Venting My Anger At My Father

I just "outed" my father on a message board; he's a legend in the music industry and people think he's a god. He has abused me all of my life and it feels so good to tell the truth about what a monster he is. God, it feels so good. It was scary at first, because my inner child has NEVER been able to vent any anger (I'm 49) but I'm feeling better about it now. I recently found out he has a failing heart and the first thing that went through my mind is "The monster is dying!" Has anyone else felt this way?

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Dear Friend, I'm not sure what you mean when you say: "the monster is dying!"? Are you relieved? Is there some feeling of empathy towards your father - though he has caused you so much pain?
I wonder if you can start the road towards healing right now? What will it take to forgive him? Would you consider taking steps to confront him with your hurt and pain without hostility or hate and tell him you want to reconcile? What will it be like after he is dead? Will you regret that you never tried to forgive and reconcile?
My father was abusive towards us. I learned with the help of God to forgive him - it was a great relief and brought healing.
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"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." M. McCourt

Yes, I am relieved. I know that sounds cold but the abuse by him and my mother has been so severe that all 3 of us children tried to committ suicide when we were teenagers. My brother and sister have both been in mental institutions. I am the youngest. I've been in therapy most of my adult life and I have done EVERYTHING humanly possible to get better. I've done Gestalt, psychodrama, analysis, inner child work (John Bradshaw), anger letters, and yes, I have confronted my parents many times. My father has said; "If we're such horrible people, why don't you just leave us alone?" That's the closest he's ever come to admitting to the abuse.

My parents live a double life. My father is gay and my mother used to be a sex addict and a lesbian. She would leave me at her girlfriend's house overnight when she was out whoring around. She didn't do much to hide it. My sister incested me for several years, starting when I was 12. She is 4 years older than me. My brother has IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder) and bangs his head til it bleeds to "get the pain out". And, for the record, my father is Bruce Swedien. Google his name to find out who he is in the music industry.

I know you are angry, but Angercoach is right about forgiveness. It is actually the only way to heal that kind of anger. The only way to feel real peace in your heart and sanity in your head. My childhood was surely not as tumultuous as yours but there was some co-dependency and other issues and I went through depressions and a number of psychiatrists.

I always did have anger and it really came to a head when I lost my Father. I actually felt hate for my Mother. I couldn't tolerate even being in her presence. I actually had to stay away from her and get counseling to get my head on straight again. I had to face all of the disappointments and times that she let me down during my childhood and as an adult. She did not reach out to me when my Father died and I felt completely abandoned. All she could do was feel sorry for her own self and to me she looked black and ugly and mean. Ugly inside and out. Death can bring peace or it can bring hate and anger. I was eventually able to feel at peace about my Father but it took a long time to see that my Mother is who she is and she may never change because she simply chooses not to. It is I that can choose to change.

Through time and counseling I was able to see that my Mother is just a human being and that even though she may be a weak human being, she is still my Mother. I can forgive her behavior but realize that I can not change her, I can only change me. I had to let go of the hate. I had to be bigger then the hate and I could only do that with forgiveness and letting it go. My Mother did eventually stop being so angry and hateful and our relationship is mended, the difference is that I know what to expect without the "expectations". Sorry so long a post, I just felt for you when I read your post. Hope something I said may have helped a little. Dee

I know all about forgiveness. I think I'm getting closer to forgiving them. How do you forgive parents who have sadistically abused you all of your life? It's hard. I know I must do it for myself, not for them. I can never forget what happened. But you're right, forgiveness is essential. I have a question for you, Dee: why do you capitalize the words "mother" and "father"? I hope it's just a grammatical error and not a Freudian thing. Anyway, thank you for your input on the situation. I'm happy for you that you're able to have a decent relationship with your mother. I wish I could. I feel such a sense of loss and grief. Do you have a hard time making female friends? I do. I think it's because I never had a decent female role model and my mother's only girlfriends were whoring around with her. I have 2 girlfriends but I seem to keep them at a distance. My wonderful husband is my best friend.

