Jekyll/Hyde, who am I? dilemma...

I am 24 and have been an alcoholic for 5 or 6 maybe? years. I have really cut down in the past 1 or 2 years and now have some semblance of a human being again...I'm starting to have those feelings of not knowing who I really am again. Am I myself when I am drunk, sober, either, neither? Like different aspects of my personality? My ex would really resent me the next day if I got drunk and said something mean or argumentative the night before. He would say that when you're drunk, the truth comes out. He said I was just saying what I really felt deep down. Idk if that's really true, though. I think it is to an extent...but I say things when I'm drunk and I don't think that's who I really am. He didn't understand when I told him I didn't mean it, it was the alcohol. I've had A LOT of people tell me I become a totally different person when I drink. I feel weird about that...which one is really me? Is the alcohol poisoning my brain so much I can't see what it's really doing to me? Is it changing my personality? I feel crazy...like I am two people. A lot of my friends prefer my drunk personality, so I am reluctant to let it go. What is wrong with me??

patient_zer0 wrote:I am 24 and have been an alcoholic for 5 or 6 maybe? years. I have really cut down in the past 1 or 2 years and now have some semblance of a human being again...I'm starting to have those feelings of not knowing who I really am again. Am I myself when I am drunk, sober, either, neither? Like different aspects of my personality? My ex would really resent me the next day if I got drunk and said something mean or argumentative the night before. He would say that when you're drunk, the truth comes out. He said I was just saying what I really felt deep down. Idk if that's really true, though. I think it is to an extent...but I say things when I'm drunk and I don't think that's who I really am. He didn't understand when I told him I didn't mean it, it was the alcohol. I've had A LOT of people tell me I become a totally different person when I drink. I feel weird about that...which one is really me? Is the alcohol poisoning my brain so much I can't see what it's really doing to me? Is it changing my personality? I feel crazy...like I am two people. A lot of my friends prefer my drunk personality, so I am reluctant to let it go. What is wrong with me??

What I have always said is that since alcohol lowers inhibitions, you act like you really wish you could act, if you didn't have the anxiety, fear, social standards/regulations etc. But this is only when you first start. Since this is the addiction board, once your addicted you are no longer yourself.

but the thing is, eventually you won't become yourself anymore. The more you progress with addiction the more you lose yourself. At first it's fun and games, then you slowly start to slip into darkness, and it'll take quite a few cave explorations to find yourself again.

Sound advice. Addiction can be so confusing...I'm going to look around the board and hopefully draw some strength and wisdom from others who are going through the same thing.

I thought I preferred my drunk self too, until it came to my attention that my "drunk persona" was destroying my life and making me lose control of myself. I did like that it temporarily lifted my depression because sober I'm more controlled but still have mood problems. It is sort of confusing to think that each side has benefits but also has downsides. I still think about going back to my drunk self but I'm on medication and alcohol makes my meds ineffective, which only increases my depression so I guess I'm stuck just being sober.