Boyfriend Relapsed... :-(

Hi,

I am an addiction recovery coach. I’m currently not working because I recently relapsed into my old addiction after suffering a serious trauma, and I need some time out to get clean again. Anyway, that’s my profession, and that’s my qualification.

One of my first freelance clients was an alcoholic, and because were new friends anyway, he agreed to be my client in order to give me a testimonial. (He wasn’t going to pay me, and it was a win win for him as I am very good at my job and I then had a 100% positive track record.)

Anyway, he got clean, and although he was having the usual just-gotten-clean struggles, be was doing wonderfully. Flash forward a few months...he’s my boyfriend. It progressed into the deepest, most beautiful, spiritual and quite honestly magical relationships I can imagine. Sadly, we’ve been long distance for a while, but this isn’t going to be for very long now.

Unfortunately, today something pretty awful happened with some friends of his, and he ended up relapsing. He then called me and behaved really arrogantly, angrily and aggressively. He seemed both needy and hostile at tbe same time. But because I have the emotional connection that I do, I got defensive. I wish I hadn’t; that’s not something I would DREAM of doing witha client. EVER. But my bf became distressed and hurt, and I ended up calling his local sheriff’s department to gove him a wellness check. The cops gave him a house call, and yet, hours later, he’s even drunker. I can’t seem to get through to him.

Normally, if this were with a client, I’d let them ride it out, then coach them through the lapse and get them back on track. We all make mistakes. I’ve never drank, but I do have another addiction and I know what it’s like. But this guy is my boyfriend. I’m emotionally involved.

How can I coach him through this? I don’t intend to do anything while he’s still drinking, and he’s absolutely smashed right now, but when he gets sober, I’d like to help him stay on the wagon if possible. Any ideas?

I know that I shouldn’t have gotten involved with a client. But it was mlre complicated than I can explain here, and I’d really appreciate it if we could avoid hate right now.

Thanks in advance guys.

Tl;dr: Boyfriend has had relapse, I’m his recovery coach, ideas to help him back onto the wagon

I have heard of Recovery Coaches; like a therapist, counselor or sponsor. It becomes too easy to fall in love with our saviors or rescuers. At that point, you should probably have handed him off to a male AA sponsor and just been there as his 'back-up' sponsor or spiritual advisor.
Getting emotionally entangled with a client should have been a warning to you of recusing yourself from his direct care and letting his sponsor handle it.
I'm not criticizing you or him as these things happen. A sponsor/sponsee relationship should be learning the steps and sharing sober activities together. AA will suggest that sponsors/sponsees be of the same sex and not girlfriend/boyfriend, especially in early recovery when we are still too often looking for another addiction.
In early recovery, it is too easy for this kind of thing to go wrong. He was long-distance and away from his support network (you). It is important that when one is away from their support group, that one finds sober people to be around and sober activities to join. A homegroup and phone list is important.
When I was out of town, I always carried my One Day at a Time/Just for Today coin in my pocket. If I felt an urge to drink or use, I would squeeze that coin hard until I was able to change my mind. I had too much to live for and didn't want to return to the certain misery and despair that a relapse would surely bring.
My sponsor always warned me to call him before picking up a drink as he said that he could not help me after I picked up a drink. That was sound advice as being around alcohol would have placed him in danger as well.
The way I left my drinking career, my drinking became a medical emergency requiring detox. I am sure that if I were to pick up where I left off, that my drinking would be suicidal. I choose not to drink today.
There are waiting lists to get into detoxes and rehabs. You have jump through hoops and dance with health insurance companies to get approved. There is no promise that I have another recovery left inside me, so I don't play dangerous games. He has to want recovery more than anything else.
Best of luck to both of you.

I'm sorry you're going through this , Catsme . Long distance relationships are hard enough without addictions being involved .

I think you have no choice but to wait until he contacts you sober . If you can find resources for him in his area , giving him phone numbers and AA locations would be a good start . Wally makes a good point - you're too close to him to be his coach . Once the distance thing is resolved , I believe it would be best for you both to find outside sources to help you through your respective issues .

I wish you well .