Angercoach- in answer to your question; yes, I have tried to confront my father but he refuses to talk to my brother and I. I release my anger and resentment by confronting the original source of the pain; my parents. I am not into resentment. I am a firm believer of telling the truth and venting, when necessary, at the original source of your pain. That way, it won't come out sideways at someone else. I want to be happy, and for the most part, I am happy. But I'm human and I have bad days. My writing has been a fertile ground for release.

Forgiveness is a choice and it is a process. It sounds like your parents' issues (addictions, narcissism?, etc.) prevent them from having healthy relationships.
The perspective I took about my father was that he was lost - a sinner - unable to change unless he wanted to change. I looked at him as the 'real victim' of himself and satan. It helped me to get past the hurt and forgive.
I'm not into 'cheap forgiveness'. I believe one needs to confront the perpetrator and hold him/her responsible. Forgiveness doesn't mean there are no consequences for the offender.
Sounds like you are working through the turmoil of the past. It will take time because you are right- it is a grieving process. May God bless you and bring complete healing to your life.

"Dee: why do you capitalize the words "mother" and "father"? I hope it's just a grammatical error and not a Freudian thing."

No, it's not an error. It is just something that I have always done. I capitalize Aunt and Uncle too. Regarding making friends with women, I am able to make friends with them but I am more intimidated by them then men. There are certain personality types like type A personalities and controlling and authoritative women that I tend to keep my distance from when I can. Of course there are some that I have to work with and I just deal with them the best that I can.

About your own parents, I can understand it being much harder for your to let go of all the terrible things you've described and it may take you some time. You don't even necessarily have to confront them and say anything. Only you have to know that you have forgiven them and just let go what happened. For me, accepting the fact that my Mother may never change and not having expectations anymore helped me to move on. I look at it this way, that I am an adult now, I have my own life and no one can control it but me. I am free.

It took me a long time to get to this point, but when I finally did, I was able to feel some peace in my heart and mind and even physically. I had colitis real bad after I lost my Dad and now I am finally feeling better. Holding in the anger and bad feelings was actually making me physically sick and in letting it go, I am now healing both emotionally, mentally and physically. I actually had to stay away from my Mother for a while. It hurt her, but it was the only way to get my head on straight.

In your life, if there is any hurt continuing, you may want to back away and put a little bit of time and distance between you and your parents. That worked for me, maybe it will help you. Wishing you only the best and wishing you peace in your life. Dee

Yes - these posts hit home. The worst thing is that my mother has been dead for 14 years and I have been in denial up to the last year or two. (I'm 50 years old) So there is no way I can confront her. To think that she actually kicked me in the shins which is almost as bad as being spit upon, in my opinion. I am outraged and enraged. She was an alcoholic and was as bad sober as she was when she was drunk. I hate to keep belaboring her influences on me, but her power on me was strong and my father just stood by while she battered us and supplied her with Valium to take on top of her alcohol. (He's a doctor). She would even tell him to hit us with his belt and he would. I can't confront him because he's 94 and continues to be in denial. I know that I wouldn't get through to him. The fact is that I hate my mother. I don't like to admit that. It makes me feel guilty because of my Catholic upbringing. Jesus in the Gospel tells us that we are to love and not hate. I light candles and say prayers for her soul in church, but I feel numb afterwards. In doing that, I'm hoping to assuage my guilt. no luck. Forgive her? That's a tall order. Hopefully, through my attempts at reconciling my past, I will forgive her and look more favorably on her. I suspect that sexual abuse would have been worse, but I'm deeply marred by this physical and emotional abuse and sometimes can't see an end to its effects on me. The road to health is long. I go to ACOA meetings and it seems like such a long process to achieve peace.

And that's my piece. Sorry for the verbosity and thanks for any input anyone might have.

Martha