How Alcoholism Destroyed My Ex Husband's Life

My ex husband is currently 25 years old, turning 26 in October.
He is also currently homeless. His own mother has a restraining order against him, I have filed for divorce, and asked for full custity of our 19 month old daughter. Not onloy that, but he has crippled his right hand for life.
All of this did not happen over night.
January 27, 2010 was the day he crippled his hand, and the day I realized he has a serious drinking problem. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant.
He was drunk and grabbed a knife with the blade cutting into all of his fingers accept the thum.
He was rushed to the hospital where he had 10 hours surgery to reattach the tip of his pinky finger and repare the tendands in the other three fingers.
He then had three months of physical therapy, and his hand will never be the same.. but did that make him stop drinking? no. Just like me throwing him out and him getting arrested for drunken shop lifting didn't. Just like his threatening to kill his mother while drunk and the restraining order that followed didn't.
My family and I took him into our home and gave him two years to get sober and a job. but he just couldnn't do it. and he is extremely psychologically abusive to boot.
I have given up on the hope that he will ever change. I know he loves me and our daughter, but sadly that is not good enough.
So if you're out there thinking you're alone, you're not. If you think you can fix him/her, you can't. I made all the calls and set up all the apts for my ex to get mental help and addiction help. In the end he didn't want it bad enough to really stick with it or the medication he was given.
Do I wonder if he's ok when it's cold outside? Sure. Do I still love him? Yes. He is the father of my daughter and I didn't get maried to him for the ###$ of it. I really believed we could be a family if he could just get the help and change. but now I realize it's never gonna happen until he's truly ready forit too. and that he is damaging to my own recovery.

So if you're out there thinking you're alone, you're not. If you think you can fix him/her, you can't. I made all the calls and set up all the apts for my ex to get mental help and addiction help. In the end he didn't want it bad enough to really stick with it or the medication he was given.

I have a close relative I love who is addicted. I eventually got them to go to AA but they stopped. Saying "I am not like them they are not my type of people"
But very sadly he is like them, he will not admit it though.
What can I do?

Sadly, my ex is the same way. He said the people at AA depressed him and made him wanna drink more.
He just couldn't see how alcohol was destroying everything. and He still can't.

MartianRobotGirl wrote:I really believed we could be a family if he could just get the help and change. but now I realize it's never gonna happen until he's truly ready forit too. and that he is damaging to my own recovery.

Your ex-husband sounds very identical to mine. You and I are going through a similar situation, MRG. I used to think that if he was given all the right opportunities and people showed how much they cared that he would find motivation to stay sober. In other words - I could fix him if I tried hard enough. Eventually that proved to be totally false and I kicked him out, like you also did. He's now in jail looking at a long stretch because of something he did while black-out drunk.

The sickening part: he still thinks that if he sobers up now and does 12-step work that I'll welcome him back into our lives. Allowing that to happen will do nothing but cause more pain.

Did he promise he'd stop drinking when you hadyour baby?
cus mine swore up and down he would be sober.
Yet the day I was to be induced (end up being a c-section) he was drunk. My family and friends noticed right off and I was afraid the nurses would smell it and make him leave.
Needless to say the birth of our daughter didn't change things one bit. In fact he drank more.
He is homeless but stops by once weekly sober so I allow visits for now.
I sure hope he gets it together before she's old enough to ask questions. but I highly doubt it because he's been given every oppertunity.

No, he didn't make that promise but he did get sober for about 9 months. In the grand scheme of thing 9 months isn't a very long time but it was long enough to make me forget just how bad he could be. The relapse was so fast & hard that it seemed to defy logic.

Tonight I told him that I would no longer be in contact with him, that he had no place in our lives. Maybe at some point in the future if (a big if - I doubt he'll ever change) he ever gets stable he could have supervised visits. For now it's best to pretend he's dead. At least this happened before my daughter forms concrete memories.

Wow. Mine couldn't even be sober for 9 weeks much less months.
and man do i feel ya when it comes to hoping he wil change but knwoing in your heart he's probably not gonna.
Really sucks for our girls. Girls need their daddy. but not a daddy like them.
I hope he figures it out soon because I'll do the same as you and cut off the visits. I won't let him psychologically scar my baby if I can help it.

MartianRobotGirl wrote:I won't let him psychologically scar my baby if I can help it.

^^^Damn that 'Ma instinct' Kids love us > > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTnByLN85Qo (<disclaimer: just makin a joke )

Update regarding my ex-husband:

He is now 27 years old, and his situation has not improved. He is homeless living in a park. He has graduated to drinking hard liquor every day, starting early in the morning. He has been in county jail since September, and will be back on the streets when he is released. His mom moved and didn't give him her forwarding address because she grew tired of the chaos he posed in her life. This means he no longer has visitation with our daughter, because the conditions of the visitation state that his mother will supervise any visits, and that he will be sober 24 hours before the visit takes place.
Our divorce finally became final in September of 2013. Although I don't hate him or anything, I have as little contact with him as possible. He'll be lucky to see his 30th birthday at this rate.

What a very sad situation. At 12 steps programs we understand that the addict/alcoholic has to hit the rock bottom to seek help. Problem is, for some that rock bottom lies extremely deep. I consider myself very lucky that mine didn't. Your ex-husband is very unlucky. But his situation is one of his choosing.

Big hug to you and I am sorry this has happened to you and your family.