Trying to deal with my boyfriend..

Hey guys, new to this forum and i'm looking for some advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and we have been arguing a lot throughout that time. First it was my stubbornness, then him, then I... so I finally stopped doing what I was doing and started realizing what I was doing wrong. He has yet to realize his mistakes and it is really hurting us on a daily basis. When he is calm, he is the sweetest person ever. We have plenty of great times together. But I really think he has anger issues. He flips out to everyone around him. No food in the house? Picks up the phone to cuss his mom out. Somebody cuts him off? Gets furious like no other. Everytime it happens, i ask him to stop, and ask him if it was worth it, which it never is. Then he calms down. But what I want to see is him not get so furious all the time. I stopped smoking because he hated it, but he clearly knows I have an occaisional cigarrette when we go out or w/e. but when he sees the me place pack in my bag, he threatens to break them. Like, how many times did I tell you to be thankful I actually stopped smoking 95% of the time? I was working out at the gym at school, running a treadmill for 40 min. blasting music. Out of nowhere he pulls me to get off, which I had no idea he was even there. He is making a huge scene in the gym, and I could not calm him down. He was furious because he had to practice for a presentation, and he needed to get something out of the car to which I had the keys to. Its not my fault you knew I had your keys and you knew I was going to the gym. He could have went with me to the car earlier. He takes out his anger on me for his own actions. He makes fits often when it comes to drinking and partying. He gets upset when I have multiple tabs up. He gets upset if my computer is running slow, and he gets upset if he doesnt get what he wants now. I'm so sick of this. When I explain to him that he has to change, he understands and even cries because he doesn't want to lose me. But then it happens again the next day and I see no change. He blames his actions on his "anxiety" which is just an excuse to be pissed. I love him, and I want to try my best to help him control his anger in situations where it is sudden, and public. Even when we are alone. How can I do this?

You cannot change other people. In order to control his anger, your boyfriend has to want to change and work on himself.

From what you've said, it does not sound like he wants to. It sounds like he takes his anger out on you. You don't deserve that. As tough as this may be to hear, if your boyfriend does not show signs of improvement, the best thing for you may be to leave him.

I dated a guy very similar to your boyfriend once, and finally left him when I realized he wasn't going to change. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Yeah, this is why I hate furious people.. or at least people who don't know how to control their anger properly at inappropriate times.

What if, one day, everything he valued becomes nothing but piles of sh!t and he takes out the anger on himself?

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy actually.
Perhaps we need a bit of Shakespearean and conduct the Taming Of The Shrew on him.


Tell him you are sick of his crap and that one day he might lose everything he values and then he will realize what he really had was not not worth getting angry about.

true.. its been really hard to deal with. it causes me to get angry or annoyed for no reason, which can trigger him to become furious
I just hate it though, thinking about leaving him, because he is very lost as a person in general.
hes been going to school for 5 years now, and he still needs one more year to earn a degree. but he is not the brightest and I feel its not right for him. He has such a hard to speaking to a group of people and is socially awkward. I feel like I can't leave him because I would never want to leave him in the position he is in. I give him plenty of advice about his life choices and he does treat me right. Just once that anger is in him, its hard to stop. He usually apologizes afterwards and regrets what he did

i dont know
i dont know
i dont knowwwwww

Sometimes in order to give someone what they need, you need to let them go. It's his life and he needs to live it himself.
The other comment I have for you is about shame. I am going through some tough times with my gf at the moment and we are reading a book (why women talk and men walk) together which is basically saying that marriages die because of a shame-fear relationship. Shame is what the man feels from being unable to give the girl what she needs to feel safe, and fear is what the girls feels as a result of not having the man close enough to her to protect her. Anger asserts the guy's ability to ward off predators, but too much is not a good thing. What I noticed in your post was that perhaps it's shame that is triggering his anger? When he feels vulnerable, instead of perhaps asking for help he puts up a hard front and beats it out of people verbally to feel back in control? I'm not sure I just wanted to share this.
Either way, if you leave him, he will eventually need to work out that that sort of behaviour is getting him nowhere. If you stay with him and help him perpetuate it, then that is what might happen.
Good luck with it!

Oftentimes we don't act happy in a situation because we don't like the situation - not realizing that that behavior isn't going to change the situation. After 5 years of school, I'm sure he's not happy with his lack of accomplishment, but it's the situation he's mad at and not you personally.

Imagine being so strong that you could smile and love him unconditionally inspite of whatever upset he's having. At first he would wonder why are you smiling, “this isn't funny,” he would say. But over time, his behavior would probably change as he witnessed (thru you) what it looks like when someone takes responsibility for his or her own happiness.

You see you're not responsible for him. You're not responsible for his happiness. Your only responsibility is your own happiness. Your happiness is a choice. Make the choice and it's yours. It has nothing to do with him. Choose it powerfully enough and it will make a difference with him because eventually he will see what it looks like and follow your lead.

My fiancée used to have severe bouts of depression, but I didn't follow her lead. I continued with my own happiness determined to have a wonderful life – whether she did or not. At times I left her behind. I didn’t let it drag me down, because I didn’t take it personally – it wasn’t about me.

Over time, she began to follow my lead. Now when she's upset about something she yells at me and I yell back and often we both end up laughing - having fun with making fun of each other. We’re going on our sixth year. And now, whenever she does get depressed, it’s only for a few hours and not three straight days like it was in the beginning.

Be strong and confident in your own happiness and chances are it will disarm him. But when you become unhappy with him – it only empowers his ego and justifies the discomfort he is finding in his life’s situation.