BF drinking again, what can I do to help

My boyfriend is suffering from depression. He is also drinking a lot - vodka and beer, sometimes from early morning til late at night, sometimes in secret (I an finding empty containers all over the house!)

The doctor won't give him anti depressants until he stops drinking, but he can't stop drinking.... and is getting more and more depressed. Now he is taking it out on me, blaming me (and blaming the doctor for ignoring him) and I am finding it increasingly hard to cope.

There seems to be huge waiting lists for the NHS run places, and we can't afford private care (we are in the UK)

Please do you have any suggestions?

Thanks

The doctor won't prescribe them because anti-depressants wreak havoc in conjunction with alcohol. There are a few things to try here, but first perhaps understanding why your partner has 'turned' to alcohol would help. Is he unemployed, for example, or was there a recent event that could have made him angry or depressed? There's definately a reason why he feels the need to be drunk more often than sober, and it's advisable to figure out what it is. People simply telling him to 'stop' will not make him stop... Could you both try to sit down to discuss what's going on 'behind the scenes' in his mind? Is he ever receptive to talking?

Kevin

He says he is drinking to combat his depression, and he is depressed because there are lots of changes at his work at the moment and he finds it hard to cope with the work load. He is the sort of man to bottle (excuse the pun!) things up inside and cope in his own way. He will rarely ask for help - he says it's like admitting failure.

He is now having acupuncture at an addictions clinic (charity run) and has counselling scheduled to start in a couple of weeks. But he still drinks more than he should, and denies it.

I find his lies very very hard. He says he hasn't been drinking when it is so obvious that he has.
Also - most importantly at the moment - should I buy his alcohol when he 'needs' it? It is totally against my principles as it feels like I am supporting his alcohol abuse.

Thanks x

Hi,

I think that anyone would tell you that you shouldn't be buying alcohol for him as - yes - it's contributing to the ease at which his problem can progress. it sounds like he has some strange views about things and needs to learn a bit. For example, alcohol makes depression worse and it's actually brave to admit that you have a problem. He needs to drop the 'macho' persona and admit that he's human. Unfortunately, many men would rather ruin their lives than admit a fault, but that's the way it is. The counselling should pick-up on this too and would then offer advice ... he really needs to go into those sessions with an open mind though. Many go 'closed' and never get anything from them.

Would he ever go to Alcoholics Anonymous?

Kevin

Thanks, that gives me a huge reassurance - that I'm not being mean by not buying him drink!

I am sure once the counselling starts he will open up a bit. I understand that I am probably the last person he would admit things to.

Re Alcoholics Anonymous - I'm not sure if he would go. It has been mentioned but he says he wouldn't want to meet up with a group of people. However he does chat with his acupuncture group after their sessions so he has identified with a few of them. I daren't give him too much 'advice' because he says I am bullying or interfering!
It is very hard for me to watch him behaving the way he does.

That's right ... receiving advice from a loved one can be so difficult. In cases, it can just be impossible to listen to what they are saying. Each time that you try to directly help him with words, I imagine that he puts up a mental block and becomes quite defensive. His body probably tenses-up.

Could you perhaps ask him to set time aside each week to talk to you about what's going on exactly (re: his problem)? Let him know that you'd appreciate it a lot, and that it only has to be even 20 minutes.

Kevin

Yes, he gets very defensive!

I think I will try and take a step back and let him start the counselling on Thursday. I will tell him I would like him to be open with me about his progress, and hope that he is.
I have moved out for a while. Miss him like mad but couldn't bear the lies and mental abuse any more.

Alcohol in large quantities, whether taken to treat a depression or not, produces a depressant effect on people's mood. Stressful life events can precipitate both alcohol problems and depression. One way in order to help your bf is to speak with him. Ask him about his concerns and how you can help him in his current situation.

Being a recovered alcoholic with 10 years sober I enjoy telling others what worked for me. My family and loved ones realized they couldn't change me. I had to make the choice. They showed "tough love" and I suffered the consequences...which caused a lot of pain...but pain is a motivator to change. Today, I'm grateful for what my family did.

My suggestion to you is first realize you can't change him. Focus on yourself and don't enable his drinking. Be there for support, but it's not helping him if you enable. Here's a link to an article from freemyaddict.com which may help you get started with dealing with an alcoholic and addict.

Good Luck to You!!!

recoveredandfun wrote:Being a recovered alcoholic with 10 years sober I enjoy telling others what worked for me. My family and loved ones realized they couldn't change me. I had to make the choice. They showed "tough love" and I suffered the consequences...which caused a lot of pain...but pain is a motivator to change. Today, I'm grateful for what my family did.

My suggestion to you is first realize you can't change him. Focus on yourself and don't enable his drinking. Be there for support, but it's not helping him if you enable. Here's a link to an article from freemyaddict.com which may help you get started with dealing with an alcoholic and addict.

Good Luck to You!!!

Thank you so much recoveredandfun.
I have heard what you suggested many times before and have tried to detach and walk away etc, but it's hard.
But - I know I have to try harder! for my bf's sake and for any hope for the future.
The link you sent is fantastic. I have already subscribed to more updates!

Please can I just ask you a question if you don't mind? When you were drinking and causing your family pain, did you realise? or were you oblivious to their feelings?

Thanks,
Julie