Wish I could take it all back. How to start over?

My anger has always driven me. Always felt righteous, too. But there's someone in my life now and I wonder sometimes if I'm really willing to lose him over the things I get angry about.

I have a hard time saying sorry.
I have a hard time seeing myself as "wrong" about anything. The philosophy I use to justify this would probably work. . . if I allowed it to apply to anyone but myself. I am swift to label someone else's ideas or feelings as "wrong".
I've threatened our friendship.
I've threatened to take back certain favors.

I've told lies on top of lies to the point where we've both established that I am a liar, unworthy of his trust as of right now. I, in turn, refuse to admittedly trust him. I use that to hurt him, too; the fact that his distrust gives me reason not to trust him, and therefore, to remain dishonest in order to protect myself.

But now, I get so emotional and I stop thinking. My lies and blow-ups are getting even more ridiculous and although I'll never admit it or show it, I am very embarrassed. He knows that I am emotionally disturbed and it's getting to the point where we can't progress as friends unless I change something drastically. Just the embarrassment alone causes me to act silly. And I've pushed him about as far as I think he's going to go. I admit, I've managed to guilt and rationalize him into someone more manageable for me. I figured that instead of learning how to deal with my triggers in a different way, I'd make him stop imposing them on me. But my strict rules are imposing on his comfort and freedom, too.

Sometimes I wonder why he even wants to be friends with me. It's such a good question that it makes me suspicious of his motives.

To be literal, there isn't a "start over" option. The two of you are friends. With the history of that friendship, the good and the bad. I can totally understand wanting to begin again. But wonder if there's a smaller change you can make. That asks you to accommodate him, or to tackle a trigger directly, rather than by avoidance. Building on that change seems like a longer-term option for improving things.

You're very insightful and in how you describe your situation. So I don't think I'm asking a silly question. [Though I might be ] If it wasn't you, if you were reading your post as if someone else here had written it. Where would you suggest they start? What small step could they take to put things on a healthier footing?

Ada wrote:To be literal, there isn't a "start over" option. The two of you are friends. With the history of that friendship, the good and the bad. I can totally understand wanting to begin again. But wonder if there's a smaller change you can make. That asks you to accommodate him, or to tackle a trigger directly, rather than by avoidance. Building on that change seems like a longer-term option for improving things.

You're very insightful and in how you describe your situation. So I don't think I'm asking a silly question. [Though I might be ] If it wasn't you, if you were reading your post as if someone else here had written it. Where would you suggest they start? What small step could they take to put things on a healthier footing?

Thank you.

Well, the "my anger has always driven me" part would have automatically made me recommend therapy/a self-help book. There's one self-help book in particular about anger management that I use to have and read it frequently. It helped a bunch, but when I lost it along with some other belongings, I no longer had that guide. But it really helped me understand my anger and the situations that make me angry, a lot better.

(Maybe I should try purchasing it again when I get the chance.)

I would suggest that the person tries swallowing their pride. Being unwilling to admit to embarrassment - especially to the person you feel it around the most - could be a terrible thing. I would advise the poster to talk to their friend about how silly and ashamed they feel, and how much anger has been a problem for them. This could take a huge load off their shoulders, re-establish some trust between the two friends and help the relationship move forward. Sounds like this person uses their anger as a weapon against their friend. Maybe if they exposed it as a vulnerability, their friend won't be so put-off by it, and may be able to help.

I would only suggest doing this when they're ready, though.

First and foremost, they need to understand that their anger is not "righteous" nor "wrong". It is anger. It's only as good or bad (in my opinion) as it is to the quality of the person's life who is feeling it. You have no reason to be ashamed of your feelings, so there's no reason to go to such lengths (lying; rationalization) to "justify" it.

That's all I got. And actually it was a great question. Made me think.

I'm glad you wrote about what you thought. Your last paragraph in particular resonates with me. [I have problems expressing anger. So in a way, the opposite. But what you said still applies and makes deep sense.]

Ophiuchus wrote:My anger has always driven me. Always felt righteous, too. But there's someone in my life now and I wonder sometimes if I'm really willing to lose him over the things I get angry about.

I have a hard time saying sorry.
I have a hard time seeing myself as "wrong" about anything. The philosophy I use to justify this would probably work. . . if I allowed it to apply to anyone but myself. I am swift to label someone else's ideas or feelings as "wrong".
I've threatened our friendship.
I've threatened to take back certain favors.

I've told lies on top of lies to the point where we've both established that I am a liar, unworthy of his trust as of right now. I, in turn, refuse to admittedly trust him. I use that to hurt him, too; the fact that his distrust gives me reason not to trust him, and therefore, to remain dishonest in order to protect myself.

