Addict keeping Alcoholic sober/away from pills, etc.

A good friend and her husband recently gained custody of her stepson, because the boy's mother:
1) was drinking excessively and using valium, xanax and clonopin (sp?)
2) was being abusive and neglecting
3) had been in detox 3 times in one year, arrested for public drunkenness and DUI
4)began living with a man (whom she met on-line) who had the same destrucitve habits and supplied the drugs
5) abandoned the boy and moved to another town with this man.

We are all hoping that since both of these people have - as of Dec. 3rd - voluntarily detoxed and started an IOP and 12 Step AA/NA programs things will improve although the boy, age 13, (a close friend to my son) is not allowed to be around this man (due to custodial court order). This man has had a very bad relationship with the boy and was very abusive toward the poor kid's grandmother, mother and her family. His mother believes that staying with this man will keep her sober since he is in recovery as well. In essence she is once again "abandoning" her son for the man which is understandable in the addiction process.

Last month the boy's mother contacted me (drunk) complaining that this man was controlling, mooching off her finances and trying to use her sister's prescription to get painkillers. She begged me to change the locks in the apt. she leased to get away from him. I did not since she was drunk and he had a criminal record.
This month she has chosen to allow him to remain with her (again). This has been going on back & forth since summer of 2004.

I have helped take care of this boy over the past 4 years - at times when she was too drunk to get him from school, guitar lessons, etc. He considers my son and me as family. Since her last arrest (before Thanksgiving) I have cut off all contact with his mother and deal only with his father/stepmother. This constant turmoil & confusion is making the boy very angry. I sense it. That is why my son and I see him once or twice a month (movies, dinner, etc.).

Can one addict keep an alcoholic sober? Isn't a sponsor supposed to do that? For the boy's sake, what are the chances of his mother remaining sober - a condition of visitation - if she is choosing to remain with a man who her son will not accept?

I apologize for this lengthy post.
Thanks for your patience and excuse my ignorance in these matters because I am probably asking some silly questions.
HAPPY HEALTHY 2006!

Two questions…
First, can one addict keep an alcoholic sober.

No!

The long and short of it is no one can keep another sober. That kind of power just isn’t in us. We aren’t God. A sponsor can’t keep a drunk from picking up that next drink. Short of incarceration, no human power can do that.

Second question, what are her chances.

Slim to none. Maybe one drunk in ten gets it.

Most alcoholics never find real, long term sobriety. For a variety of reasons, some seemingly good, some pitifully trivial, we decide to pick up that first drink, and then all bets are off.

I am sorry for the boy. In my opinion, kids are better off almost anywhere than they are with an active and abusive alcoholic. Look out for him as best you can.

Richard

Thanks shadowwalker! Love the name! Its a pity to see that she lost her home, several jobs and her son since she met this guy in Spring of '04. He cannot have much of an influence over her even though he used to pour out the booze when catching her drinking in the past. Last year when she got involved with him, I used to ask her why he was so concerned about her drinking when he was using oxycontin, xanax and other drugs (but not drinking). I suppose it is all about control.

Her son is in a secure home with his dad and stepmom and is presently spending time with his mother's family in the mtn.s He is also going through the rebillous, hormone-fueled stages of "teenhood".

I have decided that his mother must take care of herself and my son and I will spend some time with him next week.

Thanks again.
REM

Anonymous wrote:Thanks shadowwalker! Love the name! Its a pity to see that she lost her home, several jobs and her son since she met this guy in Spring of '04. He cannot have much of an influence over her even though he used to pour out the booze when catching her drinking in the past. Last year when she got involved with him, I used to ask her why he was so concerned about her drinking when he was using oxycontin, xanax and other drugs (but not drinking). I suppose it is all about control.

Her son is in a secure home with his dad and stepmom and is presently spending time with his mother's family in the mtn.s He is also going through the rebellious, hormone-fueled stages of "teenhood".

I have decided that his mother must take care of herself and my son and I will spend some time with him next week.

Thanks again.
REM

The ex relapsed; has again moved 125 miles away (from her son too!) and is living with the man she was trying to "escape" from a month ago. They moved away in Feb. 05 and she left him, so its the same pattern. Geographical change does not mean instant sobriety. The problem moves with the person. Not my problem!

She was doing so well in Dec. - Feb. and then she just quit meetings, helping others in her recovery group, spent less time with her son and so it went...

I am glad she is farther away and is planning to marry this guy (her 4th marriage and 3rd in 6 years) in Sept.

You were right.
Thanks again for helping keep me from getting sucked back into a cycle of co-dependence by bailing her out financially and/or emotionally.

Happy Spring!
REM

I agree completely with Richard--I guess I always do.

It is strange that we in AA can often help complete strangers, but we can't help family members. But like Richard says we can't make anyone stay sober. There has to be some sort of desire that comes from within the person.
Jim S

"If that desire does not come from within, one goes on without."