Adult children of alcoholics

How many of you wish you had been adopted when you were young into a normal family without addiction problems?
Did you feel loved, even though your parents were struggling?

There are books about ACoA, there are 13 Characteristics, there is The Laundry List – 14 Traits... and my ACoA father still acts like he has no problem, he cannot admit that his father left some emotional and psychological scars on him, and when I say something about it, he denies cause he has berried these memories. Until I found these four letter - ACoA, I couldn't understand whats wrong in my family, whats wrong with me. Well, I'm sorry but I don't want to stay in blind denial; I would search for help. But he is too proud to seek help, so I'll leave him there.

OK - here they are from http://voices.yahoo.com/adult-children- ... 54488.html

The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics/Addicts

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
The home of an alcoholic or addict is not "normal." Life revolves around the addict and most family members must learn to keep their family going, as they know it. Children of alcoholic or drug-addicted parents do not live the same life as their "normal" peers. Therefore, the child and later the adult must simply do their best at maintaining normalcy, as observed from friends, television, or simply guessing.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
In the home of an addict, daily living is frequently interrupted due to misbehavior or unpredictable actions of the addict. For example, the family may start playing a game, but then dad comes home and everyone must stop playing. Or maybe mom promised to help work on a school project, but then passes out and never follows through. When project completion and follow-through are not consistently modeled, it is a hard skill for the adult child of an alcoholic to learn.

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
As a child of an alcoholic or addict, one must constantly lie and make up excuses for the addicted parent. The child also hears the parent and everyone else in the family lie and make up stories constantly. This behavior is a necessity to keep the addict family intact, and therefore becomes a natural trait. Once the child acquires this behavior, it tends to stay with the adult child.

These lies are not always malicious or harmful. Something as simple as the route the ACOA took home, or what type of fruit they like is fair game for lies. Unless the child or adult receives enough consequences (either internal, like guilt or anxiety; or external, like getting in trouble with someone), the ACOA may begin to practice the art of telling the truth more.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

No matter what the child of an alcoholic or addict does, they cannot "fix" their parent or their family. They may be able to take care of the addict or other members of the family, but they are unable to fix the root of the problem: the addiction and relating family dysfunction. No matter how well the child does is soccer, how high their school grades, no matter how clean they keep the house, how "good" they are, they still can't fix the addict. Everything they do falls short.

Additionally, the child of an alcoholic or addict may blame him/herself for bad things that happen in the family, and are frequently guilt-ridden for reasons beyond their control. Perfectionism is very common in ACOAs.

5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

Growing up with an addicted parent is not fun. Kids are not allowed to be kids. When the kids are not given this joy, the adult usually does not know how to simply enjoy life. The ACOA is constantly worrying about their addicted parent, or is in trouble for things they should not be responsible for, or compensating in some other way for the addict. The usually carefree, fun time of being a child often does not exist if the parent is an addict.

The addict is the "child" in the relationship. Because of this, the child does not know how to be a child.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

Due to the gravity of their roles in their families growing up, adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously. The weight of the family, and thus the world, is on their shoulders.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

Having never known a "normal" relationship or family roles, the ACOA does not know how to have one. The adult child of an addict does not trust others. The ACOA has learned that people are not trustworthy or reliable, and has had their heart broken from such an early age.

New relationships must be handled with caution, too, because the child of an alcoholic doesn't want others to find out their secret. Adult children of alcoholics have learned to shut themselves off from others to protect their feelings, as well as to protect their family.

8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.

The child of an alcoholic/addict lacks control over their lives much of the time. They cannot control when their parent is drunk, or that the parent is an addict to begin with. S/he cannot always predict what will happen from one day to the next, and this is very anxiety producing. A child needs to feel safe. Because of this lack of control as a child, the adult child of an alcoholic/addict craves control. They need to know what is going to happen, how it is going to happen, and when.

Of course, this control and predictability is not always possible. If plans are changed, or somebody does something that the ACOA doesn't like or feel comfortable with, all the insecurity of their childhood may come back to them, and the adult child may over-react, leaving the other party stunned or confused.

9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

Similar to ACOA characteristic number four, children of alcoholics and addicts are used to continuously seeking approval or praise from their parent or other valued person. They probably did not grow up with a regular and consistent rules and expectations, and could never make their addicted parent happy.

Not knowing what is "normal" or expected, adult children of alcoholics need someone to tell them what they are doing is right. They are often indecisive and unsure of themselves.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.

Another overlap with other characteristics, children of alcoholics sometimes know from an early age that their home is not normal. Children from addicted families may or may not know what is different, and sometimes don't completely "get it" until they visit friend's houses and observe their parents. 'Hey... Janie's mom makes her do her homework until she is finished, and they have dinner at this time, and then they have to go to bed at 9. Every night!" This consistency may be shocking, and either attacks or appalls the child who is not used to such structure.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.

Once the child from an addicted family gets older and forms their own identity, the ACOA may either strictly follow a schedule and wants everything in order, controlled- perfect. These adult children often struggle with anxiety, OCD, perfectionism, and eating disorders.

The opposite result is the ACOA who is a party animal. This adult child may develop an alcohol, drug, or other behavioral addiction. This ACOA may live a life very much like their addicted parent, or they may "shape up" and get their life together, with appropriate support.

