I want to quit, but there are barriers

12 Step is not for me, for various reasons.
SMART sounds good, but if you lack self discipline, how do you get self discipline?

Inpatient would not work for me. I spent six years in prison, and I was bullied all through my childhood by a sibling and at school. I react violently to people trying to control me.

I'm on social security disability, have only Medicaid / Medicare.
I have BPD and clinical depression diagnosed, as well as years of daily heavy drinking.
I'd like to stop, it's killing me, but I need something to replace it, and there's just nothing.
I tried marijuana, but it isn't like when I was a kid in 1977. Now it just makes me feel heavy and drugged, no matter what the THC content.

I have a violent temper, and can't find anywhere that will tolerate or validate my violent feelings and expressions.

I live alone, and am pretty much addicted to the internet, computer games, and pornography.
Those things bring me less and less relief or pleasure as time progresses.

I have only two friends, and those relationships are very strained.
I'm about to be evicted June 9 and have nowhere to go. I know I'll be thrown out of any homeless shelter I go to. People in general tend to hate me. I want someone to finally agree that I should be angry.

I called a referral hotline and the guy referred me to a clinic that has been criminally indicted for making up fake patient records and fraudulently billing the government. That is the level of "help" that's out there. I have only medicaid and medicare, no vehicle, no funds to travel. I'm age 62 and incredibly lonely. Every forum I join inevitably ends up banning me.

Hello, and welcome to PF!

A few thoughts...

bearcat2222 wrote: if you lack self discipline, how do you get self discipline?

Only way I know of to start doing (or stop doing) anything is to just do it. And mess up a bunch. But then, I'm OCD, and OCD is a very stubborn mental illness, and I've found I have to out-stubborn anything that is an issue with me, because of the way I've had to out-stubborn my brain.

I've teetered on the edge of alcohol problems, but not to the point that I wasn't able to pull back. Twice I've found myself overdrinking- the first time, a doctor told me to stop it, and with the help of an SSRI and a sleep aid I was able to deal with my issues without the whiskey. Second time was more recent- I found myself relying too much on alcohol to turn my my brain off at night. Trouble with that, doctor explained to me the first go-around, is while we think of alcohol as a sedative, it's also a stimulant. I guess I was just pouring gas on a fire. Second time, I stopped of my own volition, without having to be scolded into quitting. I still drink, I just drink infrequently, and don't drink with the aim of fixing something by doing so. I just enjoy an adult beverage from time to time. I'm able to do that, but have to keep an eye on myself that I don't find myself stopping at the liquor store for no good reason.

I frequently fail when it comes to changing behaviours in general, but what else is there to do but keep trying.

bearcat2222 wrote:I tried marijuana, but it isn't like when I was a kid in 1977. Now it just makes me feel heavy and drugged, no matter what the THC content.

Hoping that's from a trusted source, or a dispensary. Otherwise, 'heavy and drugged' might be more than the THC. I've had a district attorney tell me straight up that the stuff (I'm about your age) that's on the streets is NOT the pot our generation grew up with. There's a lot- I mean a very, very lot- of stuff that is laced with fentanyl. Fentanyl is just about literally everywhere. So unless you're getting it from a neighbour growing it, or a dispensary, view it with suspicion. Not that you said you were currently using pot, but seriously, if you just got it from 'wherever', then just assume it was laced with a little something extra, and that might explain how it made you feel.

bearcat2222 wrote:Every forum I join inevitably ends up banning me.

Let's try not to let that happen. We like helping people deal with their issues, not banning them. Stay within the forum rules and things should be fine.

bearcat2222 wrote:can't find anywhere that will tolerate or validate my violent feelings and expressions

Well, the forums are for help- if you have violent feelings and expressions, you know those are things to have to be dealt with and we try to help people get on the other side of strong negative emotions.

Having said that- and this is where I am going with this- please do remember that we have two journaling options: Blogs, and Personal Journals. Personally, my recommendation to a lot of people are the blogs, especially if they're going to cover topics that might be problematical in the regular forums. Not that the forum rules don't apply in the Blogs- they do, but there might be a little more wiggle room in the blogs. Either way, those options would be more suited for venting-type posts, which otherwise would be placed in a Venting forum, which is read-only. The forums in general, are for seeking help and asking questions, or offering tips, such as that post in Depression that you made. The Blogs are open to replies, the Personal Journals are either closed, or open- a person chooses when they ask to have a personal journal thread started:
online-journals/

A blog is as easy as clicking on 'My Blog' in the upper right corner, but as a new member, I believe that you aren't as yet able to use that feature, because of anti-spam measures.

9 June is coming soon, I hope you're able to get something arranged soon, for both you and Kitty- yes I saw (approved) your Depression post.