity and normalcy back.

Firemom 31--

I am so glad that you were able to get some assistance from MRDD! It sounds as if the respite care is just what you need.

I am also sorry to hear about the situation with your son. It sounds as if you and your husband, however, are exceptional people, and you granddaughter is so lucky to have you both in her life. Even though it sounds as if it has been rough for awhile, I hope that with MRDD you can return to some balance of normalcy.

Good luck with eveything you are doing, both for your family, your graddaughter, and your own dreams. Again, it seems as if you are a courageous and exceptional person--one to be admired for doing all you can--more than most could do.

Please keep posting if you need to blow off steam. Again, best wishes!