Seeing the signs

Hi Im new here and I wonder if i can get some advice.
My b/f of 18 months is an alcoholic. When we met, i was aware that he had had a drink problem 18 years prior, but had conquered his alcoholism. It took him several months to tell me that he had once been an alcoholic. He is very ashamed. When we met up we were both going through a very tough time, our previous marriages had ended badly, and he had many other problems in his life. I guess this is what detracted me from spotting the drinking. We have had horrific problems over the last 18months, and have split several times due to other problems he caused in our relationship. It has only just become apparant, that all of these problems and deceptions were caused or linked by the fact that he was secretly drinking again.
I lived with this man for 8 months - and not once did i realise he was drinking - I feel so stupid, how is this possible? He has now told me that he had bottles hidden all over the house, and although his behaviour was always suspicious, which, at the time, due to other problems, i thought he was being secretive for a different reason.
I always thought i was a reasonably intelligent person, so how did i miss this? The reason i need advice, is that he is now in therapy for Mental Health issues and the way he has screwed up his life. We no longer live together. How will i know if he is secretly drinking again? i have witnessed alcoholics before, but he never appears drunk, slurred or any of the usual signs that would make you think a person is drunk. He was volatile and had mood swings, but i would never had associated it with alcohol. He must have been incredibly clever to have hidden this from me and i realise that when you can see the problem, you can try to tackle it. Has anyone else experienced anything like this - what symptoms can i look out for. He assures me he has been clean for nearly 8 weeks, and his moods and perspective on life does seem to be different, but how will i know? I have been through so much with this man that we had to split recently as my own sanity was at stake - and although i feel much stronger, i am very scared to go back when i am not sure what im trying to deal with.
Any advice appreciated.

Us alcoholics can be very clever at times. But, usually we screw up big time then the whole world crashes down on us. Hiding our bottles and our drinking are things we can be good at. In other words, you are not the only one who has been fooled.

The good news is that there is a place to go for great advice and support. The cost is almost nothing. The place is Al-Anon--it's for friends and relatives of alcoholics/addicts. I've been a member for years, as well as a member of AA. I have not picked up a drink since I first contacted AA. AA did take care of my mental health issues as well.
Good Luck,
Jim S

Guest…

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. We will never become non-alcoholics again.
It is indeed good that he hasn’t had a drink in eight weeks, I hope that he is serious about his sobriety.

The kindest thing you could do for him if he starts drinking again is refuse to have anything to do with him. You may be helping him out of love. Covering for him and keeping the consequences of his behavior at bay. That’s a mistake. Let him fall, and let him fall hard. It sounds cruel, but this disease is a powerful thing. It will not let go of him and he will not let go of it easily, we needs to be beaten badly before we will even consider stopping.

The only thing I have ever found that will cut through the fog and get an alcoholic's attention is pain. Deep, pervasive and unrelenting spiritual pain. If you love this man, and if he starts drinking again, cut them loose like a bad habit. Never deny an alcoholic the opportunity to suffer.

But here comes the sad part. Even if you do take my advice, and even if things do go very badly for him, there is a very good chance that it still won't work. Most alcoholics die wet. All the recovery programs I know anything about put good long-term recovery at less than 50%.
The truth to be known, a lot less than half.

Get ready for some heartache, you have joined the legions of people who have watched loved ones throw their lives down the crapper. Some of them have seen their loved ones pick up their beds and walk again, but most just watch the people they love go to jails, institutions or just die. I hope you find yourself among the former.

Jim is right about Alanon. It is a program and a group of people that understand what you are going through very well. They like you have a loved one who is on, or has been on a self destruct course like him. Take advantage of what they have to offer.

It's like when the airline stewardess tells you to put on your oxygen mask first, then put one on your child. If you aren't OK, you can't help anyone else. Take care of yourself first, take care of your family first. Alcohol has put him through a meat grinder, and will continue to do so, and there is precious little you or anybody else can do about it until he in his heart of hearts wants to quit. Then and only then will things change.

Richard S.

p.s.
We hide our bottles in the toilette tank, in the garage behind the motor oil, on the top shelf of the closet way in the back, and in a mouthwash or any other big medicine bottle in the bathroom. I even knew a guy who kept his vodka in the windshield washer tank of his car. We are very clever at this.
It’s the mood swings that will probably give him away.
Save yourself first, you nor no other power on earth can make him stop or keep him stopped if he doesn’t want to.

Thanks for the advice.
Like you said, pain was exactly the way i got to him, as I cut him loose 2 months ago. He had just (apparently) stopped drinking, as he knew that he would lose me if his behaviour continued. For the last 8 weeks, ive picked up my life and my social life. He has told me that for a long time the bottle was more important than anything or anyone else. We have just got back together after alot of talking and I have told him if he drinks again, we are over for good, forever. He did give up drinking 18 years ago and stayed sober, but once all the awful things started happening to him 2 years ago, he sunk into the bottle again and has been struggling up till now to get out of it. He is a very determined man who knows he will end up dead if it doesnt stop now. I know he loves me very much, but i am frightened, as he is so clever and seems to know exactly what i need to hear, that he could even lighten his moods up whilst carrying on drinking, so that i wouldnt know. I guess time will tell. Meanwhile, i am trying to be realistic but optimistic at the same time, and protecting myself and my family, keeping my friends around me, and maintaining my social life. His behaviour and the things he has done, over the last 18months nearly destroyed my own mental health, but the break seems to have lifted the emotional toll, and i feel like i can cope again, but will not let my life go back downhill. I will contact Al-Anon for support. Lets hope he makes it.
Thanks once again for your help.

Wow, your story sounds very close to my story. I hope his name doesn't start with a G?

Well funnily enough..................