But now, I get so emotional and I stop thinking. My lies and blow-ups are getting even more ridiculous and although I'll never admit it or show it, I am very embarrassed. He knows that I am emotionally disturbed and it's getting to the point where we can't progress as friends unless I change something drastically. Just the embarrassment alone causes me to act silly. And I've pushed him about as far as I think he's going to go. I admit, I've managed to guilt and rationalize him into someone more manageable for me. I figured that instead of learning how to deal with my triggers in a different way, I'd make him stop imposing them on me. But my strict rules are imposing on his comfort and freedom, too.

Sometimes I wonder why he even wants to be friends with me. It's such a good question that it makes me suspicious of his motives.

The next step is to forgive yourself. You took the first step already which is to identify and accept your mistake. instead of questioning his motives why not take it as a blessing adn be thankful for having him as your friend. Good luck

I enjoyed this thread. As a previous poster said, it was insightful and almost poetic. As someone who has managed a fairly healthy relationship with someone who is my polar opposite, (she is easy going and carefree) I can tell you I have learned to admit when I am wrong, frequently. I also make it a point to tell her when I am working on a particular segment of my disorder and the steps I am taking. One example was this forum. I told her that I joined an anger management forum and am trying to work through some issues and then updated her on the topics as I worked them.

You can never start over, but you can begin to fill in the potholes.

Hi Equilor. Welcome! I agree with you 100% "You can never start over, but you can begin to fill in the potholes."

It is really up to us on how we'll look at things - cup half empty or cup half full. At the end of the day it is how you perceive things.

You do seem to have insight into the problems you have.

I don't have any miracle suggestions, but I am curious, you are talking of a friendship not a relationship?

Do you have many friends?

You definitely need to work on being more honest, and trying to build trust, because trust is fundamental to healthy friendships and relationships.

You can't start stuff over that's already happened, but maybe that's not a bad thing. If you could turn things around then you'd have been through a lot with the other person rather than it being a blank slate and shallow.

I've told lies on top of lies to the point where we've both established that I am a liar, unworthy of his trust as of right now. I, in turn, refuse to admittedly trust him. I use that to hurt him, too; the fact that his distrust gives me reason not to trust him, and therefore, to remain dishonest in order to protect myself.

When a person distrusts you because you've shown you can't be trusted, distrust is not the same as treating a person as an enemy. You can treat a person you don't trust with decency, but you won't expect things of them, and might not choose to communicate/divulge certain things or share certain emotions. Its a position of less information and no expectations, not a position where you are a target or may be treated badly.

For a really basic material example, if your friend knows where some treasure is, if he trusted you he would tell you and you'd go looking for it together. If he doesn't trust you, he might not tell you, but she might ask you to do things which help him find it without explaining why. When he finds it, he could then still give you your share, and explain afterwards.
I don't know if that actually explains anything at all, or just sounds like a stupid story about some treasure

Sometimes I wonder why he even wants to be friends with me. It's such a good question that it makes me suspicious of his motives.

Examine your own feelings about this, you might find it helpful.

It reminds me of my own reactions to "emotional prejudice". I've spent a lot of time thinking "if people knew what I really think and feel, they wouldn't like me". when actually, it might be the case many of them might just roll their eyes and go ahh, one of those and make some kind of joke about lost causes. they don't need to dislike me as long as they know where they stand and I'm not trying to screw with them and send them round in circles or telling them I feel they're all like sisters to me or something when actually the truth is closer to "yeah I guess I like them - they're OK. but I'm really quite detached."

So its a lot more like, OK, so I know you're a liar... I won't ask you to feed my cat because I won't know if you really did unless I use a tape measure to see if its got skinnier

would suggest that the person tries swallowing their pride. Being unwilling to admit to embarrassment - especially to the person you feel it around the most - could be a terrible thing. I would advise the poster to talk to their friend about how silly and ashamed they feel, and how much anger has been a problem for them. This could take a huge load off their shoulders, re-establish some trust between the two friends and help the relationship move forward. Sounds like this person uses their anger as a weapon against their friend. Maybe if they exposed it as a vulnerability, their friend won't be so put-off by it, and may be able to help.

That reminds me of what I was thinking myself too about different ways of interacting with people and relating to them, and how practical vulnerability doesn't have to be the enemy, but the same could be applied to emotional vulnerability.

You definitely need to work on being more honest, and trying to build trust, because trust is fundamental to healthy friendships and relationships.

But if you don't understand why on a personal level, sometime you'll probably get an "ahhah" moment. I don't think its something words can convey.