Need help confronting my husband

Lilac, In all probability, you aren’t going to buy what I’m going to say. And there is even less of a chance that your old man will, but here goes.

A power greater than myself set me free... free of alcohol to be sure, but more importantly, free of being prey to my fears. And if I am OK with the way I feel right now, I am much less inclined to want to change the way I feel with a drink or a drug.

"You may be suffering from a disease that only a spiritual experience will conquer." That is what a friend told me the week I quit drinking, and that was a little over seven years ago.

I didn't want to submit to a crutch, some soft headed phyo-babble about a power greater than myself. God if you will.

It is my life, nobody was going to tell me how to live it. I can remember sitting in my living room drunk as a skunk, waving wildly at the front door and slurring the words "This is my house, this is my bottle and it's gonna be my way, if you don't like any one of them, don't let the door hit you in the a** on the way out".

But as it turns out, I was blessed, I didn’t see it that way at the time, but it’s true. Towards the end of my drinking career I was blessed with no more good ideas. Every one of my "good ideas" had blown up in my face. I was out of gas. At that point, I was beaten into a position of reasonableness and open mindedness.

With the help of men wiser than myself, I discovered I am surrounded by powers greater than myself all the time. Every time I looked in my rear view mirror, and saw those blue lights flashing, I knew that a power greater than myself was going to be tapping on my driver's side window soon enough.

The bottle was a power greater than myself, If I could quit on my own Lilac, I would have done so, and there would be no need to make my first meeting. Up until the end, I thought I could do just that, quit drinking, I just didn’t want to. I thought that better than quitting (we never want to do that) I could have a few, and let it go at that. I really thought that was true. I didn’t know it, but I was staring a power greater than myself right in the face.

I accepted the fact that there are powers greater than myself out there. The question that faced me is can I find one that can relieve me of the obsession to drink?

That same good friend also said to me. "If the word God runs you off, I ain't worried, liquor will run you back".

Then he said, "If you think you can beat this game on your own, without a power greater than yourself, I wish you luck. But if you find that that just ain't happening, may I offer you a quote I'm rather fond of...

There is a principle which is a bar against all information,
which is proof against all arguments
and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-
that principle is contempt prior to investigation."

One more thought on this question.

It's not just the idea that there are powers greater than myself all around, all the time that stumped me when I first showed up as a wet drunk, it was the idea that reliance was based on some kind of blind faith. I came in as an agnostic. How can I possibly know if there is really anything out there? How can anyone? Those guys that believe in this higher power thing either learned it as a kid in Sunday school, or they are just afraid of dying. And if they just believe real hard (whistle past the graveyard) they won't be so afraid. None of that was me.

I have always been a big fan of the scientific method. Don't give me a bunch of mumbo-jumbo and except me to buy it. I want proof. Scientific proof. One scientist will concoct a formula, mix a given amount of substance "A" with a given amount of substance "B" and he always gets compound "C". Take that same experiment anywhere in the world, follow the mixing instructions exactly and you'll always get the same result, "C". That's the kind of proof I like.

The proposition that was put forward to me by the men in the rooms when I first showed up was the same. They told me that I couldn't say that a simple set of spiritual principles as outlined in the program and steps of Alcoholics Anonymous would not work on my problems if I didn't conduct the experiment. It was suggested that I follow the mixing instructions exactly, and if I didn't like the result at the end of the process, I could have my old stuff back, no questions asked. They used my own words to box me in.

What did I have to lose? Again, I was blessed with a lack of good alternative ideas. Falteringly, fearfully, apprehensively I began to mix "A" & "B".
This program (AA) does not work for a lot of people, sadly every other program I know anything about doesn't work for a bunch of folks. But I tell you this, what really didn't work worth a s*** was trying to fix me all by my self in secret. That Lilac was a fools errand.

I made a very hard going of life near the end of my personal goat path. The old relationships with my favorite substances were to be no more. Those old happy days were over. You need to know this is true, over any measurable length of time this stuff only gets worse, it never gets better, never. That bitter news sounded like a death sentence to me. But I was wrong. It was the truth, and the truth will set me free. Knowing the truth about myself is a very powerful medicine. It is the beginning of all progress.

If the idea of wearing this world, warts and all, as a loose fitting garment is at all appealing to you or your husband, try what I tried, You really have very little to lose. Maybe a few hours spent with people who laugh and have that old sparkle in their eyes. But compared to the hours that I squandered in self induced anger, resentment and eventually oblivion, there really is no comparison.

As always, a man will decide for himself what he will and what he will not do. No one can make that decision for him. But don't let false pride, fear or contempt prior to investigation keep you from looking at this for what it is. This power greater than ourselves wants you and your husband to be happy and free, but this power isn't a labor saving device, action is required.

Nobody can get anyone sober, not a sponsor, not a meeting, NOT A PILL, and not just saying no. Without the needed power, nothing changes. And working the steps is how I found it,

There is an old Chinese proverb that goes something like this,
"Trust in God, but row away from the rocks."

My wife tells me that is a very Protestant attitude. I don’t know, but I do believe THAT spiritual action is the key.

Lilac, most of my diatribe relates to someone who has lost the choice over when and how much he drinks, It may or may not apply to your old man.

The test that was suggested to me was to buy a big bottle of my favorite stuff, and a small shot glass. Each day I was to have two shots off my bottle of Black Jack, and just stop. Don’t touch another drop of liquor for the rest of the day.

Do that experiment again tomorrow, and the next day. Do it every day until the bottle was empty. Was it any fun? Was it a major pain in the ass? Could I even do it?

It seems that when I was controlling it, it wasn’t any fun. And when it was fun, I wasn’t controlling it at all. But then again, that’s just me.

Again, I would be happy to shoot the s#$% with your husband. I am no firebrand, no evangelist, I got no magic wand to wave, and I got no dog in your hunt. But I did get up this morning, and didn’t think about drinking once. And that is a miracle.

Your friend on the road to the good stuff,
Richard S.

Thank you for your honesty and that very long thoughtful post, Richard. I do appreciate it. You've given me a lot to think about.

Everyone in this world has got to find their own path, and what works for one person won't work for everybody. There's no telling what will or won't work for each individual - they've all got to find out by trial and error.

I would never denigrate what works for you. I'm very happy that you did find your path, and thank you for your good wishes as we each search for ours.