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

"Why do you put up with him?" Adult children of alcoholics/addicts are used to dealing with just that- an addict. They are used to either taking care of an addict or seeing others take care of an addict. Drunken fights and broken promises is normal to the ACOA. Growing up, the child of an alcoholic was probably told "it isn't his fault" or "he didn't mean it, he was drunk."

Because of these lowered expectations, an adult child of an alcoholic/addict frequently ends up in a relationship with another addict, abusive partners, or otherwise unhealthy relationships.

13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

The last trait is fairly self descriptive. The ACOA will struggle with falling into unhealthy patterns of behavior, in whatever form it might take.

An adult child of an alcoholic began life in unstable, insecure environment. The ACOA did not get everything they needed from their addicted parent. These 13 ACOA characteristics may seem daunting, but they are simply a profile, description, and explanation of possible existing traits.

These 13 characteristics are not a death sentence or certainty for the ACOA. Once an ACOA recognizes and understands why they are the way they are, and that they are not alone, the adult child of an alcoholic/addict can begin to heal. With the support of a therapist, counselor, support group, and others, the ACOA can live a full, healthy life, and stop the chain of addiction.

There are 12-step meetings for adult children of alcoholics, as well as meetings for codependents and family members of addicts. Your local newspaper will usually list such 12-step meetings.

I have a lot of those. Not # 13 or 9 or 3. But most of the rest.

My mom was a terrible raging drunk. She is still alive....but now she's a prescription pill junkie, which is a lot different. I dislike her immensely. She is the cause of all my sh*t.

The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics/Addicts

Interesting, thanks.

who38
My mom was a terrible raging drunk. She is still alive....but now she's a prescription pill junkie, which is a lot different. I dislike her immensely. She is the cause of all my sh*t

So, if you'd had a choice, to be fostered/adopted into a normal family would you have took it?

I mean, by the age of 7 I wanted to be taken into care/fostered/adopted.

Yorkshirelass wrote:So, if you'd had a choice, to be fostered/adopted into a normal family would you have took it?

I mean, by the age of 7 I wanted to be taken into care/fostered/adopted.

What sense of responsibility you have at that age? Can you really make that decision?

Yorkshirelass wrote:

The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics/Addicts

Interesting, thanks.

who38
My mom was a terrible raging drunk. She is still alive....but now she's a prescription pill junkie, which is a lot different. I dislike her immensely. She is the cause of all my sh*t

So, if you'd had a choice, to be fostered/adopted into a normal family would you have took it?

I mean, by the age of 7 I wanted to be taken into care/fostered/adopted.

I don't remember feeling like that. I'm not sure why. Maybe the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. I figured that all families were like that. I just thought it was normal for people to get blind stinking drunk every night. It took me a long time to realize that other people weren't like that.

cureav wrote:

Yorkshirelass wrote:So, if you'd had a choice, to be fostered/adopted into a normal family would you have took it?

I mean, by the age of 7 I wanted to be taken into care/fostered/adopted.

What sense of responsibility you have at that age? Can you really make that decision?

At 7 or earlier you know if you are wanted and loved. I was not wanted or loved. Seven, the age of reason.
Mother would say to me on a regular basis "I'm gonna put you in a home" I was terrified, I would cry myself to sleep. Then one day she said that and I went to bed and thought. They don't love me, they don't want me, maybe I would be better off in a home. I reasoned that (I was only seven remember) in a home there would be other children to play with (I was a lonely child mother did not like company I spent the days with a 'mum' who made it clear she couldn't stand me) and the adults there would like children, that's why they had chosen to work with children. Made sense to me.
So, when 'mother' said it again I said "Yes, I want to go into a home when can I go?"
I went to bed and I did not cry, I was to start a new life in a home. For weeks I planned, 'What would I take, what would I put in my little suitcase. My teddy, my best and only friend (apart from the imaginary friend I had) was to come for sure.
I waited and waited, and waited, weeks passed. When was the nice lady going to pick me up?
Eventually I despaired. No one was coming.
I knew by the age of 7, life with my 'parents' was to be miserable and lonely, and it was.
If that nice lady had come I would have gone happily, and would have been relieved never to have seen my birth parents again.

My mother was a ice cold woman, a malignant narc, with a sadistic streak, father also a narc but fragile, dependant.
I still wish I'd be put in a home then fostered/adopted I might have had a good life then.

But you see that's the problem you can't make that decision, you a helpless child at the mercy of the adults around you. Who's going to listen to a 7 year old?

No one.

My friends mother used to beat the crap out of her and her brother from the age of five, they would try and run away.
But who really looked and listened to those two abused little kids, who tried to understand why these two run away.
No one. What did the police do? took them back to 'mother' who, as soon as the door closed behind the police beat the freaking $#%^ out of them for embarrassing her.

But did they get the help they needed. No.

Yorkshirelass wrote:

cureav wrote:

Yorkshirelass wrote:So, if you'd had a choice, to be fostered/adopted into a normal family would you have took it?

I mean, by the age of 7 I wanted to be taken into care/fostered/adopted.

What sense of responsibility you have at that age? Can you really make that decision?

At 7 or earlier you know if you are wanted and loved. I was not wanted or loved. Seven, the age of reason.
Mother would say to me on a regular basis "I'm gonna put you in a home" I was terrified,

I remember my mother saying that too. But my father asured me it wouldn't happen. He was a high functioning alcoholic.

He was a high functioning alcoholic.

Do you believe alcoholism is genetic?